I don't know what this blog is about exactly but i need to clear my head somehow.
Its like my head is really full up with everything and i just cant clear my head. Its affecting my sleep, and stressing me out so now i can feel myself going down hill again just when id been making some good progress. Progress which the hospital didn't see as its all happened between appointments and so i know they wont fully believe me that things did improve for a while.
I'm stuck in a slump and once again I'm not sure how to get out of it. I have everything in my head on a "i could do this tomorrow" sort of list, but i just keep waking up and thinking "oh good, same crap, different day." Which is not how i want to be waking up! The weekends are better as i know I've got company 'coz mums not at work. I'm extremely looking forward to the summer holidays that the schools have just so mums at home and I've got someone to spend time with and do things with!
I'm really trying to get myself back onto my schedule of Neb's etc, I'm just finding it hard to get motivated. You think the fact that i know not doing my treatments regularly will make me worse would be something to motivate me. I don't want to end up on a transplant list, i don't want to get sicker than i already am, i want to do so much with my life, but at the moment i just cant get motivated or energised to do anything! All i seem to be able to do is sit around in my pj's all day, and I'm either just plain emotional and wanting to cry all the time over heaven knows what, or i just feel really angry at everything. Literally everything including my oxygen tubing, i got so pissed off with it the other night, being so hot on my face and being uncomfy with it i ripped it off my face and threw it across the room.
I want to know people but i don't know how to go about it because I'm not confident to go out on my own lately 'coz all i do is choke and stop every 5 mins. I hate being stared at like I've got some catching disease or something.
Maybe i just need to start writing things down a lot more, not always on here, some things i feel are too personal to put on here. Besides i don't actually think anyone really reads this blog apart from one person i know of.
Sometimes i wonder whats the point.
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Thursday, 9 June 2011
Sunday, 23 January 2011
Daily Trials
So I'm still not much better. I mentioned in my last post about the terrifying possibility of needing a PEG soon as i cant keep weight on if i can manage to gain it at all that is.
I was feeling optimistic about the fact that i might not need it as i was feeling like my eating was starting to pick up a bit each day. But the past like week maybe, those optimistic thoughts have been diminishing daily. Although I've been trying my utmost hardest to eat and eat little and often as having the regular large meals and snacks in between wasn't working for me. But i keep throwing up :(
Sometimes its because I've coughed too hard and too much as i couldn't catch my breath in the morning when i first wake up, sometimes its just random and just happens. Its usually those times that are the worst and most violent :(
I couldn't sleep the other night as all i was thinking about was this stupid PEG. They say things come in threes. The first was my port, indicating to me that my veins are rubbish now and there's a future waiting for me containing more IVs. Now the second is a PEG... what the hells next?! I hate to think.
I feel incredibly frustrated about everything that's happening. Its like I've lost control of my own body and i hate it. Its quite scary sometimes really. I don't feel like theres much point telling the team any of this because A. they wouldn't actually get it as much as they write things down and say "yes i understand" they just don't get the emotional part of living with a debilitating disease that sucks the life out of you some days that all you feel you can do is sit there and just cry and cry. and B. There isn't anything they can do about this, so whats the point in telling them? ...
I wish more than anything now that i didn't have to do Uni. I just don't have the stamina left for it anymore. One day at uni and I'm shattered i can sleep for 2 days! And with some assignments due and some waiting to be set doesn't help get my stress level down. The Uni don't help much with regards to things like extensions as they don't offer them no matter the circumstance. If you were in a coma and had an assignment due in before you went into said coma, they would fail you for not having for seen said coma and handed in the work early, and charge you £50 to resit and cap you at 40% . That's how helpful the Uni are.
I tried to have a nice normal day out shopping with mum yesterday and i felt fine when i woke up, managed to take a shower and was a bit knackered out after that, but still managed to do my physio and have breakfast. Felt fine on the train to Bristol, and then when i got there started to feel a bit sick. Thought i was just a bit thirsty so we went for a coffee first, i had a lemonade as that usually helps to combat sickness feeling for me. But it didn't work and as the day wore on i felt progressively worse and more strangled for breath when walking. I had to keep sitting down in the shops while i told mum to go have a look and ill catch up with her. By the time i caught up she was finished and i wasn't in the mood to have a look for myself. I thought maybe i was just hungry and so we went for lunch at a place we love called Bella Italia. Got a pasta dish i know i like and shared it with mum. Barely managed 3 forkfuls of food, before i went to the toilets and promptly threw up everything from breakfast to right then. Although i felt a bit better, i was then incredibly hungry but still unable to eat anything and had a very sore stomach and throat :( Paid up at lunch and i tried some more shops as i didn't want to ruin mums first weekend out in a long time any more than i already had. I managed about another 3 shops maybe and couldn't go on and so we went home early.
