Changes and revision

Im taking a nice break from revision to write this posting :)

Ive not gotten as much done revision wise today as i would have hoped/wanted too, but ive been SUPER tired all day. I got up at 8 something this morning because i had to. Miraculously jumped straight in the shower, got out and was ready to go back to sleep! Managed to finish sorting myself out and by 10am i was kipping on the sofa until 11am! Not how i wanted my morning to go, but i just couldnt keep my eyes open.

Eventually i managed to get some revision done, then i started to crash again after lunch. So me and mum went into town for some fresh air and some things we needed to get. And also some things i got that didnt really need to get but still did!

Ive got a wheelchair for 6 weeks that im hiring from the Red Cross. So we took me to town in that yesterday and today. I was a bit self conscious of being in it at first, as the only other times ive been in a wheelchair is when im an inpatient and being taken to x-ray or something, even then im self conscious. I think its because of the fact that i know i have the use of my legs, and im not saying all wheelchair users i see dont have the use of their legs, i know some do, and they are using the chair for unseen reasons perhaps, like myself. But walking for me lately is just ridiculously hard and im knackered after 1/2 an hour or some days less so things like shopping trips like we used to have been out of the question and most of the time i just wouldnt go out at all as i knew the pain i would be in when i did start walking.

Another recent change is that ive been put on home oxygen for during the night. I did an oximetry testing for a few nights at home and gave the machine back at my last clinic. The physio rang the other day to discuss the wheelchair options and talked about the oximetry results as well. Apparently my sats were dropping to around 90 most nights and my heart rate was usually in the hundreds. I think i remember looking at the machine once when i woke during the night and my heart rate was around 130! So not really normal... So even tho these results are borderline apparently of something they think that overnight oxygen would be of some benefit to me. Im on 1 litre and then in 6 weeks time they want me to do another set of oximetry tests i think using the oxygen and then they will reassess if needed depending on those results.

Im not sure how i feel about it all really. I mean i knew what the results would show as the things that the physios were saying that indicates a need for oxygen i am getting, and a lot was in the morning. Countless times ive woken up with a stuffy headache and blue nails.
Im worried that this is the "beginning" of oxygen needs and that theres more to go downhill from here now. I worried that my lungs will become dependant at night for this air and then suffer during the day when its taken away in the morning... We shall see how things go. At least im not coughing so much at night now!
Its only been 2 nights that ive used it so far as it was only all delivered on friday, but my chest is already nice and loose in the mornings. I dont know for a fact if this is because of the oxygen or because my lungs want to behave for a while, but its reducing my coughing fit in the morning which is reducing the either almost throw up or actually throwing up, and that cant be a bad thing!!

Theres not really anything else to report on i dont think. Mums taking the day off work for me on tuesday so she can take me to my exam as it starts at 9.30 and it means hurrying on trains and buses to get to the uni on time. At the moment i will be taking the wheelchair to make my life easier and mean i will be less knackered during my exam, but this could change ill see how i feel.
It does amaze me however the difference in the world you see when sat in a wheelchair and how much nicer everyone suddenly becomes! It also shocks me the places some people choose to suddenly stop in the middle of the path without bothering to see whos behind them! Very annoying.

*sigh* back to revision i suppose. Hope everyone who reads this is well and happy as they can be!

Feeling a bit more optimistic!

So my last blog wasn't a very happy or calm one really!

I did as a few people suggested and just thought calmly about the situation, whey up my options, sleep on things a little. I didn't want to rush into a decision i might regret. No matter what my last post suggested. I do love Uni, and i love my course (certain things excluded about that) and i don't really want to leave Uni, unless i got really really very ill and had no choice, or some other situation occurred and i had no choice but to leave.

So i thought and slept and thought some more. I took a look at my results again with a clearer mind and didn't just see the negative side of it all. I did 6 modules and i passed 3 of them, and failed the other three, but only the exam side of them modules. So i did actually pass half my second year!

I worked out the results as well, and to pass on coursework or exams, you need to get 40% + well on one exam i got only 24, but that's only 16 marks from a pass, and most of my question were worth about 8+ points, so really that means i only messed up on two questions! Not bad for a 2 hr exam!
The other two i missed a pass by 7/8 marks, which again each question was worth 8+ marks and so that means i only messed up 1 question on each of them exams!

This made me feel a little more smarter than i had previously felt. It showed me that i was clearly on the right track somewhere along the exam paper line, just not quite there. Plus i have a feeling that i know where i fell down and lost my marks for the exams i missed a pass by 7 or 8 marks on, and so I'm hoping that i just need to really improve them weaknesses and refresh all the other things and i should be better at the exams enough for a pass! I even thought of the point that i might have lost some marks simply because they couldn't read my writing or it didn't make sense!

So i managed to put a positive spin on the negative a little, and I'm pretty happy i managed to do that, as otherwise id still be curled in a ball crying on my bed about what a failure i am, and why do i bother with anything when i always seem to fall flat on myself lol!

I think the sunshine has definitely helped lift my spirits :D Long may it continue!!

