Just stuff...

I'm feeling a bit crabby today so you'll just have to bare with this blog post.

Its my 22nd Birthday 2morro! At least this year I'm not coming out of hospital a day before it, but I'm still not well for it really. So its just the same as last year.
I'm really fed up with a few things right now. Namely that I'm alone. Completely. Yes I've got my mum and my best friend Emily (who I'm so so looking forward to her coming home from placement in a few months from France!!) but they are there for me in other ways. I'm sick of being on my own now.
Every where i go i see people being able to get on with their life's and to not have to plan for how they might be feeling tomorrow or that evening before they can even make any plans for something to do. I see people in relationships and i hate that the most at the moment because its one thing i most wish for right now, for me to meet someone that's nice for a change and who i get along with, and who doesn't come with a history like some of my previous boyfriends. I understand they will still have a history i don't mind that as long as its not like the history's of my past bf's, which I'm not going to go into on here as it doesn't need to be known.

But i don't see any way I'm going to meet anyone to be honest. I know zero people around here. Don't get me wrong i love living where i live, but i just wish i had friends! Friends who would come and see me at home when I'm too sick to go out myself, friends who would go for a meal with me randomly just for some laughs after a rough day. Friends who would ring/text me gossip and to see how I'm doing or just tell me how they are in reply to my messages and things like that!!
Emily is that friend for me and more of a friend than the standard if that makes sense, but shes in France atm, and then we wont be living with each other anymore, and then shes finishing Uni and not sure whats happening after that, anything could really.

I want friends who i can go out for some drinks with, and go dancing when I'm too drunk too care how bad it is haha. For me these friends only seem to exist in my head or in fictional programs and books. Much the same as men.

I feel like I'm the outsider looking in through the window at everyone else being able to get on with their lives, find partners, and friends and going through those "stages" of life that are expected.
I want to get married and have kids eventually, but i honestly just cant see it happening if i cant even find anyone. I feel like the reject at the bottom of the pile. Ive seen guys look at me and smile, and then ill cough and cough and not stop and it must look horrific coz hes not looking nicely at me anymore. Theres either that horrid pity look or that disgusted look. Though admittedly i do prefer the disgusted look over the pitying look. I want a partner, not a nurse.

Birthday will be spend much the same as every other day. Bored, fed up and sick.

Immense. Fun.

Sorry this has been a crap post. I'm in the mood to write and vent, and i guess this is what came out today. Just really down...

Home Sweet Home!

This is the first chance I've had to write this today!

IM HOME!!!!! :D

I was happy to leave hospital, im just shy of a month of being in hospital!! Im still on IV's but its just meropenem now three times a day :D I had my last doses of Ceftazadime and Tobramycin yesterday, and i finish my mero on friday morning, then off to hospital to have my port deaccessed.Then im taking a week or so to rest up at mums, and get fattened up with lush food and then im hoping to get back to uni, then itll be Easter hols so ill have lots of time to rest up then before starting a fresh for my new term in April.

My CF nurse said to me today that she can train me to deaccess my port myself, and i looked at her totally panic stricken!! Im still getting over my fear of needles (ive got about 5 tattoos and i freak at having blood taken and such - go figure lol!) and my port im still getting used to it all and having one, so theres no way i can pull a needle out myself at the moment! Maybe in a few years or maybe less, well see. But i am doing really well at getting over the fear of needles (even my doctor said that :D), i think having the finger prick BM test once or twice a day everyday whilst in hospital actually helped with that haha!! Ive got lots of little white dots on my fingers now.

I know that ive got like 2 days left of my mero and it wasnt really worth coming out so soon to the end, but i wanted to and i think they wanted me to be out by tomorrow at least as its my 21st :D.... in fact i just realised the time and its officailly my birthday :D Im now 21 and old!! Happy Birthday to me :)

Im going to my mums for my birthday with some friends and mums prepared a little buffet thing for us all, and were just guna chill out, watch some films, and embarress ourselves on the Wii :D
I was going to go out drinking with friends on Friday night but im still way to knackered for that now and ill still have my IV meds in my system, and last time i drank after coming off them... well ill just say it wasnt pretty, and i looked like death :| So im going out in a few weeks when im pretty sure im all clear :)

I was talking to my physio today before i was discharged and she said itll pay me to get out of hospital as then i can gage when im off the meds what is making me feel so rubbish all the time, whether thats the meds, generally being in hospital, or the fact that this infection has just really battered me and i just need my rest to recharge my batteries so to speak. Ive made a really good plan for physio during the week and weve fit it all in around my lectures and things. Once the summer arrives ill be able to go back out there and start running again, plus im getting my gym sorted out and am hopefully having my induction next week.

I was joking with Emily saying that i need to go on some sort of course to be rehabilitated back into society... that is depending if they'll have me :P

On a closing note, im so happy for Rachael Wakefield who got the call for her new lungs! I dont really know her well, but i know she is a very strong women and all my good luck thoughts are with her! :)