I still feel bad about it now the next day even though i know we can always go back and finish the shops we didn't get to another weekend, but that's not the point for me.
I'm just so fed up with pretty much everything right now. Plus with Annual Review as my next appointment now i don't think things will be getting much better. In my opinion even if i do manage to put weight on it wont show at the appointment 'coz i have to starve myself for them stupid blood tests and if it does show its gone up it still wont be enough for them to piss off and leave me alone.
I was feeling optimistic about the fact that i might not need it as i was feeling like my eating was starting to pick up a bit each day. But the past like week maybe, those optimistic thoughts have been diminishing daily. Although I've been trying my utmost hardest to eat and eat little and often as having the regular large meals and snacks in between wasn't working for me. But i keep throwing up :(
Sometimes its because I've coughed too hard and too much as i couldn't catch my breath in the morning when i first wake up, sometimes its just random and just happens. Its usually those times that are the worst and most violent :(
I couldn't sleep the other night as all i was thinking about was this stupid PEG. They say things come in threes. The first was my port, indicating to me that my veins are rubbish now and there's a future waiting for me containing more IVs. Now the second is a PEG... what the hells next?! I hate to think.
I feel incredibly frustrated about everything that's happening. Its like I've lost control of my own body and i hate it. Its quite scary sometimes really. I don't feel like theres much point telling the team any of this because A. they wouldn't actually get it as much as they write things down and say "yes i understand" they just don't get the emotional part of living with a debilitating disease that sucks the life out of you some days that all you feel you can do is sit there and just cry and cry. and B. There isn't anything they can do about this, so whats the point in telling them? ...
I wish more than anything now that i didn't have to do Uni. I just don't have the stamina left for it anymore. One day at uni and I'm shattered i can sleep for 2 days! And with some assignments due and some waiting to be set doesn't help get my stress level down. The Uni don't help much with regards to things like extensions as they don't offer them no matter the circumstance. If you were in a coma and had an assignment due in before you went into said coma, they would fail you for not having for seen said coma and handed in the work early, and charge you £50 to resit and cap you at 40% . That's how helpful the Uni are.
I tried to have a nice normal day out shopping with mum yesterday and i felt fine when i woke up, managed to take a shower and was a bit knackered out after that, but still managed to do my physio and have breakfast. Felt fine on the train to Bristol, and then when i got there started to feel a bit sick. Thought i was just a bit thirsty so we went for a coffee first, i had a lemonade as that usually helps to combat sickness feeling for me. But it didn't work and as the day wore on i felt progressively worse and more strangled for breath when walking. I had to keep sitting down in the shops while i told mum to go have a look and ill catch up with her. By the time i caught up she was finished and i wasn't in the mood to have a look for myself. I thought maybe i was just hungry and so we went for lunch at a place we love called Bella Italia. Got a pasta dish i know i like and shared it with mum. Barely managed 3 forkfuls of food, before i went to the toilets and promptly threw up everything from breakfast to right then. Although i felt a bit better, i was then incredibly hungry but still unable to eat anything and had a very sore stomach and throat :( Paid up at lunch and i tried some more shops as i didn't want to ruin mums first weekend out in a long time any more than i already had. I managed about another 3 shops maybe and couldn't go on and so we went home early.
I still feel bad about it now the next day even though i know we can always go back and finish the shops we didn't get to another weekend, but that's not the point for me.
I'm just so fed up with pretty much everything right now. Plus with Annual Review as my next appointment now i don't think things will be getting much better. In my opinion even if i do manage to put weight on it wont show at the appointment 'coz i have to starve myself for them stupid blood tests and if it does show its gone up it still wont be enough for them to piss off and leave me alone.
Wednesday, 1 December 2010
Feeling pretty rubbish :(
Im feeling so rubbish these past few weeks. I was doing really well months ago, then i got a cold and since then everything has just been pretty crap. And now ive got another cold. Perfect.
