Over due for some luck...

This year has been pretty crap health wise. Ive been sick a lot more than I like. I think I've spent more time in hospital - either in clinic or as an inpatient - than I have any where else. Ive cried a lot this year, and been pretty unhappy as well.

I kept telling myself that once the summer hols arrived it would all be okay, that I could spend time with mum and get myself back on my feet and start getting better properly without living with certain people and in such a dirty house. I kept telling myself that once id moved back home things would be good again.

I wasn't completely right in thinking all that.

Things are a lot better moods wise, I'm not unhappy as often as i was. At the start of the hols i was 'coz i was so bored and lonely i slipped into my "whats the point with anything at all" mood. Which i often find very easy to get into and extremely hard to get out of. Its like trying to swim in quick sand.

My health i felt started to improve a little bit, and i felt like i was beginning to get back on track, then i don't know what happened but i got ill again and succumbed to IVs which i did for 2 weeks at home. They helped pick my energy up immensely and started to help my appetite and a few other things as well. Things were on the up, i kept having to go back to the hospital pretty much every 2 weeks which was really annoying and quite expensive in the long run. I honestly don't think the hospital understand how expensive it is, especially when you have such little money in the first place!

Then i started to throw up again in the mornings from coughing so much, and then the joint pain began. It got really bad again this time and so i did what my Dr had told me in the past to just rest and take regular ibuprofen and paracetamol. But this didn't help me much at all. I went to the hospital for a clinic appointment and explained about it all, and they said i should have rung them. I told them i didn't think there was any point as the previous Dr i had (shes now left) told me it was just stress causing it and what actions i should take. The news of this hadn't seemed to have been passed on, and i felt really guilty for not having rung them in my time of need.
I saw my fave Dr that clinic and i explained what the previous Dr had said about my joints that stress causes it and such and he didn't look impressed at all. He explained that stress isn't whats causing it and that its very common in CF patients! I don't think my previous Dr had a clue what she was talking about half the time as i found out the day she left the clinic that shes actually a radiologist!! I felt really angry, why was a radiologist giving patient care to a CF patient!! I felt like everything she had told me had been a misdiagnosis, especially as my fave Dr confirmed its not stress that causes my severe joint pain.
My lung function is at its all time lowest - 42% - I'm really not happy with this number, but the Dr actually believes in me that i can bring myself back up on my own without the need for IVs :) I'm back again on the 20th after my last resit exam - eep! - for another check up and then were going from there depending what my numbers are. Which is fair i think. At least hes not like the previous Dr and doesn't jump on the IV bandwagon straight away without believing in the patient.

I'm a bit angry today. I'm getting worried about my ever looming resits, which are on the 16th, 18th and 20th. I'm worried i wont pass them and then i don't know what will happen, i cant afford to sit them again a second time as its cost me £150 to resit these 3 coming up! £50 for each resit is hefty when you have more than one to do!
I'm angry today 'coz my money i had saved specifically for some nice days out for me and my mum this summer seems to have gone on nothing! I have had to fork out for a lot of train fare to get to and from my mountain of hospital appointments, and 'coz I'm living back in Chippenham now and not Bristol I'm not entitled to have the nurses and physios come out to visit me at home, as I'm out the distance apparently. That's really bad to me, and makes me so angry, but theres not a lot i can do about it really.

I'm also angry as everyone seems to have such an easy time lately compared to me and my mum. Were being put through the ringer it feels. I really wish i could treat her to a lovely holiday, she deserves it far more than some people i know who are constantly jetting off to places - and then complaining they have no money! - It really annoys me that she works so dam hard for everything she wants and needs and then doesn't get anything except a kick in the teeth in return. Its people like my mum who needs the extra help and funding for things rather than all the people who are in high paying jobs and still somehow getting all the benefits and help under the sun! And then those people STILL complain they have no money or they cant take their holiday via a first class jet plane this year or take that cruise on the Caribbean! Come to me when you have something worth complaining about, like lung disease, poverty, or an actual genuine lack of money even though your doing everything you possibly can and trying more to get the money in and not succeeding. Then complain freely to me.

I hope things start to improve soon - health and general life. Were way over due for some decent good luck!