I'm starting to think that my refusal of IVs was a stupid idea. I said to my doctor that i can do this myself, get a bit better i mean. I feel like i was way too optimistic. I'm really struggling here. Caught in a vicious circle: - I need energy to do things such as make food, but i have no energy to do that so nothing gets done about it.
My chest is full of it, i can feel it when i cough. I'm doing all my neb's and things which is helping a bit, but i feel like they are a case of they blow the clouds away for a while but they soon knit back together, if that makes sense?
I'm this close to giving up and ringing the hospital for IVs. Which makes me really sad and really angry at myself and more so at CF. Why cant it just fuck off for a change!? Actually let me be happy for a while.
I don't understand how most of the other CFers always seems so happy and calm and things like that. I can barely slap a smile on myself at the moment and i think its worrying my mum. Hell its worrying me. I don't like being like this, i don't like feeling like CF is beating me with a stick right into the ground.
I hate that i have to leave like 45mins extra early to walk to the station just so i can get trains on time, what am i guna be like when I've got to get trains everyday starting in September. Maybe continuing Uni from home was a bad option as well, but i wanted to move home. To be honest, right now i don't even think I'm going to pass my second year and i cant afford resits, so that forces me into quitting really.... I'm not sure how i feel about that. Sad and also not that bothered i think.
I hate this feeling of not being able to do anything, and of wanting to give up. I'm getting so fed up with having a headache from coughing all the time, or having a stomach ache from finally being able to have good food, and regularly. I know that will settle soon, but i wish it would hurry up.
I said to my mum the other day, that if God is real i think hes given me the wrong life, i think i was meant to have a nice, healthy life. Someone in this world has the life I'm meant to have, and its not fair.
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To be honest we're not calm and smiley all the time. There are time that I feel exactly the same as you do at the moment. I always pretend that I'm fine so people don't ask questions but inside I feel dreadful. It then bottles up and I feel even worse! You'll work through it. I promise. Have you tried talking to anyone? I've found that talking to someone neutral really helps. It was the psychologist attached to my team. I said I wasn't depressed by any means and she agreed with me but it really helped just having someone to talk things through with made me feel a lot better! Please don't stick it out from IV's too long. Bite the bullet and take them and hopefully you'll feel better quicker and the effect will be lasting!! I'm guilty of trying to do it all myself too. I hope things improve for you soon! If you want a chat my e-mail is on my profile thing I think. I'm more than happy to listen! Hugs!! :D xx
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