Its not as bad as the last one, but its still knocking me for six. Im still doing the gym, im really pushing myself there coz i want all this junk off my chest so i can breath a bit better again! I am doing well at the gym, ive done a bit of everything on my training plan now, a lot of cardio and some weights as well. Which granted im lifting the weight of a feather but that doesnt bother me really as i knew i was pretty weak, plus from all the joint pain i get, ive got lasting effects of it and my wrists are quite weak :| Ah the joys of CF! But its helping me to cough up loads of this crap on my chest, which is good, but its quite bad theres so much down there! :( I feel a round of IV's coming on.
Im so knackered! Im doing gym, and coursework and the occaisional day at Uni, which im usually pretty shattered for by the time i get there as i have to get up quite early, get a train, and then wait in the freezing cold until the bus decides to turn up. So im quite shocked i manage to just about stay awake in the lectures i do manage to get to! Granted gym, coursework and Uni doesnt sound like much to be doing, but when thats all im doing day in day out, it gets tedious and knackering after a while. Especially when you cant switch off at night to sleep properly :(
Coursework at the moment is a total joke. Ive got my digital media project going on which is basically my dissertation, then ive got a consultany project with a real client outside of the Uni with a group of other people. Another assignment that i have to have done for the 9th and ive got NO idea what the hell im doing for it, and another one due in on the 16th which is a series of mini projects ive been doing since like October or something. But the specifications we get for these assignments are made over techinical when theres absolutely no need for that, and then the tutors get all grumpy when so many students ask questions about everything! If they actually put things we needed to know in the spec we wouldnt have to clearly bother them with our queries.
Tomorrow im supposed to be handing in a 3000 word research report and also doing a presentation showing off a prototype of my media project so far. This im not looking forward to, and at this rate im not going to be able to do the presentation, 'coz ive got really bad chest pains and it hurts to breathe, move, cough, sneeze, hiccup, you name it and im practically crying with the pain at some points! It started at the weekend and then went away on tuesday so i was able to do the gym, and today its come back with vengance :( Not happy.
At least ive got hospital on friday, which is good and bad. Last time i went my lung function was down to 45% because of that annoying cold i had gotten last time. Then i think i had gotten some lung function back but now ive got another stupid cold my chest sounds like a car engine that wont start.Whether that has killed my lung function i thought i had gained i dont know, guess well find out on friday! Hopefully i will have gained weight tho, ive been eating mum out of house and home haha! I have noticed my energy has picked up a little bit, which usually only happens with weight gain for me more than a gain in lung function. Though i still dont want to get out of bed in the mornings, but thats only more because its freezing!! haha!
On a more happy note, ive had my hair cut :) It was getting really long which is what i wanted but it was getting unmanagable to wash it and comb it and general care of my hair. So i had it cut to just below my shoulders and styled a bit as well. I'll put a picture up soon, as well as a pic of my new tatt :D I had it done weeks ago, but its not long finished healing so it looks better for a picture now. I always find the smaller tattoos take longer to heal than the large ones ive had done. Weird.
Right better get on with this coursework :|
Its not as bad as the last one, but its still knocking me for six. Im still doing the gym, im really pushing myself there coz i want all this junk off my chest so i can breath a bit better again! I am doing well at the gym, ive done a bit of everything on my training plan now, a lot of cardio and some weights as well. Which granted im lifting the weight of a feather but that doesnt bother me really as i knew i was pretty weak, plus from all the joint pain i get, ive got lasting effects of it and my wrists are quite weak :| Ah the joys of CF! But its helping me to cough up loads of this crap on my chest, which is good, but its quite bad theres so much down there! :( I feel a round of IV's coming on.
Im so knackered! Im doing gym, and coursework and the occaisional day at Uni, which im usually pretty shattered for by the time i get there as i have to get up quite early, get a train, and then wait in the freezing cold until the bus decides to turn up. So im quite shocked i manage to just about stay awake in the lectures i do manage to get to! Granted gym, coursework and Uni doesnt sound like much to be doing, but when thats all im doing day in day out, it gets tedious and knackering after a while. Especially when you cant switch off at night to sleep properly :(
Coursework at the moment is a total joke. Ive got my digital media project going on which is basically my dissertation, then ive got a consultany project with a real client outside of the Uni with a group of other people. Another assignment that i have to have done for the 9th and ive got NO idea what the hell im doing for it, and another one due in on the 16th which is a series of mini projects ive been doing since like October or something. But the specifications we get for these assignments are made over techinical when theres absolutely no need for that, and then the tutors get all grumpy when so many students ask questions about everything! If they actually put things we needed to know in the spec we wouldnt have to clearly bother them with our queries.
