A while ago, my "get up and go" got up and went completely. I was pretty ill for my standards for i would say a good few months and its left me with a lot of issues i didn't have to deal with before, like 38% lung function and 45kg in weight.
But the past few weeks i think its been coming back. Albeit slowly yes, but its getting there. I think the sunshine has helped, i hate Winter, it does nothing for me at all except hospitalise me or house bound me further as the cold now makes my lungs bleed a great deal and that freaks me out no matter how many times its happened! But i think that feeling is the same for most people when they cough up blood...
Ive started doing my dnase again in the mornings, I'm able to wake up and actually get up earlier which means i don't get a headache all day from being in a hot room and sleeping all morning. It also means i can have breakfast which means more calories to take in each day :)
In the evenings now as its usually quite nice me and mum go out for a walk, its not long walks across the fields, usually just around the block as that's all i can handle right now. But i want to build it up, i desperately want some strength back in my lungs! The walk does help me, i can clear a lot sometimes, other times not so much but that's okay.
I am still going to get a wheelchair, I'm waiting for the team member who deals with that sort of thing to get back to me about it, as i still cant handle long day trips out, and that's bothering me a lot more than not being able to walk to town right now, as its not fair on mum, especially when she breaks up for summer holidays (she works in a school so she gets all the holidays they do which is really nice). So well mainly be using the wheelchair for when were wanting to go further afield for shopping or a day out or something. I might use it if I'm having a particularly bad day and we still want to go to town, but otherwise i would still like to walk about town. I don't want to become reliant on it as then ill get no where with getting myself fitter.
I'm going back to the gym, i just need to book some appointments in with my trainer and i want to start doing walking on the treadmill on a slight incline, some time on the bike and i want to start doing some light weights again so i can start defining some muscle and not have stick legs come summer time :p Plus if i can develop some muscle it might add some weight on me as well, as muscle is heavier than fat! That will shut my dietician up, its my mission in life right now to prove to her i can do this weight gain on my own, i just need her to stop mentioning all the time when she sees me how thin i am, and how i need the PEG. I think if she mentions it at the next appointment i will explode at her. I still don't think that the dieticians understand one bit how hard it is for a CFer to gain weight, no matter if they eat 14 KFCs each week or something extreme like that. Just because they might specialise in CF doesn't mean they understand it for how it is for the actual patient, no matter how much the patient tries to explain it... Rant over :p
I went to town today, and for the first time in a while i didn't feel sick and need to sit down every 5mins! I was able to stand and walk around the shops, still at a snails pace which i think annoyed people who got stuck behind me but never mind!
I'm beginning to think that i have an addiction to buying PJ's. I got some Animal PJ's from Peacocks today, its a t-shirt type top with Animal on it, and the trousers to match which have images of him on there and the word Animal down one of the legs :) I also hate my neck and top of my chest getting cold and as i wear a lot of vest type tops i find myself wearing my scarf still if I'm outside and its breezy, so mum took me to the outdoor market today and i got some of them better, fashionable scarfs that everyone wears. I got two for £10, which is better as i was going to get one in New Look that would have cost me £8 so i saved some money there :) Now i cant stop wearing them! One is a black one with a pattern stitched in white and its got some feint reddy brown stitching going through it as well, and the other is white with lots of "blobs" of color all over it. Ill try and put some pics up later if i remember!
Anyway I've rambled enough now, i better get on with some revision!
Showing posts with label positiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label positiveness. Show all posts
Saturday, 30 April 2011
Thursday, 28 April 2011
I'll get by...
Its taken me a while to get to this non-stressed level, and start to feel remotely happy. For people reading this who don't understand what that sentence means to me ill briefly explain...
During Uni, stress from the course and me not getting along with it got to me a lot, and ultimately made me very ill as i don't deal well under a lot of pressure. And pressure is certainly the understatement of what i put myself under! I made myself believe that i didn't belong at Uni, because i didn't have the same level of understanding of the content as my fellow course mates did, because i didn't enjoy the lectures like they did, because i didn't understand the assignments like they did or get what i was supposed to be doing in the tutorials. Because i wasn't exactly on the same level as everyone else i pressured myself about it, and spent countless nights sat up crying from stress and feeling generally crap about myself, telling myself how useless i was and that I'm so thick its a total fluke i got into Uni.
