Its taken me a while to get to this non-stressed level, and start to feel remotely happy. For people reading this who don't understand what that sentence means to me ill briefly explain...
During Uni, stress from the course and me not getting along with it got to me a lot, and ultimately made me very ill as i don't deal well under a lot of pressure. And pressure is certainly the understatement of what i put myself under! I made myself believe that i didn't belong at Uni, because i didn't have the same level of understanding of the content as my fellow course mates did, because i didn't enjoy the lectures like they did, because i didn't understand the assignments like they did or get what i was supposed to be doing in the tutorials. Because i wasn't exactly on the same level as everyone else i pressured myself about it, and spent countless nights sat up crying from stress and feeling generally crap about myself, telling myself how useless i was and that I'm so thick its a total fluke i got into Uni.
I spent everyday waiting for a letter to come through saying "sorry we made a mistake and we didn't actually accept you after all". Even though none of this was true, i had managed to make myself think and believe fully that it was true and that i was thick as two planks of wood etc, and so it made it extremely harder for me everyday.
All of this stress as you can imagine made me very ill, and i ended up not really eating properly, i think that started the beginnings of the weight problems i have today, it landed me in hospital countless times, adding more stress as i couldn't then do my uni work and i would spend the time in hospital worrying about falling behind rather than getting anywhere near better! I had the amount of times needed for IVs increased, which led to me getting my port as my veins couldn't handle it anymore, now they want me to have a PEG still and I'm fighting that with all i have in me.
Although Ive said it before that i regret going to Uni and living away from home, i don't really. Yes Ive screwed my health up a lot and I'm paying the price for that now, but I'm starting to pull my finger out as of yesterday. Its time for me to stop hiding under the duvet and thinking things will sort themselves out, as they wont and ill end up getting worse and worse. That's now what i or anyone wants really!
Then how am i supposed to live the life i keep saying i want...
I started to sort myself out yesterday by walking up the shop with mum. I spent way too much on sweets but never mind! I got home and was quite tired from such a simple walk but i was proud i did it! My aim is to get walking to town again, even if I'm too tired to walk home i need a taxi home for now, i don't mind as i can build things up.
I take my pills everyday now, and I'm managing 3 meals a day with snacks in between, and this morning even managed to do 2 Neb's which is a massive improvement on previous days/weeks/months ha ha! So I'm off to a good start. Mums helping me a lot with the food side of things, coming up with new ways to cook things for me to make them more fattening and things like that!
I actually managed to hang the washing out for mum yesterday, and I'm planning to try and hoover today. These things are not simple for me to do though, the washing yesterday took me nearly half and hour, i think by the time id pegged up the last item the first item was dry ha ha! But it was the effort that counted for me :)
Im starting to get some motivation back now, and im making the most of it!!
Showing posts with label University. Show all posts
Showing posts with label University. Show all posts
Thursday, 28 April 2011
Wednesday, 1 December 2010
Feeling pretty rubbish :(
Im feeling so rubbish these past few weeks. I was doing really well months ago, then i got a cold and since then everything has just been pretty crap. And now ive got another cold. Perfect.
Its not as bad as the last one, but its still knocking me for six. Im still doing the gym, im really pushing myself there coz i want all this junk off my chest so i can breath a bit better again! I am doing well at the gym, ive done a bit of everything on my training plan now, a lot of cardio and some weights as well. Which granted im lifting the weight of a feather but that doesnt bother me really as i knew i was pretty weak, plus from all the joint pain i get, ive got lasting effects of it and my wrists are quite weak :| Ah the joys of CF! But its helping me to cough up loads of this crap on my chest, which is good, but its quite bad theres so much down there! :( I feel a round of IV's coming on.
Im so knackered! Im doing gym, and coursework and the occaisional day at Uni, which im usually pretty shattered for by the time i get there as i have to get up quite early, get a train, and then wait in the freezing cold until the bus decides to turn up. So im quite shocked i manage to just about stay awake in the lectures i do manage to get to! Granted gym, coursework and Uni doesnt sound like much to be doing, but when thats all im doing day in day out, it gets tedious and knackering after a while. Especially when you cant switch off at night to sleep properly :(
Coursework at the moment is a total joke. Ive got my digital media project going on which is basically my dissertation, then ive got a consultany project with a real client outside of the Uni with a group of other people. Another assignment that i have to have done for the 9th and ive got NO idea what the hell im doing for it, and another one due in on the 16th which is a series of mini projects ive been doing since like October or something. But the specifications we get for these assignments are made over techinical when theres absolutely no need for that, and then the tutors get all grumpy when so many students ask questions about everything! If they actually put things we needed to know in the spec we wouldnt have to clearly bother them with our queries.
Tomorrow im supposed to be handing in a 3000 word research report and also doing a presentation showing off a prototype of my media project so far. This im not looking forward to, and at this rate im not going to be able to do the presentation, 'coz ive got really bad chest pains and it hurts to breathe, move, cough, sneeze, hiccup, you name it and im practically crying with the pain at some points! It started at the weekend and then went away on tuesday so i was able to do the gym, and today its come back with vengance :( Not happy.
At least ive got hospital on friday, which is good and bad. Last time i went my lung function was down to 45% because of that annoying cold i had gotten last time. Then i think i had gotten some lung function back but now ive got another stupid cold my chest sounds like a car engine that wont start.Whether that has killed my lung function i thought i had gained i dont know, guess well find out on friday! Hopefully i will have gained weight tho, ive been eating mum out of house and home haha! I have noticed my energy has picked up a little bit, which usually only happens with weight gain for me more than a gain in lung function. Though i still dont want to get out of bed in the mornings, but thats only more because its freezing!! haha!
On a more happy note, ive had my hair cut :) It was getting really long which is what i wanted but it was getting unmanagable to wash it and comb it and general care of my hair. So i had it cut to just below my shoulders and styled a bit as well. I'll put a picture up soon, as well as a pic of my new tatt :D I had it done weeks ago, but its not long finished healing so it looks better for a picture now. I always find the smaller tattoos take longer to heal than the large ones ive had done. Weird.
Right better get on with this coursework :|
Its not as bad as the last one, but its still knocking me for six. Im still doing the gym, im really pushing myself there coz i want all this junk off my chest so i can breath a bit better again! I am doing well at the gym, ive done a bit of everything on my training plan now, a lot of cardio and some weights as well. Which granted im lifting the weight of a feather but that doesnt bother me really as i knew i was pretty weak, plus from all the joint pain i get, ive got lasting effects of it and my wrists are quite weak :| Ah the joys of CF! But its helping me to cough up loads of this crap on my chest, which is good, but its quite bad theres so much down there! :( I feel a round of IV's coming on.
Im so knackered! Im doing gym, and coursework and the occaisional day at Uni, which im usually pretty shattered for by the time i get there as i have to get up quite early, get a train, and then wait in the freezing cold until the bus decides to turn up. So im quite shocked i manage to just about stay awake in the lectures i do manage to get to! Granted gym, coursework and Uni doesnt sound like much to be doing, but when thats all im doing day in day out, it gets tedious and knackering after a while. Especially when you cant switch off at night to sleep properly :(
Coursework at the moment is a total joke. Ive got my digital media project going on which is basically my dissertation, then ive got a consultany project with a real client outside of the Uni with a group of other people. Another assignment that i have to have done for the 9th and ive got NO idea what the hell im doing for it, and another one due in on the 16th which is a series of mini projects ive been doing since like October or something. But the specifications we get for these assignments are made over techinical when theres absolutely no need for that, and then the tutors get all grumpy when so many students ask questions about everything! If they actually put things we needed to know in the spec we wouldnt have to clearly bother them with our queries.
