Feeling a bit more optimistic!

So my last blog wasn't a very happy or calm one really!

I did as a few people suggested and just thought calmly about the situation, whey up my options, sleep on things a little. I didn't want to rush into a decision i might regret. No matter what my last post suggested. I do love Uni, and i love my course (certain things excluded about that) and i don't really want to leave Uni, unless i got really really very ill and had no choice, or some other situation occurred and i had no choice but to leave.

So i thought and slept and thought some more. I took a look at my results again with a clearer mind and didn't just see the negative side of it all. I did 6 modules and i passed 3 of them, and failed the other three, but only the exam side of them modules. So i did actually pass half my second year!

I worked out the results as well, and to pass on coursework or exams, you need to get 40% + well on one exam i got only 24, but that's only 16 marks from a pass, and most of my question were worth about 8+ points, so really that means i only messed up on two questions! Not bad for a 2 hr exam!
The other two i missed a pass by 7/8 marks, which again each question was worth 8+ marks and so that means i only messed up 1 question on each of them exams!

This made me feel a little more smarter than i had previously felt. It showed me that i was clearly on the right track somewhere along the exam paper line, just not quite there. Plus i have a feeling that i know where i fell down and lost my marks for the exams i missed a pass by 7 or 8 marks on, and so I'm hoping that i just need to really improve them weaknesses and refresh all the other things and i should be better at the exams enough for a pass! I even thought of the point that i might have lost some marks simply because they couldn't read my writing or it didn't make sense!

So i managed to put a positive spin on the negative a little, and I'm pretty happy i managed to do that, as otherwise id still be curled in a ball crying on my bed about what a failure i am, and why do i bother with anything when i always seem to fall flat on myself lol!

I think the sunshine has definitely helped lift my spirits :D Long may it continue!!

So i just need to find £150 to pay for my resits as its £50 a time if the student doesn't have extenuating circumstances accepted or submitted. Which i didn't - that's a very long story and ill tell anyone who really wants to know, as long as they are willing to accept a very long emailed explanation haha!
I think that that was what i was worried and upset about the most, that i wouldn't be able to find the money to resit and then as they are core modules that i have to pass to continue with my course, then i would have to leave Uni. As i said, something i don't want really!!

I think i can find the money. And being at home will help with the revision process again as ill be in a more relaxed place. Not somewhere i feel a lot of pressure, etc...

I actually got out the house today as well for like the first time in about a week. Ive been sitting in my garden and things, but I've not ventured past the front door threshold. I went to town this morning with my mum, insisting on completing my hunt for a nice pair of sandals that actually fit my skinny feet! The hunt was successful and i got a pair of black studded gladiator style sandals :D I managed to save £1.30 with my student card as well so it made it all the more a happy occasion! Got myself 3 more reading books for the summer as well, as I've read everything on my bookshelf. Some of them two or three times haha! They were on a 3 for 2 offer as well so saved some money there as well!

The only thing that hindered my good day today was - no not the football! - that when i was in town, and it was starting to heat up a bit more, i got suddenly really tight chested and found it very hard to breath. I had to sit down and use my inhaler and have a drink. Luckily i had one in my bag. Then due to the lack of breath - at least i think that's the reason - i ended up getting a really bad stitch in my side :( It made it hard to breath as well, so me and mum ended up having to get a taxi home instead of a nice walk. Oh well never mind, I'm all grand now! Just part of the heat i think!

Hope every one's enjoying this glorious weather :D

Whats the fucking point!

Literally i just want the floor to swallow me whole now!

This is pretty much the last straw. I new i didnt do amazingly in my exams, but to do as badly as i have?! I really dont care anymore. Uni can suck it. I fucking give up. I clearly wasnt meant to be the educated person i wanted to be.

CF interfered so much during my second year, i wasnt able to get barely anything done, let alone attend properly to flipping understand anything i was meant to be learning. I was apparently getting all the help i was entitled to, which still wasnt enough for me to get through.