Tomorrow im supposed to be handing in a 3000 word research report and also doing a presentation showing off a prototype of my media project so far. This im not looking forward to, and at this rate im not going to be able to do the presentation, 'coz ive got really bad chest pains and it hurts to breathe, move, cough, sneeze, hiccup, you name it and im practically crying with the pain at some points! It started at the weekend and then went away on tuesday so i was able to do the gym, and today its come back with vengance :( Not happy.
At least ive got hospital on friday, which is good and bad. Last time i went my lung function was down to 45% because of that annoying cold i had gotten last time. Then i think i had gotten some lung function back but now ive got another stupid cold my chest sounds like a car engine that wont start.Whether that has killed my lung function i thought i had gained i dont know, guess well find out on friday! Hopefully i will have gained weight tho, ive been eating mum out of house and home haha! I have noticed my energy has picked up a little bit, which usually only happens with weight gain for me more than a gain in lung function. Though i still dont want to get out of bed in the mornings, but thats only more because its freezing!! haha!
On a more happy note, ive had my hair cut :) It was getting really long which is what i wanted but it was getting unmanagable to wash it and comb it and general care of my hair. So i had it cut to just below my shoulders and styled a bit as well. I'll put a picture up soon, as well as a pic of my new tatt :D I had it done weeks ago, but its not long finished healing so it looks better for a picture now. I always find the smaller tattoos take longer to heal than the large ones ive had done. Weird.
Right better get on with this coursework :|
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
exams and stuff
Yesterday was a pretty crap day to be perfectly honest. I was revising all day for my exam i had this morning, and a lot of other things just pilled on top of me and i ended up spending most of the night crying my eyes out and once i got going i wasnt able to stop. Seriously i was like a hormonal pregnant woman who was crying coz the couple on TV finally got together or something!!
I think a lot of it was stress and tiredness. Major stress. I dont do well during exam time at all! I hate exams and always have done, i much prefer coursework! I have been that stressed the past few days that ive barely been able to eat... pretty much the most ive eaten the past few days has been coco pops and a small meal of beans on toast with Bacon (which in truth was just meant to be a bacon sandwich!) plus im worried that the 7% gain back in lung function i managed to get the other week i think it was when physio last came to see me, i think that ive lost it... but im back to sorting my nebs out properly as i did slack a little due to wanting to spend so much time revising/stressing and yelling at past exam papers that the question doesnt make sense!
I think the final straw last night before i lost it was when i realised that as i had wiped my browser history the other day to see if it would help my browser to sort its life out (its worked before lol) i managed to delete the email i had saved for this blog and i couldnt remember it when i tried to log in last night to make a post as writing i thought would help me feel better. Thats when it all got far too much and i just literally broke and sat rocking and hugging the pillow crying on the edge of my bed like a crazy person!
I woke up at 5am this morning after a restless sleep and thought, well as i cant sleep ill revise. So from 5am till 8.30am when i left for the bus to uni i was creating mind maps for revision and getting ready for uni. I actually managed to eat 2 bowls of cereal this morning, yet my stomach still decided to be the one to be really noisy during the exam. Also for some reason i could smell pancakes during my exam and had a craving arrive like half way through my 3 hour exam for a milkyway bar... so as soon as i was allowed to leave my exam i raided the student shop, and had the largest amount of food ive had in a few days! It was soooo good! :)
Once i got home from my exam, i suddenly realised in the small amount of sanity i had somehow gained overnight that i actually had my email for this blog written down!! So yay!! I am happy again... i think this blog has become a sort of security blanket, and realising i couldnt access it last night just freaked me out so much!
I think the exam went okay this morning, I feel like i did okayish on the first section and the second section we had to choose to answer 2 of the 4 questions that were on the paper. Luckily we had been given the topics to revise, and so i was able to answer one of them (i feel) quite well as i know a fair bit about that topic (XML code language if anyones interested :) ) but the other question i totally bombed on. I couldnt remember how to draw the diagram or what it all meant! I couldnt remember the benefits of it all (3 tier architecture) etc, so i totally blagged the question and im hoping the answer has sort of crept up in enough of a way that ill get some marks if not all of them!