I spent everyday waiting for a letter to come through saying "sorry we made a mistake and we didn't actually accept you after all". Even though none of this was true, i had managed to make myself think and believe fully that it was true and that i was thick as two planks of wood etc, and so it made it extremely harder for me everyday.
All of this stress as you can imagine made me very ill, and i ended up not really eating properly, i think that started the beginnings of the weight problems i have today, it landed me in hospital countless times, adding more stress as i couldn't then do my uni work and i would spend the time in hospital worrying about falling behind rather than getting anywhere near better! I had the amount of times needed for IVs increased, which led to me getting my port as my veins couldn't handle it anymore, now they want me to have a PEG still and I'm fighting that with all i have in me.
Although Ive said it before that i regret going to Uni and living away from home, i don't really. Yes Ive screwed my health up a lot and I'm paying the price for that now, but I'm starting to pull my finger out as of yesterday. Its time for me to stop hiding under the duvet and thinking things will sort themselves out, as they wont and ill end up getting worse and worse. That's now what i or anyone wants really!
Then how am i supposed to live the life i keep saying i want...
I started to sort myself out yesterday by walking up the shop with mum. I spent way too much on sweets but never mind! I got home and was quite tired from such a simple walk but i was proud i did it! My aim is to get walking to town again, even if I'm too tired to walk home i need a taxi home for now, i don't mind as i can build things up.
I take my pills everyday now, and I'm managing 3 meals a day with snacks in between, and this morning even managed to do 2 Neb's which is a massive improvement on previous days/weeks/months ha ha! So I'm off to a good start. Mums helping me a lot with the food side of things, coming up with new ways to cook things for me to make them more fattening and things like that!
I actually managed to hang the washing out for mum yesterday, and I'm planning to try and hoover today. These things are not simple for me to do though, the washing yesterday took me nearly half and hour, i think by the time id pegged up the last item the first item was dry ha ha! But it was the effort that counted for me :)
Im starting to get some motivation back now, and im making the most of it!!
During Uni, stress from the course and me not getting along with it got to me a lot, and ultimately made me very ill as i don't deal well under a lot of pressure. And pressure is certainly the understatement of what i put myself under! I made myself believe that i didn't belong at Uni, because i didn't have the same level of understanding of the content as my fellow course mates did, because i didn't enjoy the lectures like they did, because i didn't understand the assignments like they did or get what i was supposed to be doing in the tutorials. Because i wasn't exactly on the same level as everyone else i pressured myself about it, and spent countless nights sat up crying from stress and feeling generally crap about myself, telling myself how useless i was and that I'm so thick its a total fluke i got into Uni.
I spent everyday waiting for a letter to come through saying "sorry we made a mistake and we didn't actually accept you after all". Even though none of this was true, i had managed to make myself think and believe fully that it was true and that i was thick as two planks of wood etc, and so it made it extremely harder for me everyday.
All of this stress as you can imagine made me very ill, and i ended up not really eating properly, i think that started the beginnings of the weight problems i have today, it landed me in hospital countless times, adding more stress as i couldn't then do my uni work and i would spend the time in hospital worrying about falling behind rather than getting anywhere near better! I had the amount of times needed for IVs increased, which led to me getting my port as my veins couldn't handle it anymore, now they want me to have a PEG still and I'm fighting that with all i have in me.
Although Ive said it before that i regret going to Uni and living away from home, i don't really. Yes Ive screwed my health up a lot and I'm paying the price for that now, but I'm starting to pull my finger out as of yesterday. Its time for me to stop hiding under the duvet and thinking things will sort themselves out, as they wont and ill end up getting worse and worse. That's now what i or anyone wants really!
Then how am i supposed to live the life i keep saying i want...
I started to sort myself out yesterday by walking up the shop with mum. I spent way too much on sweets but never mind! I got home and was quite tired from such a simple walk but i was proud i did it! My aim is to get walking to town again, even if I'm too tired to walk home i need a taxi home for now, i don't mind as i can build things up.
I take my pills everyday now, and I'm managing 3 meals a day with snacks in between, and this morning even managed to do 2 Neb's which is a massive improvement on previous days/weeks/months ha ha! So I'm off to a good start. Mums helping me a lot with the food side of things, coming up with new ways to cook things for me to make them more fattening and things like that!
I actually managed to hang the washing out for mum yesterday, and I'm planning to try and hoover today. These things are not simple for me to do though, the washing yesterday took me nearly half and hour, i think by the time id pegged up the last item the first item was dry ha ha! But it was the effort that counted for me :)
Im starting to get some motivation back now, and im making the most of it!!