Tomorrow im supposed to be handing in a 3000 word research report and also doing a presentation showing off a prototype of my media project so far. This im not looking forward to, and at this rate im not going to be able to do the presentation, 'coz ive got really bad chest pains and it hurts to breathe, move, cough, sneeze, hiccup, you name it and im practically crying with the pain at some points! It started at the weekend and then went away on tuesday so i was able to do the gym, and today its come back with vengance :( Not happy.
At least ive got hospital on friday, which is good and bad. Last time i went my lung function was down to 45% because of that annoying cold i had gotten last time. Then i think i had gotten some lung function back but now ive got another stupid cold my chest sounds like a car engine that wont start.Whether that has killed my lung function i thought i had gained i dont know, guess well find out on friday! Hopefully i will have gained weight tho, ive been eating mum out of house and home haha! I have noticed my energy has picked up a little bit, which usually only happens with weight gain for me more than a gain in lung function. Though i still dont want to get out of bed in the mornings, but thats only more because its freezing!! haha!
On a more happy note, ive had my hair cut :) It was getting really long which is what i wanted but it was getting unmanagable to wash it and comb it and general care of my hair. So i had it cut to just below my shoulders and styled a bit as well. I'll put a picture up soon, as well as a pic of my new tatt :D I had it done weeks ago, but its not long finished healing so it looks better for a picture now. I always find the smaller tattoos take longer to heal than the large ones ive had done. Weird.
Right better get on with this coursework :|
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
days like today...
I had a hospital appointment on friday just gone (29th October) and i knew it wasnt going to go well weeks before the date even arrived. Partly my own fault and partly due to the cold weather starting to set in and that always makes me rougher than normal. At my last appointment i had 55% lung function and that was the best it had been since May this year! Hence them being happy and didnt need to see my until 3 months later, which was the 29th Oct appointment. My lung functions now down to 45% and my weight has dropped .6 of a kg... now making me weigh in at about 47kg! Light as a feather.
I had to see a "doctor" i dont like. I say doctor in quote marks as i dont think she is a real CF doc, not like the other one i see. I really dont like her, i find her so patronising and she doesnt listen one bit. Not the best thing to not listen to the patient when surely they are the best ones to know really how they are feeling?!
Anyway i had a right attitude problem with her and with the dietician as thats what happens with me, if i dont like them my attitude comes out loud and clear and im not a pleasant person at all.
Sometimes i feel a bit bad when i know they are just trying to do their jobs, but then when they ask me stupid questions like "so do you have an increased cough?" after ive just told her how bad ive been lately with not doing nebs and things and also seeing that my l.f has dropped a further 10%, i dont feel so bad any more.
The dietician tried to get me to talk to her about having NG feeding tubes. I told her the same as i told her when i was in hospital - no way! - i realise it would help me to gain weight considerably, but i just cant stomach (no pun intended) the thought of a tube being stuck up my nose, down my throat and into my stomach. I cant do it. Especially when my appetite is fine, granted i could do with eating a bit more but im doing the best i can right now with what appetite ive got. The dietician doesnt get that. She asked me if i was okay as i seemed a bit upset. At first i wasnt going to say anything, and then i found myself saying to her that she would be like this as well if she had someone constantly telling me that i need to gain weight! I told her its a lot easier said than done for a CF patient especially! She said she understands but i honestly dont think she does, and shell be giving me the same lecture next time about weight gain. And ill be giving her the same attitude.
So its days like today that really sucks. I feel shattered, even though i slept well, and i woke up coughing to the point where i just couldnt catch my breath. Its always really scary when that happens, feels like you just cant breath again and you'll pass out. Freaks me out. It must not look like a pretty sight for mum either.
Some days i have where im feeling really great, but they seem to be rare lately. Im always waking up during the night now coughing, and sometimes its hard to get comfy enough to get back to sleep. Also knowing that the alarm will go off soon doesnt help either...
This 45% lung function is grating my nerves. I feel crap all the time, no matter if i clear my chest quite well one day. Im shattered just walking up the stairs, which is beyond stupid! I could literally sleep all day right now, and still be shattered beyond belief. I finished Uni today at 1pm, and i got home around 2.45ish. I had to get some meds from the pharmacy but mum ended up going up for me, as would be much quicker. When she was out i fell asleep totally unintentionally on the sofa! I only woke up as i heard the keys in the door.
Im stacked up full now with coursework. Im doing 5 modules - all compulsory so no chance of dropping something - and ive got a piece for each one now. The due dates are fairly well spread out, but thats because they are big pieces of work that require me to do a bit on them each day... this hasnt exactly gone to plan as im totally unmotivated from being shattered all the time and i feel like a bag of crap 24/7. This means im heading a bit into "panic mode" and unless i can catch up im screwed. With the uni im at, its hand in your work on time or fail. Simple as that, no extentions for people who deserve/really need it such as myself. You can hand in an extenuating circumstances form, which basically means they'll go a bit more easy on grading your work coz itll be a bit slack compared to others on the course, but thats about all it does. So pretty much fuck all really. Id honestly rather have my work capped at 40% and be allowed an extention than just have "a leniant marking criteria". It was all grand in the first year as we had a 24 hour window and also a 10 day window and if you handed in extenuating circumstances it was a case of, "okay do the work, and use the 10 day extention window and you'll be fine", ten days doesnt sound an awful lot but for me it was usually the difference between 40% and 80% or something. But they took all that away at the beginning of year 2 as apparently all the other uni's didnt do things like that. Who gives a crap about the other uni's!?!
So its back to the usual "You really need IVs" which is what it was on the 29th, and me replying with "can't. wont. uni work really important, cant afford time off at home on ivs or in hospital on ivs." Them being all moody and giving me the speech of "well we can write you a letter, were just looking out for your best interests health wise".
Which i totally get, they are just doing their job. But this is my future im trying to get a pass for. At this rate ill be surprised if i even graduate! I realise i dont really have a future without my health blah blah.... but with the uni not being helpful when i go on IVs and into hospital, what other choices apart from failing have i got?! And as much as i appreciate the letter writing from the hospital and any other help they offer me, it just doesnt cut it because of the Uni's regulations that do shit all for the students in my position. This isnt primary school where i can have a note written to get me out of P.E. that day/week.
Honestly sometimes i really wish id never bothered with Uni. :(
Anway this is a long post already, and my finger joints are screaming at me more so from typing so much, so ill call it a day...
I had to see a "doctor" i dont like. I say doctor in quote marks as i dont think she is a real CF doc, not like the other one i see. I really dont like her, i find her so patronising and she doesnt listen one bit. Not the best thing to not listen to the patient when surely they are the best ones to know really how they are feeling?!
Anyway i had a right attitude problem with her and with the dietician as thats what happens with me, if i dont like them my attitude comes out loud and clear and im not a pleasant person at all.
Sometimes i feel a bit bad when i know they are just trying to do their jobs, but then when they ask me stupid questions like "so do you have an increased cough?" after ive just told her how bad ive been lately with not doing nebs and things and also seeing that my l.f has dropped a further 10%, i dont feel so bad any more.
The dietician tried to get me to talk to her about having NG feeding tubes. I told her the same as i told her when i was in hospital - no way! - i realise it would help me to gain weight considerably, but i just cant stomach (no pun intended) the thought of a tube being stuck up my nose, down my throat and into my stomach. I cant do it. Especially when my appetite is fine, granted i could do with eating a bit more but im doing the best i can right now with what appetite ive got. The dietician doesnt get that. She asked me if i was okay as i seemed a bit upset. At first i wasnt going to say anything, and then i found myself saying to her that she would be like this as well if she had someone constantly telling me that i need to gain weight! I told her its a lot easier said than done for a CF patient especially! She said she understands but i honestly dont think she does, and shell be giving me the same lecture next time about weight gain. And ill be giving her the same attitude.
