I went to the hospital yesterday to do a gym session with my physio. I also went last week and managed to get to a fast paced walk for 20mins. And i was still able to breathe okay and hold a conversation with the physio. I went yesterday and was knackered and breathless before id barely started! I struggled to make it for 20mins but was adament i would and really pushed myself to make it that long. This time it was just a regular walking pace and i was really breathless and couldnt really hold a conversation with the physio. This sent her into a bit of a worry mode as never seen me like this before i dont think...
I was then asked if i wanted to do a lung function test. I said yes to this and was happy to do one as i was being nieve and telling myself im sure its all in my head, it wont come back as bad as im feeling. Im just tired is all. (Considering id spent the weekend at my mums and rested plenty!) So i did the lung function test and could barely do a long breath out without it sending me into a state of manic coughing (all the while aware i was going red in the face lol) my "calm down" time was a lot longer than should be. Physio went to get the doctor who basically told me in no uncertain terms i need IVs. I had already figured this one out for myself.
She sent me off for a chest xray - which i was annoyed i couldnt see as the system was down bah! - and it made it slightly better that the radiographer was very yummy :p
Then we had a chat and we talked about my results of lung function. I was 66% and ive been feeling rubbish for a while now which is why i had bought my previous appointment forward as i have exams happening atm, and this is what i wanted to avoid entirely. I was put on a colomycin neb, cipro and a salbutamol neb as id never done that before (how much does it make everyone else shake?!) all of which seem to have not done anything at all. I told the dr the cipro wouldnt do anything as it never does. I always drop after being on that! But never listens to me.
My lung function has dropped from that 66% to 48% in about a week as thats how long ive been feeling like this. That clearly is not good at all, hence the battle comencing about IV treatment. I was told that ive lost 1/5th of my lung and dropped about 18/20%. I was also told im pretty much operating as if i only have one lung. This proper freaked me out and i cant stop thinking about that.
My decision is a very tough one for me, maybe a simple one for others reading this i dont know. But ive got to make the decision to do IVs or not by tomorrow. Im reluctant to do them because of my exams happening atm. I dont want to resit them in the summer time, and with the Unis regulations (which are pathetic and dont help the student one fucking bit!) it will be a long time before i know if i can resit them, as if i dont turn up then im not entitled to a resit. How can i turn up if im in hospital!? These facts do not compute for them people!
I know i need to put my health first and i would go on IVs if not for my exams. Ive worked far far too hard - literally blood, sweat, and a lot of tears have gone into getting myself this far - and despite the amount of interuptions ive had from this stupid disease this academic year, im extremely reluctant to let it take away my POSSIBLE passing of exams!
Im missing out on a placement because i know i wont be able to handle the amount of work for it because of everything to do with health. I feel like im daily putting my life on hold for this pathetic disease and i cant control it right now. I want so madly to finish this degree so i can prove to myself and others who have constantly told me i cant do anything that i CAN do something and will make something of my life
But yet i cant make a decision to put my health first. I know i need to and i know that this should be such an easy and quick decision. If i didnt have exams or even didnt have Uni to tend with i would be currently in a hospital bed receiving my IVs... But thats not the case here and this is so hard for me to decide.
I was trying to find my program leader today but hes like trying to find a needle in a haystack really. I also tried to book an appointment to see student advisors about this and some other things and they said to come back tomorrow as they are fully booked until next week. How, if i cant see the people i need to see to help me make a decision am i meant to decide by tomorrow?!?!
I really feel like just giving up right now as whenever i try to do something, CF stands up and says "i cant let you do that, god forbid your happy and healthy!" :'(
Wednesday 19 May 2010
Friday 14 May 2010
A little unsure...
