I don't know what this blog is about exactly but i need to clear my head somehow.
Its like my head is really full up with everything and i just cant clear my head. Its affecting my sleep, and stressing me out so now i can feel myself going down hill again just when id been making some good progress. Progress which the hospital didn't see as its all happened between appointments and so i know they wont fully believe me that things did improve for a while.
I'm stuck in a slump and once again I'm not sure how to get out of it. I have everything in my head on a "i could do this tomorrow" sort of list, but i just keep waking up and thinking "oh good, same crap, different day." Which is not how i want to be waking up! The weekends are better as i know I've got company 'coz mums not at work. I'm extremely looking forward to the summer holidays that the schools have just so mums at home and I've got someone to spend time with and do things with!
I'm really trying to get myself back onto my schedule of Neb's etc, I'm just finding it hard to get motivated. You think the fact that i know not doing my treatments regularly will make me worse would be something to motivate me. I don't want to end up on a transplant list, i don't want to get sicker than i already am, i want to do so much with my life, but at the moment i just cant get motivated or energised to do anything! All i seem to be able to do is sit around in my pj's all day, and I'm either just plain emotional and wanting to cry all the time over heaven knows what, or i just feel really angry at everything. Literally everything including my oxygen tubing, i got so pissed off with it the other night, being so hot on my face and being uncomfy with it i ripped it off my face and threw it across the room.
I want to know people but i don't know how to go about it because I'm not confident to go out on my own lately 'coz all i do is choke and stop every 5 mins. I hate being stared at like I've got some catching disease or something.
Maybe i just need to start writing things down a lot more, not always on here, some things i feel are too personal to put on here. Besides i don't actually think anyone really reads this blog apart from one person i know of.
Sometimes i wonder whats the point.
Thursday 9 June 2011
Wednesday 8 June 2011
Death in the family
Not the happiest blog ill ever write.
My cousin lost his 3 year (i think) battle against cancer yesterday morning. Although i knew that he had gone down hill the past month or so to the point that he wasnt even getting out of bed now and was becoming pretty much just skin and bones, but his passing was still unexpected.
My mum came home from work where one of my Aunts had rung her with the news and when she got home we went around to my Aunts who's son he is. (im not going to say 'was' because just becaused hes passed, doesnt make him any less her son). All the family rallied round and came over to say goodbye and comfort the rest of the family.
Although the circumstances were beyond horrible, it was still nice to see that my family are actually there for each other when it really counts. This did surprise me as ive never seen it happen before really.
My cousin who has passed was still there in his bed. It was a bit scary to see him at first like that, but after a while i was able to look at him properly and he looked so peaceful. He looked free from any pain he was in, and he looked just like he was sleeping and dreaming nice things. That in a way made it worse when you realised suddenly that you couldnt see him breathing and then it hits you again and again. Yet you still look for that rythm of breathing. I paniced when i couldnt see it the frist time i looked at him, and then i think that was when it really proved to me that he had passed on...
I didnt cry when i was at my Aunt's as i wanted to be strong for the family and my mum.
I cried when i got home though, much against my will as i hate crying 'coz it just makes me more tired and breathless, but i had to let it out. I told mum that i didnt feel like i should be upset this much as i wasnt that close to him. Because i had lived far away from him when i was growing up we never got to really know each other. But mum explained that he is still our family and that i do have every right to be upset just as much as the rest of the family do.
I think some of my sadness is from the shock of him going when he is so young. Hes the same age as me (22) and would have been 23 in a few weeks!
My family are all saying now that we need to all keep in contact more with each other. Ive been wanting this for ages, and its a shame its taken one of my cousins passing to have it happen...
My cousin lost his 3 year (i think) battle against cancer yesterday morning. Although i knew that he had gone down hill the past month or so to the point that he wasnt even getting out of bed now and was becoming pretty much just skin and bones, but his passing was still unexpected.
My mum came home from work where one of my Aunts had rung her with the news and when she got home we went around to my Aunts who's son he is. (im not going to say 'was' because just becaused hes passed, doesnt make him any less her son). All the family rallied round and came over to say goodbye and comfort the rest of the family.
Although the circumstances were beyond horrible, it was still nice to see that my family are actually there for each other when it really counts. This did surprise me as ive never seen it happen before really.
My cousin who has passed was still there in his bed. It was a bit scary to see him at first like that, but after a while i was able to look at him properly and he looked so peaceful. He looked free from any pain he was in, and he looked just like he was sleeping and dreaming nice things. That in a way made it worse when you realised suddenly that you couldnt see him breathing and then it hits you again and again. Yet you still look for that rythm of breathing. I paniced when i couldnt see it the frist time i looked at him, and then i think that was when it really proved to me that he had passed on...
I didnt cry when i was at my Aunt's as i wanted to be strong for the family and my mum.
I cried when i got home though, much against my will as i hate crying 'coz it just makes me more tired and breathless, but i had to let it out. I told mum that i didnt feel like i should be upset this much as i wasnt that close to him. Because i had lived far away from him when i was growing up we never got to really know each other. But mum explained that he is still our family and that i do have every right to be upset just as much as the rest of the family do.
I think some of my sadness is from the shock of him going when he is so young. Hes the same age as me (22) and would have been 23 in a few weeks!
My family are all saying now that we need to all keep in contact more with each other. Ive been wanting this for ages, and its a shame its taken one of my cousins passing to have it happen...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