I know it sounds like im blaming CF and not myself, but people who know me personally will know how much ill be blaming myself so no worries there about shifting any "blame".

I honestly dont know what to do from here. Im just so tired.

Tough times

I'm starting to think that my refusal of IVs was a stupid idea. I said to my doctor that i can do this myself, get a bit better i mean. I feel like i was way too optimistic. I'm really struggling here. Caught in a vicious circle: - I need energy to do things such as make food, but i have no energy to do that so nothing gets done about it.

My chest is full of it, i can feel it when i cough. I'm doing all my neb's and things which is helping a bit, but i feel like they are a case of they blow the clouds away for a while but they soon knit back together, if that makes sense?

I'm this close to giving up and ringing the hospital for IVs. Which makes me really sad and really angry at myself and more so at CF. Why cant it just fuck off for a change!? Actually let me be happy for a while.

I don't understand how most of the other CFers always seems so happy and calm and things like that. I can barely slap a smile on myself at the moment and i think its worrying my mum. Hell its worrying me. I don't like being like this, i don't like feeling like CF is beating me with a stick right into the ground.

I hate that i have to leave like 45mins extra early to walk to the station just so i can get trains on time, what am i guna be like when I've got to get trains everyday starting in September. Maybe continuing Uni from home was a bad option as well, but i wanted to move home. To be honest, right now i don't even think I'm going to pass my second year and i cant afford resits, so that forces me into quitting really.... I'm not sure how i feel about that. Sad and also not that bothered i think.

I hate this feeling of not being able to do anything, and of wanting to give up. I'm getting so fed up with having a headache from coughing all the time, or having a stomach ache from finally being able to have good food, and regularly. I know that will settle soon, but i wish it would hurry up.

I said to my mum the other day, that if God is real i think hes given me the wrong life, i think i was meant to have a nice, healthy life. Someone in this world has the life I'm meant to have, and its not fair.

Family Do

I was going to do one large blog, but thought that it would be too long, so ive split it into two parts.

I went to my Great Aunty's at the weekend with my mum as we had my other Great Aunty's 60th wedding anniversary party... i honestly don't know how she put up with my Uncle this long, but they make an amazing couple, and i think its pretty impressive they have been together this long really! Certainly a marriage to look up to that's for sure!
The party was really good as well, as me and my mum got to see some people from our family we've not seen for 4+ years! How people change so much is quite scary when you take a step back and notice really... I kept my sarcasm is check for the night though as i didn't want to offend any family members who don't really know what I'm like... However it was all still happening in my head :p

The most common thing that was said to me was "And you must be Katherine! My gosh haven't you grown! You must have been *insert hand gesture here for height measurement* this tall when i last saw you!".... i mostly just smiled, all the while thinking, well i wouldn't exactly shrink would i! that or i was tempted on one or two occasions to reply with, u were this tall when i last saw u, my haven't you shrunk!... But thought better of it. As soon as most of the people had turnt their backs, i would turn to mum and ask who they actually were haha! I knew some of them, but most of them i hadn't seen since i was well like 1 years old really, but some i remembered from the 40th wedding anniversary party when i was about 11 years old.... Man i feel old!!

The Great Aunt and Uncle whos party it was do a type of barn dancing thing and so they had their friends who they do that with there as well, and a band who can play that music.... It did look quite fun, but it would have set me off into a massive coughing fit and that in the middle of the dance floor would not be pretty at all, so i avoided it and just spoke to family members and got happily tipsy in the corner with my mum and Great Aunt who we were staying with.

I honestly could not figure out our family tree to begin with, but as the evening went on i was talking to mum about it all and trying to understand how were all related to each other, when it all suddenly clicked into place and i got it! However i said rather loudly "oh!!!! I get it now!! That makes perfect sense!!" to the entire table and everyone looked at me rather confused.... they really dont know my epiphany moments you see so it was a bit shocking for the rather quiet girl in the corner to suddenly say something loud like that haha!