So its days like today that really sucks. I feel shattered, even though i slept well, and i woke up coughing to the point where i just couldnt catch my breath. Its always really scary when that happens, feels like you just cant breath again and you'll pass out. Freaks me out. It must not look like a pretty sight for mum either.
Some days i have where im feeling really great, but they seem to be rare lately. Im always waking up during the night now coughing, and sometimes its hard to get comfy enough to get back to sleep. Also knowing that the alarm will go off soon doesnt help either...
This 45% lung function is grating my nerves. I feel crap all the time, no matter if i clear my chest quite well one day. Im shattered just walking up the stairs, which is beyond stupid! I could literally sleep all day right now, and still be shattered beyond belief. I finished Uni today at 1pm, and i got home around 2.45ish. I had to get some meds from the pharmacy but mum ended up going up for me, as would be much quicker. When she was out i fell asleep totally unintentionally on the sofa! I only woke up as i heard the keys in the door.
Im stacked up full now with coursework. Im doing 5 modules - all compulsory so no chance of dropping something - and ive got a piece for each one now. The due dates are fairly well spread out, but thats because they are big pieces of work that require me to do a bit on them each day... this hasnt exactly gone to plan as im totally unmotivated from being shattered all the time and i feel like a bag of crap 24/7. This means im heading a bit into "panic mode" and unless i can catch up im screwed. With the uni im at, its hand in your work on time or fail. Simple as that, no extentions for people who deserve/really need it such as myself. You can hand in an extenuating circumstances form, which basically means they'll go a bit more easy on grading your work coz itll be a bit slack compared to others on the course, but thats about all it does. So pretty much fuck all really. Id honestly rather have my work capped at 40% and be allowed an extention than just have "a leniant marking criteria". It was all grand in the first year as we had a 24 hour window and also a 10 day window and if you handed in extenuating circumstances it was a case of, "okay do the work, and use the 10 day extention window and you'll be fine", ten days doesnt sound an awful lot but for me it was usually the difference between 40% and 80% or something. But they took all that away at the beginning of year 2 as apparently all the other uni's didnt do things like that. Who gives a crap about the other uni's!?!
So its back to the usual "You really need IVs" which is what it was on the 29th, and me replying with "can't. wont. uni work really important, cant afford time off at home on ivs or in hospital on ivs." Them being all moody and giving me the speech of "well we can write you a letter, were just looking out for your best interests health wise".
Which i totally get, they are just doing their job. But this is my future im trying to get a pass for. At this rate ill be surprised if i even graduate! I realise i dont really have a future without my health blah blah.... but with the uni not being helpful when i go on IVs and into hospital, what other choices apart from failing have i got?! And as much as i appreciate the letter writing from the hospital and any other help they offer me, it just doesnt cut it because of the Uni's regulations that do shit all for the students in my position. This isnt primary school where i can have a note written to get me out of P.E. that day/week.
Honestly sometimes i really wish id never bothered with Uni. :(
Anway this is a long post already, and my finger joints are screaming at me more so from typing so much, so ill call it a day...
Monday, 11 October 2010
Health and Uni...
So i managed that full week at Uni last week that i was hoping i would be able to do. It was tough, but i stuck it out :)
My cold that i had is all gone now, apart from the stuff that went down onto my chest thats making my life hell at the moment. I was really struggling for breath yesterday and was out of breath just sat reading my book on the sofa! I had to get up off the sofa in small stages just to go and get a drink. Today my chest isnt much different, im rattling like a car engine, and no amount of nebs and such seems to be shifting it all like normal :( Im hoping this is just a rough few days ahead of me, and not something thats long term as ive got hospital on the 29th of this month and really dont want to go on IVs :(
Im a bit more settled at Uni now. Apart from having a good full week in uni, ive not been in an amazing mood really. I was really down during last week for reasons i dont want to put on here for now. But i had a cuddle with my mum and a good cry ('coz sometimes thats all you need to do!) and i chatted with a friend, and felt a bit better about things.
Im looking into driving schools now, as i think im finally ready to learn to drive. I think if i get behind the wheel and just do it and have a go, ill get a better feel for how i feel about driving. Either way i think my confidence is better now for learning than it was a few years ago. Besides, then if i can learn to drive and be along side all the other maniacks out there, then surely i can do a class presentation right?! haha
Im really looking forward to the 27th of this month as ive got my Web Developers conference to go to :D This will be the third one ive been to in a row. I love them! Its exciting for me to be able to meet and greet other web designers/developers who are out there and making it either on their own or as a company. Ive found out a few good things at these conferences, and they really inspire me. I just hope this year i have the oumph to go up to these people and speak to them!!
Until then ive plenty of Uni work to be getting on with. We get our clients soon for my Consultancy Project, and im working on sorting out an idea for my Digital Media Project, also i had the best week last week and actually fully followed and understood a lecture and a tutorial on advanced PHP!! This didnt happen once last year as i was so rubbish at PHP code, but i put in hours of study over the summer for this code and now im so much better at it, and can actually understand what on earth the lecturer is talking about haha! It was the highlight of my week really :p
My cold that i had is all gone now, apart from the stuff that went down onto my chest thats making my life hell at the moment. I was really struggling for breath yesterday and was out of breath just sat reading my book on the sofa! I had to get up off the sofa in small stages just to go and get a drink. Today my chest isnt much different, im rattling like a car engine, and no amount of nebs and such seems to be shifting it all like normal :( Im hoping this is just a rough few days ahead of me, and not something thats long term as ive got hospital on the 29th of this month and really dont want to go on IVs :(
Im a bit more settled at Uni now. Apart from having a good full week in uni, ive not been in an amazing mood really. I was really down during last week for reasons i dont want to put on here for now. But i had a cuddle with my mum and a good cry ('coz sometimes thats all you need to do!) and i chatted with a friend, and felt a bit better about things.
Im looking into driving schools now, as i think im finally ready to learn to drive. I think if i get behind the wheel and just do it and have a go, ill get a better feel for how i feel about driving. Either way i think my confidence is better now for learning than it was a few years ago. Besides, then if i can learn to drive and be along side all the other maniacks out there, then surely i can do a class presentation right?! haha
Im really looking forward to the 27th of this month as ive got my Web Developers conference to go to :D This will be the third one ive been to in a row. I love them! Its exciting for me to be able to meet and greet other web designers/developers who are out there and making it either on their own or as a company. Ive found out a few good things at these conferences, and they really inspire me. I just hope this year i have the oumph to go up to these people and speak to them!!
Until then ive plenty of Uni work to be getting on with. We get our clients soon for my Consultancy Project, and im working on sorting out an idea for my Digital Media Project, also i had the best week last week and actually fully followed and understood a lecture and a tutorial on advanced PHP!! This didnt happen once last year as i was so rubbish at PHP code, but i put in hours of study over the summer for this code and now im so much better at it, and can actually understand what on earth the lecturer is talking about haha! It was the highlight of my week really :p
Wednesday, 22 September 2010
Uni
I'm really looking forward to Friday (24th) as I'm going back to Uni. Ill only be doing induction that day, so its all the welcome back talks and telling us if anything has changed - not too much i hope! I got to finally register online the other day so that's all sorted now.
I passed my resits!! :D I was extremely shocked, i honestly thought they hadn't gone to plan at all! on one of them i only did just pass by like 1 mark but still I PASSED :D I got a text from my friend to say they were up online and i did that arms flappy thing and got all flustered haha! I'm so happy i passed them though they were worrying me something chronic!