So i just need to find £150 to pay for my resits as its £50 a time if the student doesn't have extenuating circumstances accepted or submitted. Which i didn't - that's a very long story and ill tell anyone who really wants to know, as long as they are willing to accept a very long emailed explanation haha!
I think that that was what i was worried and upset about the most, that i wouldn't be able to find the money to resit and then as they are core modules that i have to pass to continue with my course, then i would have to leave Uni. As i said, something i don't want really!!

I think i can find the money. And being at home will help with the revision process again as ill be in a more relaxed place. Not somewhere i feel a lot of pressure, etc...

I actually got out the house today as well for like the first time in about a week. Ive been sitting in my garden and things, but I've not ventured past the front door threshold. I went to town this morning with my mum, insisting on completing my hunt for a nice pair of sandals that actually fit my skinny feet! The hunt was successful and i got a pair of black studded gladiator style sandals :D I managed to save £1.30 with my student card as well so it made it all the more a happy occasion! Got myself 3 more reading books for the summer as well, as I've read everything on my bookshelf. Some of them two or three times haha! They were on a 3 for 2 offer as well so saved some money there as well!

The only thing that hindered my good day today was - no not the football! - that when i was in town, and it was starting to heat up a bit more, i got suddenly really tight chested and found it very hard to breath. I had to sit down and use my inhaler and have a drink. Luckily i had one in my bag. Then due to the lack of breath - at least i think that's the reason - i ended up getting a really bad stitch in my side :( It made it hard to breath as well, so me and mum ended up having to get a taxi home instead of a nice walk. Oh well never mind, I'm all grand now! Just part of the heat i think!

Hope every one's enjoying this glorious weather :D

Whats the fucking point!

Literally i just want the floor to swallow me whole now!

This is pretty much the last straw. I new i didnt do amazingly in my exams, but to do as badly as i have?! I really dont care anymore. Uni can suck it. I fucking give up. I clearly wasnt meant to be the educated person i wanted to be.

CF interfered so much during my second year, i wasnt able to get barely anything done, let alone attend properly to flipping understand anything i was meant to be learning. I was apparently getting all the help i was entitled to, which still wasnt enough for me to get through.

I know it sounds like im blaming CF and not myself, but people who know me personally will know how much ill be blaming myself so no worries there about shifting any "blame".

I honestly dont know what to do from here. Im just so tired.

FREE AT LAST!!!! :D

I'm finally free from exams!!!!!

i finished my last one at 11.30am today and literally wanted to cheer when they said pens down the exams over!! But i had to wait till we were outside, exam conditions and all that blah blah...

Anyway, im going to get some sleep now as im shattered, so much so, my eyes are burning :(

THEN im going back to uni for the end of term/exams/drink the bar dry party with all my friends and it will be immense and i will be getting very drunk :D

I shall post some pictures on here when i am able to :)

Hope everyones goooood :) This is literally the best day of the year for me so far haha!

exams and stuff

Yesterday was a pretty crap day to be perfectly honest. I was revising all day for my exam i had this morning, and a lot of other things just pilled on top of me and i ended up spending most of the night crying my eyes out and once i got going i wasnt able to stop. Seriously i was like a hormonal pregnant woman who was crying coz the couple on TV finally got together or something!!

I think a lot of it was stress and tiredness. Major stress. I dont do well during exam time at all! I hate exams and always have done, i much prefer coursework! I have been that stressed the past few days that ive barely been able to eat... pretty much the most ive eaten the past few days has been coco pops and a small meal of beans on toast with Bacon (which in truth was just meant to be a bacon sandwich!) plus im worried that the 7% gain back in lung function i managed to get the other week i think it was when physio last came to see me, i think that ive lost it... but im back to sorting my nebs out properly as i did slack a little due to wanting to spend so much time revising/stressing and yelling at past exam papers that the question doesnt make sense!

I think the final straw last night before i lost it was when i realised that as i had wiped my browser history the other day to see if it would help my browser to sort its life out (its worked before lol) i managed to delete the email i had saved for this blog and i couldnt remember it when i tried to log in last night to make a post as writing i thought would help me feel better. Thats when it all got far too much and i just literally broke and sat rocking and hugging the pillow crying on the edge of my bed like a crazy person!

I woke up at 5am this morning after a restless sleep and thought, well as i cant sleep ill revise. So from 5am till 8.30am when i left for the bus to uni i was creating mind maps for revision and getting ready for uni. I actually managed to eat 2 bowls of cereal this morning, yet my stomach still decided to be the one to be really noisy during the exam. Also for some reason i could smell pancakes during my exam and had a craving arrive like half way through my 3 hour exam for a milkyway bar... so as soon as i was allowed to leave my exam i raided the student shop, and had the largest amount of food ive had in a few days! It was soooo good! :)

Once i got home from my exam, i suddenly realised in the small amount of sanity i had somehow gained overnight that i actually had my email for this blog written down!! So yay!! I am happy again... i think this blog has become a sort of security blanket, and realising i couldnt access it last night just freaked me out so much!