So ive started talking to this new guy. I like him so far, i think he likes me but a little hard to tell really. Anyway i told him the other week about my CF as it came up in convo about my recent tatt. (Ill add a pic on the end) and so he knows about the whole hard to gain weight part of it. Well we were talking tonight and he said in convo that i do look too skinny in my MSN pic.... oh. i just tried to brush it off with a well its hard to find the balance crap. But he didnt really say much. I dont know what his understanding is of CF and i dont really want to sit there and question him on what he knows as if he doesnt want to know then im not going to force him.
But just that what he said "well you do look too skinny in your pic" has stuck with me now and i hate it. When i was younger i hated my skinnyness, and in seniors i was called anorexic (amoungst other bullying things) a few times, even tho it was by people who barely or didnt know me, it still hurt a lot... It took me ages to feel comfy wearing a vest top outside as my collor bones stick out and my shoulders as well look really boney. My arms in general arent exactly Arnold Schwarzenegger size really. I used to wear baggy clothing as much as possible so it wouldnt show off my stick-like-ness.
Im just really quite disappointed he said that, and it feels like he said it so bluntly as well. Forgive me if i seem like im blowing steam for nothing but him saying that, brought back years of buried pain about my looks and skinnyness (as vein as that sounds, its not meant like that). Considering the amount ive been eating lately ive put some weight on (i hope), but it usually just goes straight to my stomach, and feels like all that weight has disappeared by the morning!
I said to myself when i was nearing end of seniors that if someone cant accept me for who i am, then they can just keep walking on past me and my life. But at the same time i dont want this guy to do that... i want to help him understand if he wants to and explain its pretty normal for me and im never going to be muscly. not even a little bit. but then on the other hand i keep thinking about that saying i told myself years ago...
Its stupid. I hate when people i like in that way says things about my weight or something as its the thing im the most self-conscience about. Ive just learnt to hide it better over the years. But still him saying that made me feel so small, weak and self-conscience all over again. and im pretty angry and upset that he made me feel like that!
Heres the pic of my latest tatt. The words "hope" and "breathe" are written on the tails for myself.
But just that what he said "well you do look too skinny in your pic" has stuck with me now and i hate it. When i was younger i hated my skinnyness, and in seniors i was called anorexic (amoungst other bullying things) a few times, even tho it was by people who barely or didnt know me, it still hurt a lot... It took me ages to feel comfy wearing a vest top outside as my collor bones stick out and my shoulders as well look really boney. My arms in general arent exactly Arnold Schwarzenegger size really. I used to wear baggy clothing as much as possible so it wouldnt show off my stick-like-ness.
Im just really quite disappointed he said that, and it feels like he said it so bluntly as well. Forgive me if i seem like im blowing steam for nothing but him saying that, brought back years of buried pain about my looks and skinnyness (as vein as that sounds, its not meant like that). Considering the amount ive been eating lately ive put some weight on (i hope), but it usually just goes straight to my stomach, and feels like all that weight has disappeared by the morning!
I said to myself when i was nearing end of seniors that if someone cant accept me for who i am, then they can just keep walking on past me and my life. But at the same time i dont want this guy to do that... i want to help him understand if he wants to and explain its pretty normal for me and im never going to be muscly. not even a little bit. but then on the other hand i keep thinking about that saying i told myself years ago...
Its stupid. I hate when people i like in that way says things about my weight or something as its the thing im the most self-conscience about. Ive just learnt to hide it better over the years. But still him saying that made me feel so small, weak and self-conscience all over again. and im pretty angry and upset that he made me feel like that!
Heres the pic of my latest tatt. The words "hope" and "breathe" are written on the tails for myself.
Tuesday 11 May 2010
Massive diet rant. Fair warning.
I'm guna rant...
Im getting so pissed off with all these people who are on bloody diets!!
By their version of a diet i mean they are thinking they are being good and healthy by eating a celery stick a day, if that! If anything its just so stupid and has major health implications! So one stick of celery is a possible understatement, but you get the point.