I got my new timetable as well the other day. Literally the best timetable in the world I'm sure!! I'm in on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. Ive got Tuesdays and now Fridays off! (we were in on Friday for the first 3 weeks but now they changed it) Its cut my travel costs down a bit so that pleased me, and my earliest start is 9am on a Thursday, which is also the day i finish the latest which is 4pm. Otherwise i start around 10am and finish sometime in the afternoon.
I'm still expecting the flood of work however so the days off will come in extremely handy for me eventually!
Living at home i think will help me out a ton as well, as i wont be living with the certain people on my course who make literally everything a competition which makes me feel really stressed more so. Most of the competitors on my course are on placement as well now so i wont even be in class with them either, which will make life so much better for me with regards to uni! Maybe now i can actually concentrate on the lectures and tutorials instead of sitting there getting all annoyed and upset 'coz i don't understand everything I'm meant to and they do. Sounds silly i know but that's just me really. If everyone else gets something and i don't, my brain pretty much just shuts down.
Ive got a few things to sort out with the DSA people at Uni, with regards to travel help and such and i need to sort something out for my notetakers. Last year i had two of my course mates taking them for me (they got paid more than i do for DLA in a month, maybe even a year, which is stupidly ridiculous as i don't think they should have been getting paid at all) but they are on placement as well now so ill have to sort something new out. I don't know if ill have one, as I've got my Dictaphone i got from my DSA equipment and i think i might concentrate more if I'm taking my own notes. Plus then ill understand them, as if i have a notetaker from the disability department, theres A) No guarantee that they will be there for all my lectures (totally defies the point of a notetaker to me) and B) It means ill understand what the topic(s) is about compared to someone taking notes who hasn't a clue what they are writing about and misses out all the important stuff. Which is why i had the people on my course take the notes last year as they knew what to do.
Anyway, other than all that I'm doing wellish health wise. Ive had a few episodes of chest pain and i had a plug the other day that i just woke up with, it was really painful and i began to think i had a partially collapsed lung, but then when i was coughing and i felt it start to shift i knew it was just a plug - thank god!! Ive never had a collapsed lung and i don't fancy it, but I've asked the team about it just so i know what to look out for. Ive started eating a LOT better now as well, I'm back to stuffing my face in the evenings and I'm eating breakfast again as well :) My energy is picking up nicely and i can now get out of bed properly around 10am if not before some mornings, without feeling like id been out partying all night. Ive started a sort of diary thing, its mostly for food, to show my dietician i do eat and that it is fattening foods and things like that. I hate my dietician, more so since she said you could give an anatomy lesson with my skinny arms!! I also put in things about physio in there as well, and whether I've been on any walks or something, and generally how I'm feeling that day. I started it mostly with just a food diary in mind, but i think it could benefit the other members of the team as well if i put other things in there as well.
Other than all that i don't think theres much else to tell really...
I passed my resits!! :D I was extremely shocked, i honestly thought they hadn't gone to plan at all! on one of them i only did just pass by like 1 mark but still I PASSED :D I got a text from my friend to say they were up online and i did that arms flappy thing and got all flustered haha! I'm so happy i passed them though they were worrying me something chronic!
I got my new timetable as well the other day. Literally the best timetable in the world I'm sure!! I'm in on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. Ive got Tuesdays and now Fridays off! (we were in on Friday for the first 3 weeks but now they changed it) Its cut my travel costs down a bit so that pleased me, and my earliest start is 9am on a Thursday, which is also the day i finish the latest which is 4pm. Otherwise i start around 10am and finish sometime in the afternoon.
I'm still expecting the flood of work however so the days off will come in extremely handy for me eventually!
Living at home i think will help me out a ton as well, as i wont be living with the certain people on my course who make literally everything a competition which makes me feel really stressed more so. Most of the competitors on my course are on placement as well now so i wont even be in class with them either, which will make life so much better for me with regards to uni! Maybe now i can actually concentrate on the lectures and tutorials instead of sitting there getting all annoyed and upset 'coz i don't understand everything I'm meant to and they do. Sounds silly i know but that's just me really. If everyone else gets something and i don't, my brain pretty much just shuts down.
Ive got a few things to sort out with the DSA people at Uni, with regards to travel help and such and i need to sort something out for my notetakers. Last year i had two of my course mates taking them for me (they got paid more than i do for DLA in a month, maybe even a year, which is stupidly ridiculous as i don't think they should have been getting paid at all) but they are on placement as well now so ill have to sort something new out. I don't know if ill have one, as I've got my Dictaphone i got from my DSA equipment and i think i might concentrate more if I'm taking my own notes. Plus then ill understand them, as if i have a notetaker from the disability department, theres A) No guarantee that they will be there for all my lectures (totally defies the point of a notetaker to me) and B) It means ill understand what the topic(s) is about compared to someone taking notes who hasn't a clue what they are writing about and misses out all the important stuff. Which is why i had the people on my course take the notes last year as they knew what to do.
Anyway, other than all that I'm doing wellish health wise. Ive had a few episodes of chest pain and i had a plug the other day that i just woke up with, it was really painful and i began to think i had a partially collapsed lung, but then when i was coughing and i felt it start to shift i knew it was just a plug - thank god!! Ive never had a collapsed lung and i don't fancy it, but I've asked the team about it just so i know what to look out for. Ive started eating a LOT better now as well, I'm back to stuffing my face in the evenings and I'm eating breakfast again as well :) My energy is picking up nicely and i can now get out of bed properly around 10am if not before some mornings, without feeling like id been out partying all night. Ive started a sort of diary thing, its mostly for food, to show my dietician i do eat and that it is fattening foods and things like that. I hate my dietician, more so since she said you could give an anatomy lesson with my skinny arms!! I also put in things about physio in there as well, and whether I've been on any walks or something, and generally how I'm feeling that day. I started it mostly with just a food diary in mind, but i think it could benefit the other members of the team as well if i put other things in there as well.
Other than all that i don't think theres much else to tell really...
Friday, 3 September 2010
Update...
I'm, not really sure what this blog is about today, but i feel like i wanted to make an update...
I (hopefully) start back at Uni soon... It all depends on my resit results, which I'm supposed to get around the 17th September! If you don't pass all your resits then you have to attend some silly registration session at the uni to fill out paper work and the letter i got says to arrange to pay your fees.... I'm a bit worried that means they are implying the student loans company wont pay it if you don't pass resits, i need to look into that. If so that puts me in a situation as I've not got £3grand+ !
Well see, I'm sure the loans company would still pay it. I think if i had a sponsorship it would be a different situation.
Mums back at work now :( so its back to being on my own most of the day. I'm a bit concerned I'm going to slip back into that slump i was in 'coz i was so lonely and bored at the beginning of the summer hols, but I'm trying to make sure I've got something to do. I'm working through some more of my PHP text book today.
My next appointment at the hospital isn't until October now :D Ive gone from have an appointment every 2 weeks for ages to not needing one for 2 months!! My last appointment was one of the best I've had probably all year! Its been really crap health wise for me this year, and so to have such a good appointment was the best thing in the world! I actually left the hospital smiling for once instead of ringing mum up in a rage and being all moody.
My lung function had been doing really crap and i was down to the 40's region. 42% was what it had been in an appointment i had on the 6th August and i was booked in again for 2 weeks after that. I really put a lot of effort into getting it up there in those 2 weeks. I was doing physio and nebs twice a day, i was really trying to eat better (which was still very hard and i was on the anti sickness tabs) i was doing everything i could think of doing within the limits of what i felt i could do without collapsing. It worked that well that i ended up gaining 13% in my lung function on the 20th August :D Putting me now at 55% ! I realise this still isn't the most amazing number to have for lung function, but for months of effort not paying off, and being in the 40's region for so long, i pretty much cried when i saw that increase!! Considering i didn't think lung function test had gone that well!!
