Ever feel like.....

You've been given the wrong life?

Like when everyone was queuing up for their life pill full of happiness, futures, and general lifey goodness or whatever, the conveyor belt got switched and you got sent down the wrong section and no one noticed. Not a single soul.

CF is actually a really lonely disease to have in my opinion. For me it really brings out that old saying, of being surrounded by people yet being so alone. I know some people reading this wont like that I've said that, but i try to be as open with the sometimes brutal truth as i can be on my blog...

I'm currently sat on my bed that I'm meant to be sleeping in right now surrounded by equipment i wish was totally foreign to me. But unfortunately nebulisers, inhalers, acapellas, and the like are totally normal for me, and i feel like its not meant to be. I feel like lately that maybe i was meant to have this life, but without the CF perhaps...

I wished for the thing closest to my heart (meaning the thing closest to my heart after my friends and family) when i saw the shooting stars the other night. I don't know if it will come true in my life time, but if when ever its granted it helps someone else, ill be happy and ill be grateful.

Have you ever looked at an old photo of yourself and not even recognised it as you? I did that the other day, i looked at the picture of me and a friend on the last day of seniors, the picture is in a frame and its been up in my room in plain sight for ages now. But i think i remembered it was there the other day 'coz i knocked it over. It was weird, pictures to me should be like looking into a mirror in a way, as its certainly you in the picture, you have the memory of it being taken, and you can remember what was happening around you when it was taken, but you cant remember looking like that.... I don't mean the bad hair doo's we've had and the terrible clothes we've worn in the past, at the time thinking we look oh so cool and fashionable, i mean it didn't look like me facial wise. I look healthy! i look happy (perhaps that had something to do with finally leaving that school after so many long gruelling years) and i look ready to take on the world that lays ahead of me whatever that may be. Now i look in the mirror and i feel like I've sunk within myself. I look really skinny and pale, and my freckles aren't so prevalent :( I don't look very well, and i don't look very happy. I don't have that spark that's in my eye that i do in the picture.
I want to be able to go back in time and warn this other me about what lies ahead and that i need to sort out myself now, as theres some tough times ahead and they wont be easy nor will they get easier, no matter if its the "norm" to have tubes and needles stuck in you, and toxic drugs swirling around your body something like 3, 4, maybe more times a year. I want to be able to prepare that me for what lays ahead, to make sure that i don't falter as much.

I want to tell that person to stay healthy and don't sink, and not to loose that spark in the eyes.

Its lucky one thing hasn't changed and that's the happiness. I mean i have crap days, so does everyone, and despite what this blog may suggest, i am happy. I just think sometimes i would be a lot happier minus the CF...

Or would I??