I don't understand diets. I know as ive got CF it doesnt really matter if i diet, its very discouraged for me to do that. I see it as fried chicken is healthy for me basically. But i dont rule out healthy foods as well, im addicted to salads, and i like my vegetables (although being at uni, i dont eat as much veg as i should - sorry mum lol) but i just dont understand, why is the world so so vein. Its actually quite disgusting sometimes. and extremely sad. Its really makes me angry, as im sure this blog will show.
Why cant people (from all walks of life) just eat what the hell they want and then just exercise properly! Not stand for 3 hours in the shop comparing the amount of calories on two packets of food that are practically the same!... either way they are guna consume them calories and they will like it, so why bother counting the calories, it doesnt add to the taste!!
Im ranting about this also because a few friends have been telling me that i eat too much unhealthy things. Yeah i had KFC 4 times last week, at least 3 starbucks chocolate cream frappachinos - sometimes with extra whipped cream, ive eaten sweets galore, and ive just polished off a box of Mr Kipling Angel slices (there were 6 in the box). And thats just a small amount of what ive eaten this week! And, honestly. im pretty proud of that monumental amount for me, as my appetite has been non-existant for a while now, so this is also a sign for me that something is picking up in me and my extra nebs and physio is actually paying off for a change. (even if it doesnt feel like it when out walking, thats still a work in progress). All my friends know about my high calorie needs and why i need them so much. But i still dont rule out exercise. I still like to sometimes watch what i eat. Sometimes ill just have 3 KFCs in a week (lol).
Im not saying everyone must eat the kind of things i eat and/or as much, as im sure that most of my friends couldnt handle that (considering i know someone who gets full up after a pot noodle! A pot noodle!!) I just wish they would get off my case. Im not guna stop eating "junk" just coz they cant eat it, coz it means their bikini wont look good on them this summer.
If they keep on, they will be picking their head up from off the floor.
I feel a bit better now. Deal with it.
Im getting so pissed off with all these people who are on bloody diets!!
By their version of a diet i mean they are thinking they are being good and healthy by eating a celery stick a day, if that! If anything its just so stupid and has major health implications! So one stick of celery is a possible understatement, but you get the point.
I don't understand diets. I know as ive got CF it doesnt really matter if i diet, its very discouraged for me to do that. I see it as fried chicken is healthy for me basically. But i dont rule out healthy foods as well, im addicted to salads, and i like my vegetables (although being at uni, i dont eat as much veg as i should - sorry mum lol) but i just dont understand, why is the world so so vein. Its actually quite disgusting sometimes. and extremely sad. Its really makes me angry, as im sure this blog will show.
Why cant people (from all walks of life) just eat what the hell they want and then just exercise properly! Not stand for 3 hours in the shop comparing the amount of calories on two packets of food that are practically the same!... either way they are guna consume them calories and they will like it, so why bother counting the calories, it doesnt add to the taste!!
Im ranting about this also because a few friends have been telling me that i eat too much unhealthy things. Yeah i had KFC 4 times last week, at least 3 starbucks chocolate cream frappachinos - sometimes with extra whipped cream, ive eaten sweets galore, and ive just polished off a box of Mr Kipling Angel slices (there were 6 in the box). And thats just a small amount of what ive eaten this week! And, honestly. im pretty proud of that monumental amount for me, as my appetite has been non-existant for a while now, so this is also a sign for me that something is picking up in me and my extra nebs and physio is actually paying off for a change. (even if it doesnt feel like it when out walking, thats still a work in progress). All my friends know about my high calorie needs and why i need them so much. But i still dont rule out exercise. I still like to sometimes watch what i eat. Sometimes ill just have 3 KFCs in a week (lol).
Im not saying everyone must eat the kind of things i eat and/or as much, as im sure that most of my friends couldnt handle that (considering i know someone who gets full up after a pot noodle! A pot noodle!!) I just wish they would get off my case. Im not guna stop eating "junk" just coz they cant eat it, coz it means their bikini wont look good on them this summer.
If they keep on, they will be picking their head up from off the floor.
I feel a bit better now. Deal with it.
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