My weight was down, but as i tried to explain to the mean dietician about the sickness feeling when eating, and how hard it was to even eat a yogurt some days. But she doesn't get it. I hate her even more now, as i was sat in the room i was placed and as it was a bit hot in there i took my hoodie off just before she came in. Now i know my arms aren't exactly the fatest in the world but there was no need for what she said to me. She looked at my arms, and chuckled and said looking right at me, that you could use my arms as an anatomy lesson they are that skinny. I was fuming so much i actually wanted to choke her! It still makes me angry about it now thinking about it. I am really conscious of my arms, and when i was younger would wear baggy jumpers to hide the skinniness of them, it took me years to get the courage to sit outside wearing my vest top and actually showing my arms and collar bones (they really stick out and i hate it). So I'm trying to not let her ridiculously unfair and nasty comment affect me too much, and I've not told the team. i don't know if i will, as it doesn't look like shes eaten anything more than a sugar cube in the last year anyway so i don't see how she has the audacity to sit there and tell me to put cream on my porridge and eat more "filling foods", when she could nearly turn to the side and people might report her missing!!
Argh! I'm thinking of requesting to see another dietician but the other one doesn't seem to be around a great deal, which is a real shame as shes so lovely!
Rant over.
Otherwise i don't think theres much else to report on. Still waiting on the gym to be sorted, last i was told the payment was being sorted out, but that was weeks ago now, and i really want to get to the gym and put more effort in rather than puffing on a neb at my desk while playing solitaire all the time :p So I'm going to ring the physios and see whats happening.
Quick question for the CFers who read this before i go:
How do you sort out your chest when it feels really dry when coughing?
I'm drinking lots of fluids and eating much better as well, but every time i cough i can feel stuff on my chest, but cant shift it properly even with a neb as my chest and throat feels so dry when i cough...
Thanks in advance for any answers :)
I (hopefully) start back at Uni soon... It all depends on my resit results, which I'm supposed to get around the 17th September! If you don't pass all your resits then you have to attend some silly registration session at the uni to fill out paper work and the letter i got says to arrange to pay your fees.... I'm a bit worried that means they are implying the student loans company wont pay it if you don't pass resits, i need to look into that. If so that puts me in a situation as I've not got £3grand+ !
Well see, I'm sure the loans company would still pay it. I think if i had a sponsorship it would be a different situation.
Mums back at work now :( so its back to being on my own most of the day. I'm a bit concerned I'm going to slip back into that slump i was in 'coz i was so lonely and bored at the beginning of the summer hols, but I'm trying to make sure I've got something to do. I'm working through some more of my PHP text book today.
My next appointment at the hospital isn't until October now :D Ive gone from have an appointment every 2 weeks for ages to not needing one for 2 months!! My last appointment was one of the best I've had probably all year! Its been really crap health wise for me this year, and so to have such a good appointment was the best thing in the world! I actually left the hospital smiling for once instead of ringing mum up in a rage and being all moody.
My lung function had been doing really crap and i was down to the 40's region. 42% was what it had been in an appointment i had on the 6th August and i was booked in again for 2 weeks after that. I really put a lot of effort into getting it up there in those 2 weeks. I was doing physio and nebs twice a day, i was really trying to eat better (which was still very hard and i was on the anti sickness tabs) i was doing everything i could think of doing within the limits of what i felt i could do without collapsing. It worked that well that i ended up gaining 13% in my lung function on the 20th August :D Putting me now at 55% ! I realise this still isn't the most amazing number to have for lung function, but for months of effort not paying off, and being in the 40's region for so long, i pretty much cried when i saw that increase!! Considering i didn't think lung function test had gone that well!!
My weight was down, but as i tried to explain to the mean dietician about the sickness feeling when eating, and how hard it was to even eat a yogurt some days. But she doesn't get it. I hate her even more now, as i was sat in the room i was placed and as it was a bit hot in there i took my hoodie off just before she came in. Now i know my arms aren't exactly the fatest in the world but there was no need for what she said to me. She looked at my arms, and chuckled and said looking right at me, that you could use my arms as an anatomy lesson they are that skinny. I was fuming so much i actually wanted to choke her! It still makes me angry about it now thinking about it. I am really conscious of my arms, and when i was younger would wear baggy jumpers to hide the skinniness of them, it took me years to get the courage to sit outside wearing my vest top and actually showing my arms and collar bones (they really stick out and i hate it). So I'm trying to not let her ridiculously unfair and nasty comment affect me too much, and I've not told the team. i don't know if i will, as it doesn't look like shes eaten anything more than a sugar cube in the last year anyway so i don't see how she has the audacity to sit there and tell me to put cream on my porridge and eat more "filling foods", when she could nearly turn to the side and people might report her missing!!
Argh! I'm thinking of requesting to see another dietician but the other one doesn't seem to be around a great deal, which is a real shame as shes so lovely!
Rant over.
Otherwise i don't think theres much else to report on. Still waiting on the gym to be sorted, last i was told the payment was being sorted out, but that was weeks ago now, and i really want to get to the gym and put more effort in rather than puffing on a neb at my desk while playing solitaire all the time :p So I'm going to ring the physios and see whats happening.
Quick question for the CFers who read this before i go:
How do you sort out your chest when it feels really dry when coughing?
I'm drinking lots of fluids and eating much better as well, but every time i cough i can feel stuff on my chest, but cant shift it properly even with a neb as my chest and throat feels so dry when i cough...
Thanks in advance for any answers :)
Friday, 13 August 2010
Exams and Uni
I'm so tired today! I was up late last night watching the shooting stars with mum in the garden, i made sure i was wrapped up, i had a hoodie and a coat on and then was led on the sun lounger mums got and she wrapped me in a blanket, and i had my hood up :) I was so nice and warm! I saw about 5 or 6 shooting stars and then 'coz i was so warm i started to fall asleep haha! So i ended up going in and going to bed, which i think meant i missed the best part of the "show". Which is a shame but the few i did see, was worth it.
I'm trying to revise today, but its proving rather difficult due to being so tired today! Mum let me have an extra half hour this morning, which usually does the trick, but doesn't seem to have today :( My first exam is Monday morning, and i don't know how I'm going to manage it. I have to get up at 5ish in the morning to be able to get the train at 6.40am! I have to get up this early 'coz I'm not living in Bristol any more, so cant just hop on a bus half hr before the exam begins :|
I have to b there for 9.15am, the exam starts at 9.30am, but they start calling the rooms to be filled about 9.15am and its easier to beat the rush.
My other two exams are the 18th and 20th of August, with hospital after the last exam on the 20th. Which i think is a morning exam, so I'm going to be absolutely shattered for my lung function and things :( Not looking forward to it all really.
I'm being a bit of a defeatist about these exams. I'm trying not to be, I'm trying to keep positive and think all the right thoughts, but it doesn't always work really. I honestly wish i didn't have to resit these stupid exams, and at £50 a time, so I've had to fork out £150 of money i didn't really have to fork over like that. But needs must i guess.
I always knew that fulfilling my dream of Uni wasn't ever going to be easy, as i knew Uni is a lot of hard work. But i never once considered in the years of lead up to Uni that my health would have such an impact and be so interfering! Every time i have a tone of coursework due in, or my exams happening, no matter how compliant i am, my health just bombs on me and i end up in the worst condition ever! Then i have the stress of trying to work through that as well as work through Uni. Which makes me ten times worse 'coz I'm stressing too much about one rather than the other or even.