Friday, 13 August 2010
Exams and Uni
I'm so tired today! I was up late last night watching the shooting stars with mum in the garden, i made sure i was wrapped up, i had a hoodie and a coat on and then was led on the sun lounger mums got and she wrapped me in a blanket, and i had my hood up :) I was so nice and warm! I saw about 5 or 6 shooting stars and then 'coz i was so warm i started to fall asleep haha! So i ended up going in and going to bed, which i think meant i missed the best part of the "show". Which is a shame but the few i did see, was worth it.
I'm trying to revise today, but its proving rather difficult due to being so tired today! Mum let me have an extra half hour this morning, which usually does the trick, but doesn't seem to have today :( My first exam is Monday morning, and i don't know how I'm going to manage it. I have to get up at 5ish in the morning to be able to get the train at 6.40am! I have to get up this early 'coz I'm not living in Bristol any more, so cant just hop on a bus half hr before the exam begins :|
I have to b there for 9.15am, the exam starts at 9.30am, but they start calling the rooms to be filled about 9.15am and its easier to beat the rush.
My other two exams are the 18th and 20th of August, with hospital after the last exam on the 20th. Which i think is a morning exam, so I'm going to be absolutely shattered for my lung function and things :( Not looking forward to it all really.
I'm being a bit of a defeatist about these exams. I'm trying not to be, I'm trying to keep positive and think all the right thoughts, but it doesn't always work really. I honestly wish i didn't have to resit these stupid exams, and at £50 a time, so I've had to fork out £150 of money i didn't really have to fork over like that. But needs must i guess.
I always knew that fulfilling my dream of Uni wasn't ever going to be easy, as i knew Uni is a lot of hard work. But i never once considered in the years of lead up to Uni that my health would have such an impact and be so interfering! Every time i have a tone of coursework due in, or my exams happening, no matter how compliant i am, my health just bombs on me and i end up in the worst condition ever! Then i have the stress of trying to work through that as well as work through Uni. Which makes me ten times worse 'coz I'm stressing too much about one rather than the other or even.
Ive thought so much these Summer Hols about weather i really want to continue with this Uni malarkey or not, and a large part of me still does, just so i can prove to myself mainly that i can do something and I'm not the thick shit i constantly think i am. It would also be nice to turn around and tell all the them people who never said id make it due to health or due to poor grades, to suck it and tell them where they can stick their lack of support! And i know how proud it would make my mum and i think in a small way my CF team as they've seen as well how much pressure i put on myself and how many interruptions I've had during the most important and not so important times of Uni years.
So i do want to continue and graduate etc. Its just the getting to that graduation day that is proving the hardest part!
I'm going to stick my foot down this year and make sure i get a bit more help, and make sure that i get exten circs when i need them, weather I'm on IVs or not, or in hospital or not, if I've got a flare up and it boosts my daily care then I'm applying for them circumstances. The worst they can do is say no, but i think i can provide a good case for them to not say no.
I think that with 2 certain people from my course - 1 of them more than the other - being out on their placement year, then ill feel a lot more confidant in lectures and tutorials as i wont be sat there worrying that they get it all the first time around and i don't, and then getting myself into a right flap and breaking down all the time. Without them providing the flow of competition (that one more than the other again, they compete at pretty much everything in life, I'm pretty sure they would compete about who has the worst cold when they are around someone else with one!) ill be able to feel better about my work, and about the lack of understanding. Perhaps the clouds will clear now that they wont be there...
I'm trying to revise today, but its proving rather difficult due to being so tired today! Mum let me have an extra half hour this morning, which usually does the trick, but doesn't seem to have today :( My first exam is Monday morning, and i don't know how I'm going to manage it. I have to get up at 5ish in the morning to be able to get the train at 6.40am! I have to get up this early 'coz I'm not living in Bristol any more, so cant just hop on a bus half hr before the exam begins :|
I have to b there for 9.15am, the exam starts at 9.30am, but they start calling the rooms to be filled about 9.15am and its easier to beat the rush.
My other two exams are the 18th and 20th of August, with hospital after the last exam on the 20th. Which i think is a morning exam, so I'm going to be absolutely shattered for my lung function and things :( Not looking forward to it all really.
I'm being a bit of a defeatist about these exams. I'm trying not to be, I'm trying to keep positive and think all the right thoughts, but it doesn't always work really. I honestly wish i didn't have to resit these stupid exams, and at £50 a time, so I've had to fork out £150 of money i didn't really have to fork over like that. But needs must i guess.