I think the exam went okay this morning, I feel like i did okayish on the first section and the second section we had to choose to answer 2 of the 4 questions that were on the paper. Luckily we had been given the topics to revise, and so i was able to answer one of them (i feel) quite well as i know a fair bit about that topic (XML code language if anyones interested :) ) but the other question i totally bombed on. I couldnt remember how to draw the diagram or what it all meant! I couldnt remember the benefits of it all (3 tier architecture) etc, so i totally blagged the question and im hoping the answer has sort of crept up in enough of a way that ill get some marks if not all of them!

Either way im glad its over, and ive got 2 left!! One on Thursday morning and then my last one on Friday morning! Then as soon as that last exam is over me and my friends are all going to something called Last Orders at the uni campus... Basically the student bars have to get rid of all their alcohol supplies for the summer as no one will be there and so they sell it at really reduced prices, and have acts and other things happening around campus.... Basically im going to be very hung over on Saturday morning, which bodes well for my journey home to go to a car boot sale with my mum! :D Luckily ive warned her that i will be in no way human like on saturday, and apologised in advance for in case im still slightly drunk :p Thankfully my mum is fairly easy going and i know shell just laugh at me rather than lecture me about drinking. After all the suffering the morning after is my own doing, and i dont drink every night... in fact its been a long time since i drank, so im very much looking forward to the copious amount of fun and alcohol and dancing to be had :D

Also ive decided my blog lacks far too much in pictures and ive decided to add one of my new hair colour... which was blonde and is now red, courtesy of mum dying it for me :D

Im pretty impressed that ive managed to grow it this long! I usually get impatient and have it all cut off... But apparently i look much better with long hair :)

Decisions...

I went to the hospital yesterday to do a gym session with my physio. I also went last week and managed to get to a fast paced walk for 20mins. And i was still able to breathe okay and hold a conversation with the physio. I went yesterday and was knackered and breathless before id barely started! I struggled to make it for 20mins but was adament i would and really pushed myself to make it that long. This time it was just a regular walking pace and i was really breathless and couldnt really hold a conversation with the physio. This sent her into a bit of a worry mode as never seen me like this before i dont think...

I was then asked if i wanted to do a lung function test. I said yes to this and was happy to do one as i was being nieve and telling myself im sure its all in my head, it wont come back as bad as im feeling. Im just tired is all. (Considering id spent the weekend at my mums and rested plenty!) So i did the lung function test and could barely do a long breath out without it sending me into a state of manic coughing (all the while aware i was going red in the face lol) my "calm down" time was a lot longer than should be. Physio went to get the doctor who basically told me in no uncertain terms i need IVs. I had already figured this one out for myself.

She sent me off for a chest xray - which i was annoyed i couldnt see as the system was down bah! - and it made it slightly better that the radiographer was very yummy :p
Then we had a chat and we talked about my results of lung function. I was 66% and ive been feeling rubbish for a while now which is why i had bought my previous appointment forward as i have exams happening atm, and this is what i wanted to avoid entirely. I was put on a colomycin neb, cipro and a salbutamol neb as id never done that before (how much does it make everyone else shake?!) all of which seem to have not done anything at all. I told the dr the cipro wouldnt do anything as it never does. I always drop after being on that! But never listens to me.
My lung function has dropped from that 66% to 48% in about a week as thats how long ive been feeling like this. That clearly is not good at all, hence the battle comencing about IV treatment. I was told that ive lost 1/5th of my lung and dropped about 18/20%. I was also told im pretty much operating as if i only have one lung. This proper freaked me out and i cant stop thinking about that.

My decision is a very tough one for me, maybe a simple one for others reading this i dont know. But ive got to make the decision to do IVs or not by tomorrow. Im reluctant to do them because of my exams happening atm. I dont want to resit them in the summer time, and with the Unis regulations (which are pathetic and dont help the student one fucking bit!) it will be a long time before i know if i can resit them, as if i dont turn up then im not entitled to a resit. How can i turn up if im in hospital!? These facts do not compute for them people!

I know i need to put my health first and i would go on IVs if not for my exams. Ive worked far far too hard - literally blood, sweat, and a lot of tears have gone into getting myself this far - and despite the amount of interuptions ive had from this stupid disease this academic year, im extremely reluctant to let it take away my POSSIBLE passing of exams!
Im missing out on a placement because i know i wont be able to handle the amount of work for it because of everything to do with health. I feel like im daily putting my life on hold for this pathetic disease and i cant control it right now. I want so madly to finish this degree so i can prove to myself and others who have constantly told me i cant do anything that i CAN do something and will make something of my life

But yet i cant make a decision to put my health first. I know i need to and i know that this should be such an easy and quick decision. If i didnt have exams or even didnt have Uni to tend with i would be currently in a hospital bed receiving my IVs... But thats not the case here and this is so hard for me to decide.

I was trying to find my program leader today but hes like trying to find a needle in a haystack really. I also tried to book an appointment to see student advisors about this and some other things and they said to come back tomorrow as they are fully booked until next week. How, if i cant see the people i need to see to help me make a decision am i meant to decide by tomorrow?!?!

I really feel like just giving up right now as whenever i try to do something, CF stands up and says "i cant let you do that, god forbid your happy and healthy!" :'(