Exams and Uni

I'm so tired today! I was up late last night watching the shooting stars with mum in the garden, i made sure i was wrapped up, i had a hoodie and a coat on and then was led on the sun lounger mums got and she wrapped me in a blanket, and i had my hood up :) I was so nice and warm! I saw about 5 or 6 shooting stars and then 'coz i was so warm i started to fall asleep haha! So i ended up going in and going to bed, which i think meant i missed the best part of the "show". Which is a shame but the few i did see, was worth it.

I'm trying to revise today, but its proving rather difficult due to being so tired today! Mum let me have an extra half hour this morning, which usually does the trick, but doesn't seem to have today :( My first exam is Monday morning, and i don't know how I'm going to manage it. I have to get up at 5ish in the morning to be able to get the train at 6.40am! I have to get up this early 'coz I'm not living in Bristol any more, so cant just hop on a bus half hr before the exam begins :|
I have to b there for 9.15am, the exam starts at 9.30am, but they start calling the rooms to be filled about 9.15am and its easier to beat the rush.

My other two exams are the 18th and 20th of August, with hospital after the last exam on the 20th. Which i think is a morning exam, so I'm going to be absolutely shattered for my lung function and things :( Not looking forward to it all really.
I'm being a bit of a defeatist about these exams. I'm trying not to be, I'm trying to keep positive and think all the right thoughts, but it doesn't always work really. I honestly wish i didn't have to resit these stupid exams, and at £50 a time, so I've had to fork out £150 of money i didn't really have to fork over like that. But needs must i guess.

I always knew that fulfilling my dream of Uni wasn't ever going to be easy, as i knew Uni is a lot of hard work. But i never once considered in the years of lead up to Uni that my health would have such an impact and be so interfering! Every time i have a tone of coursework due in, or my exams happening, no matter how compliant i am, my health just bombs on me and i end up in the worst condition ever! Then i have the stress of trying to work through that as well as work through Uni. Which makes me ten times worse 'coz I'm stressing too much about one rather than the other or even.

Ive thought so much these Summer Hols about weather i really want to continue with this Uni malarkey or not, and a large part of me still does, just so i can prove to myself mainly that i can do something and I'm not the thick shit i constantly think i am. It would also be nice to turn around and tell all the them people who never said id make it due to health or due to poor grades, to suck it and tell them where they can stick their lack of support! And i know how proud it would make my mum and i think in a small way my CF team as they've seen as well how much pressure i put on myself and how many interruptions I've had during the most important and not so important times of Uni years.
So i do want to continue and graduate etc. Its just the getting to that graduation day that is proving the hardest part!
I'm going to stick my foot down this year and make sure i get a bit more help, and make sure that i get exten circs when i need them, weather I'm on IVs or not, or in hospital or not, if I've got a flare up and it boosts my daily care then I'm applying for them circumstances. The worst they can do is say no, but i think i can provide a good case for them to not say no.

I think that with 2 certain people from my course - 1 of them more than the other - being out on their placement year, then ill feel a lot more confidant in lectures and tutorials as i wont be sat there worrying that they get it all the first time around and i don't, and then getting myself into a right flap and breaking down all the time. Without them providing the flow of competition (that one more than the other again, they compete at pretty much everything in life, I'm pretty sure they would compete about who has the worst cold when they are around someone else with one!) ill be able to feel better about my work, and about the lack of understanding. Perhaps the clouds will clear now that they wont be there...