I got the typical "so what are you up to these days" questions and explained countless time to different family members about Uni and such. By the end of the night i wanted to have a large white board that said my history of my life since they all last saw me just so i could stop saying the same things over and over again! Plus my cheeks were killing me from smiling all night... although the good thing is that it wasn't that typical fake smile a lot of people have for the family do, which is good! :)

Some people asked about my health, to which i mostly just responded with "yeah, yeah im fine, im okay" as i couldnt be bothered to sit there and explain to them about how things really are. Plus when most of them asked me it was annoying to see that sympathetic smile on their faces, so i just said that i was fine to save more pity. However a few of them did say that i looked well, i just wish i felt "well".... although i wonder what "well" actually feels like, i guess its a different feeling for everyone?

There was a bar there (thankgod!) and the guy serving on it, i really recognised him! Im sure he goes to the same uni as me, or ive seen him around town. Either way he was a bit cute, and i was guna ask him if he went to uni and things when it was just me at the bar buying drinks, but one of my Uncles arrived at the bar so i didnt say anything. Im going to look out for him at uni next year... but knowing my luck hes probably finished now!

Home again

I'm home again!

For now....

What a fiasco it took to get here though! I'm still in the process of moving out of my Uni house and back home. I went back to the Uni house on the 9th June, to pack all my things up. This took far more effort than i was expecting! But i managed to get all my room packed up and all I've got left is just the last few clothes (I've got to take another bag from home, to Uni house as i ran out of things to pack my clothes in.... I've got far too many jeans!) and the kitchen things that are mine. Oh and food that I've got left that's still in date. The only trouble is, is that i don't actually have any way of getting all my things from Uni house to home... I was hoping my Great Aunty's sons could help me out and get one of their flatbed trucks and drivers to take it all home for me, as I've got a bookcase as well as boxes and such, so it wont easily fit in a car. Not that I've got a car - my family are extremely helpful like that and offering to help me move home :| - But so far they haven't said whether they will help out, and I'm getting annoyed as i want my things home so i can unpack and settle back home and start on my summer plans. Plus I've got limited clothes at home which is really annoying!

When i left the Uni house and came back home on Friday night, it was getting on a bit, and I was knackered, and hungry and wound up from packing so much, and I got the bus to town, so I could get another bus to the station. I got on the first bus to town and when I was waiting for the next one, I realised I'd left all my 'meds for the weekend back at the Uni house! In my haste to leave and get home I'd totally forgotten to pick them up on the way out. So I had to go all the way back (luckily I had a day rider ticket) just so I could get these 'meds. Then I had to get another bus back to town! Luckily it was, at this point, that late that the bus I got went straight to the train station, so it cut down half my journey. But I was now even more wound up and tired, my face looked like a smacked arse and people were avoiding me left, right and center, (which was also probably due to my extravagant coughing and possible blue/purple face - I'm assuming this is what they think the plague looks like!) which helped me out just dandy, as i was in no mood for being a "people person". This i why i hate travelling alone haha!

Eventually i got to Chippenham (home) and wanted to get a taxi home. There was one taxi left, and some lady over took me going for the same taxi and got in it and left me! Bitch!! She didn't even have any luggage and saw me plain as day, going for that taxi and struggling a lot with my really heavy backpack and other bags, yet still stole my taxi! I had to ring my mum to get her to order me a taxi for a pick up from the station. One turned up and it was the taxi driver who is really nasty and rude, and he said where am i going, i told him and he said "well i have to have my tea, so can you wait for 5-10 minutes?" I basically told him i had to have my tea as well and had to get home. He just said i had to wait and he needed to have his tea and then drove off! I wish i knew his badge number or name or something then i could tell them when i order a taxi again that i don't want him 'coz hes so rude! I ended up getting another taxi as 2 pulled in just after he left and the driver was really lovely and chatty, telling me about his daughter and Grankids. He was that nice i gave him a tip and told him hes the nicest taxi driver I've had for a long time... he told me flattery will get me everywhere :p ... Its a shame i forgot to get his name as well as ill be using taxis a fair bit soon with living at home and still doing uni...