Ive thought so much these Summer Hols about weather i really want to continue with this Uni malarkey or not, and a large part of me still does, just so i can prove to myself mainly that i can do something and I'm not the thick shit i constantly think i am. It would also be nice to turn around and tell all the them people who never said id make it due to health or due to poor grades, to suck it and tell them where they can stick their lack of support! And i know how proud it would make my mum and i think in a small way my CF team as they've seen as well how much pressure i put on myself and how many interruptions I've had during the most important and not so important times of Uni years.
So i do want to continue and graduate etc. Its just the getting to that graduation day that is proving the hardest part!
I'm going to stick my foot down this year and make sure i get a bit more help, and make sure that i get exten circs when i need them, weather I'm on IVs or not, or in hospital or not, if I've got a flare up and it boosts my daily care then I'm applying for them circumstances. The worst they can do is say no, but i think i can provide a good case for them to not say no.
I think that with 2 certain people from my course - 1 of them more than the other - being out on their placement year, then ill feel a lot more confidant in lectures and tutorials as i wont be sat there worrying that they get it all the first time around and i don't, and then getting myself into a right flap and breaking down all the time. Without them providing the flow of competition (that one more than the other again, they compete at pretty much everything in life, I'm pretty sure they would compete about who has the worst cold when they are around someone else with one!) ill be able to feel better about my work, and about the lack of understanding. Perhaps the clouds will clear now that they wont be there...
I'm trying to revise today, but its proving rather difficult due to being so tired today! Mum let me have an extra half hour this morning, which usually does the trick, but doesn't seem to have today :( My first exam is Monday morning, and i don't know how I'm going to manage it. I have to get up at 5ish in the morning to be able to get the train at 6.40am! I have to get up this early 'coz I'm not living in Bristol any more, so cant just hop on a bus half hr before the exam begins :|
I have to b there for 9.15am, the exam starts at 9.30am, but they start calling the rooms to be filled about 9.15am and its easier to beat the rush.
My other two exams are the 18th and 20th of August, with hospital after the last exam on the 20th. Which i think is a morning exam, so I'm going to be absolutely shattered for my lung function and things :( Not looking forward to it all really.
I'm being a bit of a defeatist about these exams. I'm trying not to be, I'm trying to keep positive and think all the right thoughts, but it doesn't always work really. I honestly wish i didn't have to resit these stupid exams, and at £50 a time, so I've had to fork out £150 of money i didn't really have to fork over like that. But needs must i guess.
I always knew that fulfilling my dream of Uni wasn't ever going to be easy, as i knew Uni is a lot of hard work. But i never once considered in the years of lead up to Uni that my health would have such an impact and be so interfering! Every time i have a tone of coursework due in, or my exams happening, no matter how compliant i am, my health just bombs on me and i end up in the worst condition ever! Then i have the stress of trying to work through that as well as work through Uni. Which makes me ten times worse 'coz I'm stressing too much about one rather than the other or even.
Ive thought so much these Summer Hols about weather i really want to continue with this Uni malarkey or not, and a large part of me still does, just so i can prove to myself mainly that i can do something and I'm not the thick shit i constantly think i am. It would also be nice to turn around and tell all the them people who never said id make it due to health or due to poor grades, to suck it and tell them where they can stick their lack of support! And i know how proud it would make my mum and i think in a small way my CF team as they've seen as well how much pressure i put on myself and how many interruptions I've had during the most important and not so important times of Uni years.
So i do want to continue and graduate etc. Its just the getting to that graduation day that is proving the hardest part!
I'm going to stick my foot down this year and make sure i get a bit more help, and make sure that i get exten circs when i need them, weather I'm on IVs or not, or in hospital or not, if I've got a flare up and it boosts my daily care then I'm applying for them circumstances. The worst they can do is say no, but i think i can provide a good case for them to not say no.
I think that with 2 certain people from my course - 1 of them more than the other - being out on their placement year, then ill feel a lot more confidant in lectures and tutorials as i wont be sat there worrying that they get it all the first time around and i don't, and then getting myself into a right flap and breaking down all the time. Without them providing the flow of competition (that one more than the other again, they compete at pretty much everything in life, I'm pretty sure they would compete about who has the worst cold when they are around someone else with one!) ill be able to feel better about my work, and about the lack of understanding. Perhaps the clouds will clear now that they wont be there...
Sunday, 27 June 2010
Feeling a bit more optimistic!
So my last blog wasn't a very happy or calm one really!
I did as a few people suggested and just thought calmly about the situation, whey up my options, sleep on things a little. I didn't want to rush into a decision i might regret. No matter what my last post suggested. I do love Uni, and i love my course (certain things excluded about that) and i don't really want to leave Uni, unless i got really really very ill and had no choice, or some other situation occurred and i had no choice but to leave.
So i thought and slept and thought some more. I took a look at my results again with a clearer mind and didn't just see the negative side of it all. I did 6 modules and i passed 3 of them, and failed the other three, but only the exam side of them modules. So i did actually pass half my second year!
I worked out the results as well, and to pass on coursework or exams, you need to get 40% + well on one exam i got only 24, but that's only 16 marks from a pass, and most of my question were worth about 8+ points, so really that means i only messed up on two questions! Not bad for a 2 hr exam!
The other two i missed a pass by 7/8 marks, which again each question was worth 8+ marks and so that means i only messed up 1 question on each of them exams!
This made me feel a little more smarter than i had previously felt. It showed me that i was clearly on the right track somewhere along the exam paper line, just not quite there. Plus i have a feeling that i know where i fell down and lost my marks for the exams i missed a pass by 7 or 8 marks on, and so I'm hoping that i just need to really improve them weaknesses and refresh all the other things and i should be better at the exams enough for a pass! I even thought of the point that i might have lost some marks simply because they couldn't read my writing or it didn't make sense!
So i managed to put a positive spin on the negative a little, and I'm pretty happy i managed to do that, as otherwise id still be curled in a ball crying on my bed about what a failure i am, and why do i bother with anything when i always seem to fall flat on myself lol!
I think the sunshine has definitely helped lift my spirits :D Long may it continue!!
So i just need to find £150 to pay for my resits as its £50 a time if the student doesn't have extenuating circumstances accepted or submitted. Which i didn't - that's a very long story and ill tell anyone who really wants to know, as long as they are willing to accept a very long emailed explanation haha!
I think that that was what i was worried and upset about the most, that i wouldn't be able to find the money to resit and then as they are core modules that i have to pass to continue with my course, then i would have to leave Uni. As i said, something i don't want really!!
I think i can find the money. And being at home will help with the revision process again as ill be in a more relaxed place. Not somewhere i feel a lot of pressure, etc...
I actually got out the house today as well for like the first time in about a week. Ive been sitting in my garden and things, but I've not ventured past the front door threshold. I went to town this morning with my mum, insisting on completing my hunt for a nice pair of sandals that actually fit my skinny feet! The hunt was successful and i got a pair of black studded gladiator style sandals :D I managed to save £1.30 with my student card as well so it made it all the more a happy occasion! Got myself 3 more reading books for the summer as well, as I've read everything on my bookshelf. Some of them two or three times haha! They were on a 3 for 2 offer as well so saved some money there as well!
The only thing that hindered my good day today was - no not the football! - that when i was in town, and it was starting to heat up a bit more, i got suddenly really tight chested and found it very hard to breath. I had to sit down and use my inhaler and have a drink. Luckily i had one in my bag. Then due to the lack of breath - at least i think that's the reason - i ended up getting a really bad stitch in my side :( It made it hard to breath as well, so me and mum ended up having to get a taxi home instead of a nice walk. Oh well never mind, I'm all grand now! Just part of the heat i think!
