messy head

I don't know what this blog is about exactly but i need to clear my head somehow.

Its like my head is really full up with everything and i just cant clear my head. Its affecting my sleep, and stressing me out so now i can feel myself going down hill again just when id been making some good progress. Progress which the hospital didn't see as its all happened between appointments and so i know they wont fully believe me that things did improve for a while.

I'm stuck in a slump and once again I'm not sure how to get out of it. I have everything in my head on a "i could do this tomorrow" sort of list, but i just keep waking up and thinking "oh good, same crap, different day." Which is not how i want to be waking up! The weekends are better as i know I've got company 'coz mums not at work. I'm extremely looking forward to the summer holidays that the schools have just so mums at home and I've got someone to spend time with and do things with!

I'm really trying to get myself back onto my schedule of Neb's etc, I'm just finding it hard to get motivated. You think the fact that i know not doing my treatments regularly will make me worse would be something to motivate me. I don't want to end up on a transplant list, i don't want to get sicker than i already am, i want to do so much with my life, but at the moment i just cant get motivated or energised to do anything! All i seem to be able to do is sit around in my pj's all day, and I'm either just plain emotional and wanting to cry all the time over heaven knows what, or i just feel really angry at everything. Literally everything including my oxygen tubing, i got so pissed off with it the other night, being so hot on my face and being uncomfy with it i ripped it off my face and threw it across the room.

I want to know people but i don't know how to go about it because I'm not confident to go out on my own lately 'coz all i do is choke and stop every 5 mins. I hate being stared at like I've got some catching disease or something.

Maybe i just need to start writing things down a lot more, not always on here, some things i feel are too personal to put on here. Besides i don't actually think anyone really reads this blog apart from one person i know of.

Sometimes i wonder whats the point.

BORED!!

Dont get me wrong im glad to be home and everything like that, but im SOOOOO bored its ridiculous. Im that bored its making me low and fed up. I havnt the energy to do anything, including getting out of bed at a time where i feel like im not being lazy. I set myself some plans to do the night before and i wake up and i think, oh, another boring day. And ive just got no oumph to do anything.

I wish so much that i knew people around here. I used to when i was in College, but now i dont. All my friends from uni live too far away and are preparing for placement year as well. I havnt got a license or a car so its not like i can just hop in my car and drive somewhere just for something to do :(

Im that fed up i cant be bothered to do my nebs etc. Which yeah i know its REALLY uber bad. But still, its not as easy as some people seem to think it is to get the effort to do what seems a simple nebuliser. When you feel stuck for breath just sitting on the sofa, a nebuliser where im huffing and puffing which leads to coughing and then if i cant catch my breath properly throwing up (which im getting thouraghly pissed off with) is the last thing on your mind to do.

I want to go out for walks, i want to do my drawings, i want to do some of my glass painting and so many other things, but im just so fed up i cant be bothered.

Ive got hospital on Friday which isnt what the highlight of my week will be. I will not be refusing IVs this time around. But its typical i actually want them this time and so they wont be offered or "in my best interest". But im insisting on home IVs. Theres no way im going back into hospital to eat the sludge they call food, and such tiny portions for a CF patients, and then still be expected to have gained like 5 kilos in 2 days!! Ridiculous.

Im trying really hard to eat plenty. Im trying to eat little and often... Note i say trying. But its proving so difficult for some reason. I hate it!! I feel hungry and i know i want food, but then i look at what ive got in the cupboard or the fridge or something and im just like theres nothing there that i want to eat. Nothing at all. Food used to be really exciting for me, but now, i dont see what was so exciting about it. I want the food to be exciting again!! And then i get moody and i snap at the people who dont deserve to be snapped at :( I know my weights dropped and i know my Lung Function has gone down even more, but people are asking for a flipping miracle for me to be able to do everything im "meant to do" and more with zero energy all the bloody time.

Im noticing as well that my shoulders are curving around a lot more. Its disgusting, i despise my shoulders! I try and straighten my back and shoulders and then it feels really hard to breathe and so i just shrink and slouch again. Im hoping when i can, to go to town and get one of them big gym ball things, as the physio told me that some stretches on that will help my posture and i can also use it for "fun physio" if theres such a thing...

I know im worrying people, and so that pisses me off with myself even more, and then i get more angry coz i feel like im trapped inside my body that feels so weak and rubbish, and theres nothing i can do about it. Its scary.

Still well see what the hospital says. If i get IVs hopefully they will start kicking me up the butt with some energy!!