I was glad when i got home, i had a lush shower which made me feel so much more human and got rid of all the dust that was on me from packing my room up (i felt like id been in a dust mine all day!), then had a decent burger courtesy of mum, watched some telly and went to bed. Best nights sleep id had in a few days!

Only a few more trips to the Uni house left thankfully, one to pick all my things up and the other to clean it all up. Which at the moment i dont know when that will be as all my other house mates cant make the date that was set before. Plus one of my housemates and i had a little heated discussion about her way of how the house should be cleaned... im glad im not living with her anymore. She said we had to scrub the floors, twice, on our hands and knees!! TWICE!! i told her she was being ridiculous and that basically its not the queen moving in, just another bunch of students. I said if she really wants to scrub the floors she welcome to, but ill just sit and watch. She said that she needs her damage deposit back for her year afterwards, (love how she assumed we were all happy to waste our money) and didnt see the harm in a little extra effort... Extra effort yes, but not OTT effort! Im pretty sure she can just stick a mop/duster on the end of the rod she has up her arse and be done with it really!

Seriously glad im moving back home!!

Year 2 reflection and being home

So like I said I've now finished my exams, and completed year 2 (depending on any possible resits in the summer) I'm so happy its finally all over. When i first started my second year i was all prepared and had a plan in place for doing well and keeping on track, and it was for once in my life a realistic plan! But obviously not realistic enough. I was well when i created this "plan" and so wasn't accounting for how unpredictable CF really is, and how it seems to strike when things are feeling like they are going well.

I ended up getting fairly unwell and was in hospital for about a month, this completely threw me off my "plan" and i lost track totally of uni and missed a great deal, thus making my exams much harder than they should have been. However i made it threw the academic year and I'm trying to create some plans in advance as best i can for my third and what might be my third and final year...

I'm living at home next year (academic year) and so that will help me out a great deal health wise, as mum will be here to help take care of me, make sure i eat, keep on top of my physio and work, and general "have u taken your pills" arguments that ensues after a nice meal lol

I can also start up my running route again, and I'm hoping to eventually be able to get back onto my bike and ride to and from the train station and my house as ill need to get the train to uni every day, which admittedly will be knackering, but after i get into the routine i think ill be okay and as long as i get plenty of rest and keep everything up ill be okay. It should get my lung function back up there as well! Which will please my physios immensely!

I'm at home at the moment. I came home on Saturday for a car boot sale with my mum, which she bought me a photo frame and a large fluffy duck as end of exams presents :D They pleased me immensely :)

I'm supposed to be going back today to Bristol to pack my things up and I've also got a hospital appointment tomorrow and Wednesday (2 different days as two different people) and i know they want me on IVs, but i managed to get back 7% of my lung function, so i know that i can do more for myself without IVs, besides i don't have the energy just yet to deal with them as home IVs and i don't want to go into hospital now, and as I've not got any uni commitments i have more time for myself to focus on my health! I'm putting my foot down and doing more for myself, i don't feel like i need them anymore, no matter how much the Dr wont listen to me. I really don't like her! I prefer the other consultant i have but now hes moved higher up in the CF unit, he doesn't see many patients which sucks :(

I'll either go back to Bristol today or tomorrow morning. I'm leaving most of my things i bought home here as there's no point me taking them back only to have to just pack them and bring them back again...

I'm really enjoying being at home again, without a care in the world with regards to uni at the moment. I'm loving having nothing at all to do, although its hard to think what i did with my time before uni :S
I know ill get bored with nothing to do soon enough, but mum finishes work for summer hols soon so well have plenty to do as we've got some nice days out planned :)

Speaking of mum, she'll be home from work soon, and I'm still not showered or anything so better get a move on!

FREE AT LAST!!!! :D

I'm finally free from exams!!!!!

i finished my last one at 11.30am today and literally wanted to cheer when they said pens down the exams over!! But i had to wait till we were outside, exam conditions and all that blah blah...