I always knew that fulfilling my dream of Uni wasn't ever going to be easy, as i knew Uni is a lot of hard work. But i never once considered in the years of lead up to Uni that my health would have such an impact and be so interfering! Every time i have a tone of coursework due in, or my exams happening, no matter how compliant i am, my health just bombs on me and i end up in the worst condition ever! Then i have the stress of trying to work through that as well as work through Uni. Which makes me ten times worse 'coz I'm stressing too much about one rather than the other or even.
Ive thought so much these Summer Hols about weather i really want to continue with this Uni malarkey or not, and a large part of me still does, just so i can prove to myself mainly that i can do something and I'm not the thick shit i constantly think i am. It would also be nice to turn around and tell all the them people who never said id make it due to health or due to poor grades, to suck it and tell them where they can stick their lack of support! And i know how proud it would make my mum and i think in a small way my CF team as they've seen as well how much pressure i put on myself and how many interruptions I've had during the most important and not so important times of Uni years.
So i do want to continue and graduate etc. Its just the getting to that graduation day that is proving the hardest part!
I'm going to stick my foot down this year and make sure i get a bit more help, and make sure that i get exten circs when i need them, weather I'm on IVs or not, or in hospital or not, if I've got a flare up and it boosts my daily care then I'm applying for them circumstances. The worst they can do is say no, but i think i can provide a good case for them to not say no.
I think that with 2 certain people from my course - 1 of them more than the other - being out on their placement year, then ill feel a lot more confidant in lectures and tutorials as i wont be sat there worrying that they get it all the first time around and i don't, and then getting myself into a right flap and breaking down all the time. Without them providing the flow of competition (that one more than the other again, they compete at pretty much everything in life, I'm pretty sure they would compete about who has the worst cold when they are around someone else with one!) ill be able to feel better about my work, and about the lack of understanding. Perhaps the clouds will clear now that they wont be there...
Sunday, 27 June 2010
Feeling a bit more optimistic!
So my last blog wasn't a very happy or calm one really!
I did as a few people suggested and just thought calmly about the situation, whey up my options, sleep on things a little. I didn't want to rush into a decision i might regret. No matter what my last post suggested. I do love Uni, and i love my course (certain things excluded about that) and i don't really want to leave Uni, unless i got really really very ill and had no choice, or some other situation occurred and i had no choice but to leave.
So i thought and slept and thought some more. I took a look at my results again with a clearer mind and didn't just see the negative side of it all. I did 6 modules and i passed 3 of them, and failed the other three, but only the exam side of them modules. So i did actually pass half my second year!
I worked out the results as well, and to pass on coursework or exams, you need to get 40% + well on one exam i got only 24, but that's only 16 marks from a pass, and most of my question were worth about 8+ points, so really that means i only messed up on two questions! Not bad for a 2 hr exam!
The other two i missed a pass by 7/8 marks, which again each question was worth 8+ marks and so that means i only messed up 1 question on each of them exams!
This made me feel a little more smarter than i had previously felt. It showed me that i was clearly on the right track somewhere along the exam paper line, just not quite there. Plus i have a feeling that i know where i fell down and lost my marks for the exams i missed a pass by 7 or 8 marks on, and so I'm hoping that i just need to really improve them weaknesses and refresh all the other things and i should be better at the exams enough for a pass! I even thought of the point that i might have lost some marks simply because they couldn't read my writing or it didn't make sense!
So i managed to put a positive spin on the negative a little, and I'm pretty happy i managed to do that, as otherwise id still be curled in a ball crying on my bed about what a failure i am, and why do i bother with anything when i always seem to fall flat on myself lol!
I think the sunshine has definitely helped lift my spirits :D Long may it continue!!
So i just need to find £150 to pay for my resits as its £50 a time if the student doesn't have extenuating circumstances accepted or submitted. Which i didn't - that's a very long story and ill tell anyone who really wants to know, as long as they are willing to accept a very long emailed explanation haha!
I think that that was what i was worried and upset about the most, that i wouldn't be able to find the money to resit and then as they are core modules that i have to pass to continue with my course, then i would have to leave Uni. As i said, something i don't want really!!
I think i can find the money. And being at home will help with the revision process again as ill be in a more relaxed place. Not somewhere i feel a lot of pressure, etc...