Hope every one's enjoying this glorious weather :D
I did as a few people suggested and just thought calmly about the situation, whey up my options, sleep on things a little. I didn't want to rush into a decision i might regret. No matter what my last post suggested. I do love Uni, and i love my course (certain things excluded about that) and i don't really want to leave Uni, unless i got really really very ill and had no choice, or some other situation occurred and i had no choice but to leave.
So i thought and slept and thought some more. I took a look at my results again with a clearer mind and didn't just see the negative side of it all. I did 6 modules and i passed 3 of them, and failed the other three, but only the exam side of them modules. So i did actually pass half my second year!
I worked out the results as well, and to pass on coursework or exams, you need to get 40% + well on one exam i got only 24, but that's only 16 marks from a pass, and most of my question were worth about 8+ points, so really that means i only messed up on two questions! Not bad for a 2 hr exam!
The other two i missed a pass by 7/8 marks, which again each question was worth 8+ marks and so that means i only messed up 1 question on each of them exams!
This made me feel a little more smarter than i had previously felt. It showed me that i was clearly on the right track somewhere along the exam paper line, just not quite there. Plus i have a feeling that i know where i fell down and lost my marks for the exams i missed a pass by 7 or 8 marks on, and so I'm hoping that i just need to really improve them weaknesses and refresh all the other things and i should be better at the exams enough for a pass! I even thought of the point that i might have lost some marks simply because they couldn't read my writing or it didn't make sense!
So i managed to put a positive spin on the negative a little, and I'm pretty happy i managed to do that, as otherwise id still be curled in a ball crying on my bed about what a failure i am, and why do i bother with anything when i always seem to fall flat on myself lol!
I think the sunshine has definitely helped lift my spirits :D Long may it continue!!
So i just need to find £150 to pay for my resits as its £50 a time if the student doesn't have extenuating circumstances accepted or submitted. Which i didn't - that's a very long story and ill tell anyone who really wants to know, as long as they are willing to accept a very long emailed explanation haha!
I think that that was what i was worried and upset about the most, that i wouldn't be able to find the money to resit and then as they are core modules that i have to pass to continue with my course, then i would have to leave Uni. As i said, something i don't want really!!
I think i can find the money. And being at home will help with the revision process again as ill be in a more relaxed place. Not somewhere i feel a lot of pressure, etc...
I actually got out the house today as well for like the first time in about a week. Ive been sitting in my garden and things, but I've not ventured past the front door threshold. I went to town this morning with my mum, insisting on completing my hunt for a nice pair of sandals that actually fit my skinny feet! The hunt was successful and i got a pair of black studded gladiator style sandals :D I managed to save £1.30 with my student card as well so it made it all the more a happy occasion! Got myself 3 more reading books for the summer as well, as I've read everything on my bookshelf. Some of them two or three times haha! They were on a 3 for 2 offer as well so saved some money there as well!
The only thing that hindered my good day today was - no not the football! - that when i was in town, and it was starting to heat up a bit more, i got suddenly really tight chested and found it very hard to breath. I had to sit down and use my inhaler and have a drink. Luckily i had one in my bag. Then due to the lack of breath - at least i think that's the reason - i ended up getting a really bad stitch in my side :( It made it hard to breath as well, so me and mum ended up having to get a taxi home instead of a nice walk. Oh well never mind, I'm all grand now! Just part of the heat i think!
Hope every one's enjoying this glorious weather :D
Thursday, 24 June 2010
Whats the fucking point!
Literally i just want the floor to swallow me whole now!
This is pretty much the last straw. I new i didnt do amazingly in my exams, but to do as badly as i have?! I really dont care anymore. Uni can suck it. I fucking give up. I clearly wasnt meant to be the educated person i wanted to be.
CF interfered so much during my second year, i wasnt able to get barely anything done, let alone attend properly to flipping understand anything i was meant to be learning. I was apparently getting all the help i was entitled to, which still wasnt enough for me to get through.
I know it sounds like im blaming CF and not myself, but people who know me personally will know how much ill be blaming myself so no worries there about shifting any "blame".
I honestly dont know what to do from here. Im just so tired.
This is pretty much the last straw. I new i didnt do amazingly in my exams, but to do as badly as i have?! I really dont care anymore. Uni can suck it. I fucking give up. I clearly wasnt meant to be the educated person i wanted to be.
CF interfered so much during my second year, i wasnt able to get barely anything done, let alone attend properly to flipping understand anything i was meant to be learning. I was apparently getting all the help i was entitled to, which still wasnt enough for me to get through.
I know it sounds like im blaming CF and not myself, but people who know me personally will know how much ill be blaming myself so no worries there about shifting any "blame".
I honestly dont know what to do from here. Im just so tired.
Monday, 7 June 2010
Year 2 reflection and being home
So like I said I've now finished my exams, and completed year 2 (depending on any possible resits in the summer) I'm so happy its finally all over. When i first started my second year i was all prepared and had a plan in place for doing well and keeping on track, and it was for once in my life a realistic plan! But obviously not realistic enough. I was well when i created this "plan" and so wasn't accounting for how unpredictable CF really is, and how it seems to strike when things are feeling like they are going well.
I ended up getting fairly unwell and was in hospital for about a month, this completely threw me off my "plan" and i lost track totally of uni and missed a great deal, thus making my exams much harder than they should have been. However i made it threw the academic year and I'm trying to create some plans in advance as best i can for my third and what might be my third and final year...
I'm living at home next year (academic year) and so that will help me out a great deal health wise, as mum will be here to help take care of me, make sure i eat, keep on top of my physio and work, and general "have u taken your pills" arguments that ensues after a nice meal lol
I can also start up my running route again, and I'm hoping to eventually be able to get back onto my bike and ride to and from the train station and my house as ill need to get the train to uni every day, which admittedly will be knackering, but after i get into the routine i think ill be okay and as long as i get plenty of rest and keep everything up ill be okay. It should get my lung function back up there as well! Which will please my physios immensely!
I'm at home at the moment. I came home on Saturday for a car boot sale with my mum, which she bought me a photo frame and a large fluffy duck as end of exams presents :D They pleased me immensely :)
I'm supposed to be going back today to Bristol to pack my things up and I've also got a hospital appointment tomorrow and Wednesday (2 different days as two different people) and i know they want me on IVs, but i managed to get back 7% of my lung function, so i know that i can do more for myself without IVs, besides i don't have the energy just yet to deal with them as home IVs and i don't want to go into hospital now, and as I've not got any uni commitments i have more time for myself to focus on my health! I'm putting my foot down and doing more for myself, i don't feel like i need them anymore, no matter how much the Dr wont listen to me. I really don't like her! I prefer the other consultant i have but now hes moved higher up in the CF unit, he doesn't see many patients which sucks :(
I'll either go back to Bristol today or tomorrow morning. I'm leaving most of my things i bought home here as there's no point me taking them back only to have to just pack them and bring them back again...
I'm really enjoying being at home again, without a care in the world with regards to uni at the moment. I'm loving having nothing at all to do, although its hard to think what i did with my time before uni :S
I know ill get bored with nothing to do soon enough, but mum finishes work for summer hols soon so well have plenty to do as we've got some nice days out planned :)
Speaking of mum, she'll be home from work soon, and I'm still not showered or anything so better get a move on!
I ended up getting fairly unwell and was in hospital for about a month, this completely threw me off my "plan" and i lost track totally of uni and missed a great deal, thus making my exams much harder than they should have been. However i made it threw the academic year and I'm trying to create some plans in advance as best i can for my third and what might be my third and final year...