Anyway, im going to get some sleep now as im shattered, so much so, my eyes are burning :(

THEN im going back to uni for the end of term/exams/drink the bar dry party with all my friends and it will be immense and i will be getting very drunk :D

I shall post some pictures on here when i am able to :)

Hope everyones goooood :) This is literally the best day of the year for me so far haha!

exams and stuff

Yesterday was a pretty crap day to be perfectly honest. I was revising all day for my exam i had this morning, and a lot of other things just pilled on top of me and i ended up spending most of the night crying my eyes out and once i got going i wasnt able to stop. Seriously i was like a hormonal pregnant woman who was crying coz the couple on TV finally got together or something!!

I think a lot of it was stress and tiredness. Major stress. I dont do well during exam time at all! I hate exams and always have done, i much prefer coursework! I have been that stressed the past few days that ive barely been able to eat... pretty much the most ive eaten the past few days has been coco pops and a small meal of beans on toast with Bacon (which in truth was just meant to be a bacon sandwich!) plus im worried that the 7% gain back in lung function i managed to get the other week i think it was when physio last came to see me, i think that ive lost it... but im back to sorting my nebs out properly as i did slack a little due to wanting to spend so much time revising/stressing and yelling at past exam papers that the question doesnt make sense!

I think the final straw last night before i lost it was when i realised that as i had wiped my browser history the other day to see if it would help my browser to sort its life out (its worked before lol) i managed to delete the email i had saved for this blog and i couldnt remember it when i tried to log in last night to make a post as writing i thought would help me feel better. Thats when it all got far too much and i just literally broke and sat rocking and hugging the pillow crying on the edge of my bed like a crazy person!

I woke up at 5am this morning after a restless sleep and thought, well as i cant sleep ill revise. So from 5am till 8.30am when i left for the bus to uni i was creating mind maps for revision and getting ready for uni. I actually managed to eat 2 bowls of cereal this morning, yet my stomach still decided to be the one to be really noisy during the exam. Also for some reason i could smell pancakes during my exam and had a craving arrive like half way through my 3 hour exam for a milkyway bar... so as soon as i was allowed to leave my exam i raided the student shop, and had the largest amount of food ive had in a few days! It was soooo good! :)

Once i got home from my exam, i suddenly realised in the small amount of sanity i had somehow gained overnight that i actually had my email for this blog written down!! So yay!! I am happy again... i think this blog has become a sort of security blanket, and realising i couldnt access it last night just freaked me out so much!

I think the exam went okay this morning, I feel like i did okayish on the first section and the second section we had to choose to answer 2 of the 4 questions that were on the paper. Luckily we had been given the topics to revise, and so i was able to answer one of them (i feel) quite well as i know a fair bit about that topic (XML code language if anyones interested :) ) but the other question i totally bombed on. I couldnt remember how to draw the diagram or what it all meant! I couldnt remember the benefits of it all (3 tier architecture) etc, so i totally blagged the question and im hoping the answer has sort of crept up in enough of a way that ill get some marks if not all of them!

Either way im glad its over, and ive got 2 left!! One on Thursday morning and then my last one on Friday morning! Then as soon as that last exam is over me and my friends are all going to something called Last Orders at the uni campus... Basically the student bars have to get rid of all their alcohol supplies for the summer as no one will be there and so they sell it at really reduced prices, and have acts and other things happening around campus.... Basically im going to be very hung over on Saturday morning, which bodes well for my journey home to go to a car boot sale with my mum! :D Luckily ive warned her that i will be in no way human like on saturday, and apologised in advance for in case im still slightly drunk :p Thankfully my mum is fairly easy going and i know shell just laugh at me rather than lecture me about drinking. After all the suffering the morning after is my own doing, and i dont drink every night... in fact its been a long time since i drank, so im very much looking forward to the copious amount of fun and alcohol and dancing to be had :D

Also ive decided my blog lacks far too much in pictures and ive decided to add one of my new hair colour... which was blonde and is now red, courtesy of mum dying it for me :D

Im pretty impressed that ive managed to grow it this long! I usually get impatient and have it all cut off... But apparently i look much better with long hair :)