I actually got out the house today as well for like the first time in about a week. Ive been sitting in my garden and things, but I've not ventured past the front door threshold. I went to town this morning with my mum, insisting on completing my hunt for a nice pair of sandals that actually fit my skinny feet! The hunt was successful and i got a pair of black studded gladiator style sandals :D I managed to save £1.30 with my student card as well so it made it all the more a happy occasion! Got myself 3 more reading books for the summer as well, as I've read everything on my bookshelf. Some of them two or three times haha! They were on a 3 for 2 offer as well so saved some money there as well!
The only thing that hindered my good day today was - no not the football! - that when i was in town, and it was starting to heat up a bit more, i got suddenly really tight chested and found it very hard to breath. I had to sit down and use my inhaler and have a drink. Luckily i had one in my bag. Then due to the lack of breath - at least i think that's the reason - i ended up getting a really bad stitch in my side :( It made it hard to breath as well, so me and mum ended up having to get a taxi home instead of a nice walk. Oh well never mind, I'm all grand now! Just part of the heat i think!
Hope every one's enjoying this glorious weather :D
I did as a few people suggested and just thought calmly about the situation, whey up my options, sleep on things a little. I didn't want to rush into a decision i might regret. No matter what my last post suggested. I do love Uni, and i love my course (certain things excluded about that) and i don't really want to leave Uni, unless i got really really very ill and had no choice, or some other situation occurred and i had no choice but to leave.
So i thought and slept and thought some more. I took a look at my results again with a clearer mind and didn't just see the negative side of it all. I did 6 modules and i passed 3 of them, and failed the other three, but only the exam side of them modules. So i did actually pass half my second year!
I worked out the results as well, and to pass on coursework or exams, you need to get 40% + well on one exam i got only 24, but that's only 16 marks from a pass, and most of my question were worth about 8+ points, so really that means i only messed up on two questions! Not bad for a 2 hr exam!
The other two i missed a pass by 7/8 marks, which again each question was worth 8+ marks and so that means i only messed up 1 question on each of them exams!
This made me feel a little more smarter than i had previously felt. It showed me that i was clearly on the right track somewhere along the exam paper line, just not quite there. Plus i have a feeling that i know where i fell down and lost my marks for the exams i missed a pass by 7 or 8 marks on, and so I'm hoping that i just need to really improve them weaknesses and refresh all the other things and i should be better at the exams enough for a pass! I even thought of the point that i might have lost some marks simply because they couldn't read my writing or it didn't make sense!
So i managed to put a positive spin on the negative a little, and I'm pretty happy i managed to do that, as otherwise id still be curled in a ball crying on my bed about what a failure i am, and why do i bother with anything when i always seem to fall flat on myself lol!
I think the sunshine has definitely helped lift my spirits :D Long may it continue!!
So i just need to find £150 to pay for my resits as its £50 a time if the student doesn't have extenuating circumstances accepted or submitted. Which i didn't - that's a very long story and ill tell anyone who really wants to know, as long as they are willing to accept a very long emailed explanation haha!
I think that that was what i was worried and upset about the most, that i wouldn't be able to find the money to resit and then as they are core modules that i have to pass to continue with my course, then i would have to leave Uni. As i said, something i don't want really!!
I think i can find the money. And being at home will help with the revision process again as ill be in a more relaxed place. Not somewhere i feel a lot of pressure, etc...
I actually got out the house today as well for like the first time in about a week. Ive been sitting in my garden and things, but I've not ventured past the front door threshold. I went to town this morning with my mum, insisting on completing my hunt for a nice pair of sandals that actually fit my skinny feet! The hunt was successful and i got a pair of black studded gladiator style sandals :D I managed to save £1.30 with my student card as well so it made it all the more a happy occasion! Got myself 3 more reading books for the summer as well, as I've read everything on my bookshelf. Some of them two or three times haha! They were on a 3 for 2 offer as well so saved some money there as well!
The only thing that hindered my good day today was - no not the football! - that when i was in town, and it was starting to heat up a bit more, i got suddenly really tight chested and found it very hard to breath. I had to sit down and use my inhaler and have a drink. Luckily i had one in my bag. Then due to the lack of breath - at least i think that's the reason - i ended up getting a really bad stitch in my side :( It made it hard to breath as well, so me and mum ended up having to get a taxi home instead of a nice walk. Oh well never mind, I'm all grand now! Just part of the heat i think!
Hope every one's enjoying this glorious weather :D
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