Either way im glad its over, and ive got 2 left!! One on Thursday morning and then my last one on Friday morning! Then as soon as that last exam is over me and my friends are all going to something called Last Orders at the uni campus... Basically the student bars have to get rid of all their alcohol supplies for the summer as no one will be there and so they sell it at really reduced prices, and have acts and other things happening around campus.... Basically im going to be very hung over on Saturday morning, which bodes well for my journey home to go to a car boot sale with my mum! :D Luckily ive warned her that i will be in no way human like on saturday, and apologised in advance for in case im still slightly drunk :p Thankfully my mum is fairly easy going and i know shell just laugh at me rather than lecture me about drinking. After all the suffering the morning after is my own doing, and i dont drink every night... in fact its been a long time since i drank, so im very much looking forward to the copious amount of fun and alcohol and dancing to be had :D
Also ive decided my blog lacks far too much in pictures and ive decided to add one of my new hair colour... which was blonde and is now red, courtesy of mum dying it for me :D
Im pretty impressed that ive managed to grow it this long! I usually get impatient and have it all cut off... But apparently i look much better with long hair :)
I think a lot of it was stress and tiredness. Major stress. I dont do well during exam time at all! I hate exams and always have done, i much prefer coursework! I have been that stressed the past few days that ive barely been able to eat... pretty much the most ive eaten the past few days has been coco pops and a small meal of beans on toast with Bacon (which in truth was just meant to be a bacon sandwich!) plus im worried that the 7% gain back in lung function i managed to get the other week i think it was when physio last came to see me, i think that ive lost it... but im back to sorting my nebs out properly as i did slack a little due to wanting to spend so much time revising/stressing and yelling at past exam papers that the question doesnt make sense!
I think the final straw last night before i lost it was when i realised that as i had wiped my browser history the other day to see if it would help my browser to sort its life out (its worked before lol) i managed to delete the email i had saved for this blog and i couldnt remember it when i tried to log in last night to make a post as writing i thought would help me feel better. Thats when it all got far too much and i just literally broke and sat rocking and hugging the pillow crying on the edge of my bed like a crazy person!
I woke up at 5am this morning after a restless sleep and thought, well as i cant sleep ill revise. So from 5am till 8.30am when i left for the bus to uni i was creating mind maps for revision and getting ready for uni. I actually managed to eat 2 bowls of cereal this morning, yet my stomach still decided to be the one to be really noisy during the exam. Also for some reason i could smell pancakes during my exam and had a craving arrive like half way through my 3 hour exam for a milkyway bar... so as soon as i was allowed to leave my exam i raided the student shop, and had the largest amount of food ive had in a few days! It was soooo good! :)
Once i got home from my exam, i suddenly realised in the small amount of sanity i had somehow gained overnight that i actually had my email for this blog written down!! So yay!! I am happy again... i think this blog has become a sort of security blanket, and realising i couldnt access it last night just freaked me out so much!
I think the exam went okay this morning, I feel like i did okayish on the first section and the second section we had to choose to answer 2 of the 4 questions that were on the paper. Luckily we had been given the topics to revise, and so i was able to answer one of them (i feel) quite well as i know a fair bit about that topic (XML code language if anyones interested :) ) but the other question i totally bombed on. I couldnt remember how to draw the diagram or what it all meant! I couldnt remember the benefits of it all (3 tier architecture) etc, so i totally blagged the question and im hoping the answer has sort of crept up in enough of a way that ill get some marks if not all of them!
Either way im glad its over, and ive got 2 left!! One on Thursday morning and then my last one on Friday morning! Then as soon as that last exam is over me and my friends are all going to something called Last Orders at the uni campus... Basically the student bars have to get rid of all their alcohol supplies for the summer as no one will be there and so they sell it at really reduced prices, and have acts and other things happening around campus.... Basically im going to be very hung over on Saturday morning, which bodes well for my journey home to go to a car boot sale with my mum! :D Luckily ive warned her that i will be in no way human like on saturday, and apologised in advance for in case im still slightly drunk :p Thankfully my mum is fairly easy going and i know shell just laugh at me rather than lecture me about drinking. After all the suffering the morning after is my own doing, and i dont drink every night... in fact its been a long time since i drank, so im very much looking forward to the copious amount of fun and alcohol and dancing to be had :D
Also ive decided my blog lacks far too much in pictures and ive decided to add one of my new hair colour... which was blonde and is now red, courtesy of mum dying it for me :D
Im pretty impressed that ive managed to grow it this long! I usually get impatient and have it all cut off... But apparently i look much better with long hair :)
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