I'm living at home next year (academic year) and so that will help me out a great deal health wise, as mum will be here to help take care of me, make sure i eat, keep on top of my physio and work, and general "have u taken your pills" arguments that ensues after a nice meal lol
I can also start up my running route again, and I'm hoping to eventually be able to get back onto my bike and ride to and from the train station and my house as ill need to get the train to uni every day, which admittedly will be knackering, but after i get into the routine i think ill be okay and as long as i get plenty of rest and keep everything up ill be okay. It should get my lung function back up there as well! Which will please my physios immensely!
I'm at home at the moment. I came home on Saturday for a car boot sale with my mum, which she bought me a photo frame and a large fluffy duck as end of exams presents :D They pleased me immensely :)
I'm supposed to be going back today to Bristol to pack my things up and I've also got a hospital appointment tomorrow and Wednesday (2 different days as two different people) and i know they want me on IVs, but i managed to get back 7% of my lung function, so i know that i can do more for myself without IVs, besides i don't have the energy just yet to deal with them as home IVs and i don't want to go into hospital now, and as I've not got any uni commitments i have more time for myself to focus on my health! I'm putting my foot down and doing more for myself, i don't feel like i need them anymore, no matter how much the Dr wont listen to me. I really don't like her! I prefer the other consultant i have but now hes moved higher up in the CF unit, he doesn't see many patients which sucks :(
I'll either go back to Bristol today or tomorrow morning. I'm leaving most of my things i bought home here as there's no point me taking them back only to have to just pack them and bring them back again...
I'm really enjoying being at home again, without a care in the world with regards to uni at the moment. I'm loving having nothing at all to do, although its hard to think what i did with my time before uni :S
I know ill get bored with nothing to do soon enough, but mum finishes work for summer hols soon so well have plenty to do as we've got some nice days out planned :)
Speaking of mum, she'll be home from work soon, and I'm still not showered or anything so better get a move on!
Friday, 4 June 2010
FREE AT LAST!!!! :D
I'm finally free from exams!!!!!
i finished my last one at 11.30am today and literally wanted to cheer when they said pens down the exams over!! But i had to wait till we were outside, exam conditions and all that blah blah...
Anyway, im going to get some sleep now as im shattered, so much so, my eyes are burning :(
THEN im going back to uni for the end of term/exams/drink the bar dry party with all my friends and it will be immense and i will be getting very drunk :D
I shall post some pictures on here when i am able to :)
Hope everyones goooood :) This is literally the best day of the year for me so far haha!
i finished my last one at 11.30am today and literally wanted to cheer when they said pens down the exams over!! But i had to wait till we were outside, exam conditions and all that blah blah...
Anyway, im going to get some sleep now as im shattered, so much so, my eyes are burning :(
THEN im going back to uni for the end of term/exams/drink the bar dry party with all my friends and it will be immense and i will be getting very drunk :D
I shall post some pictures on here when i am able to :)
Hope everyones goooood :) This is literally the best day of the year for me so far haha!
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
exams and stuff
Yesterday was a pretty crap day to be perfectly honest. I was revising all day for my exam i had this morning, and a lot of other things just pilled on top of me and i ended up spending most of the night crying my eyes out and once i got going i wasnt able to stop. Seriously i was like a hormonal pregnant woman who was crying coz the couple on TV finally got together or something!!
I think a lot of it was stress and tiredness. Major stress. I dont do well during exam time at all! I hate exams and always have done, i much prefer coursework! I have been that stressed the past few days that ive barely been able to eat... pretty much the most ive eaten the past few days has been coco pops and a small meal of beans on toast with Bacon (which in truth was just meant to be a bacon sandwich!) plus im worried that the 7% gain back in lung function i managed to get the other week i think it was when physio last came to see me, i think that ive lost it... but im back to sorting my nebs out properly as i did slack a little due to wanting to spend so much time revising/stressing and yelling at past exam papers that the question doesnt make sense!
I think the final straw last night before i lost it was when i realised that as i had wiped my browser history the other day to see if it would help my browser to sort its life out (its worked before lol) i managed to delete the email i had saved for this blog and i couldnt remember it when i tried to log in last night to make a post as writing i thought would help me feel better. Thats when it all got far too much and i just literally broke and sat rocking and hugging the pillow crying on the edge of my bed like a crazy person!
I woke up at 5am this morning after a restless sleep and thought, well as i cant sleep ill revise. So from 5am till 8.30am when i left for the bus to uni i was creating mind maps for revision and getting ready for uni. I actually managed to eat 2 bowls of cereal this morning, yet my stomach still decided to be the one to be really noisy during the exam. Also for some reason i could smell pancakes during my exam and had a craving arrive like half way through my 3 hour exam for a milkyway bar... so as soon as i was allowed to leave my exam i raided the student shop, and had the largest amount of food ive had in a few days! It was soooo good! :)
Once i got home from my exam, i suddenly realised in the small amount of sanity i had somehow gained overnight that i actually had my email for this blog written down!! So yay!! I am happy again... i think this blog has become a sort of security blanket, and realising i couldnt access it last night just freaked me out so much!
I think the exam went okay this morning, I feel like i did okayish on the first section and the second section we had to choose to answer 2 of the 4 questions that were on the paper. Luckily we had been given the topics to revise, and so i was able to answer one of them (i feel) quite well as i know a fair bit about that topic (XML code language if anyones interested :) ) but the other question i totally bombed on. I couldnt remember how to draw the diagram or what it all meant! I couldnt remember the benefits of it all (3 tier architecture) etc, so i totally blagged the question and im hoping the answer has sort of crept up in enough of a way that ill get some marks if not all of them!
Either way im glad its over, and ive got 2 left!! One on Thursday morning and then my last one on Friday morning! Then as soon as that last exam is over me and my friends are all going to something called Last Orders at the uni campus... Basically the student bars have to get rid of all their alcohol supplies for the summer as no one will be there and so they sell it at really reduced prices, and have acts and other things happening around campus.... Basically im going to be very hung over on Saturday morning, which bodes well for my journey home to go to a car boot sale with my mum! :D Luckily ive warned her that i will be in no way human like on saturday, and apologised in advance for in case im still slightly drunk :p Thankfully my mum is fairly easy going and i know shell just laugh at me rather than lecture me about drinking. After all the suffering the morning after is my own doing, and i dont drink every night... in fact its been a long time since i drank, so im very much looking forward to the copious amount of fun and alcohol and dancing to be had :D
Also ive decided my blog lacks far too much in pictures and ive decided to add one of my new hair colour... which was blonde and is now red, courtesy of mum dying it for me :D
Im pretty impressed that ive managed to grow it this long! I usually get impatient and have it all cut off... But apparently i look much better with long hair :)
I think a lot of it was stress and tiredness. Major stress. I dont do well during exam time at all! I hate exams and always have done, i much prefer coursework! I have been that stressed the past few days that ive barely been able to eat... pretty much the most ive eaten the past few days has been coco pops and a small meal of beans on toast with Bacon (which in truth was just meant to be a bacon sandwich!) plus im worried that the 7% gain back in lung function i managed to get the other week i think it was when physio last came to see me, i think that ive lost it... but im back to sorting my nebs out properly as i did slack a little due to wanting to spend so much time revising/stressing and yelling at past exam papers that the question doesnt make sense!
I think the final straw last night before i lost it was when i realised that as i had wiped my browser history the other day to see if it would help my browser to sort its life out (its worked before lol) i managed to delete the email i had saved for this blog and i couldnt remember it when i tried to log in last night to make a post as writing i thought would help me feel better. Thats when it all got far too much and i just literally broke and sat rocking and hugging the pillow crying on the edge of my bed like a crazy person!
I woke up at 5am this morning after a restless sleep and thought, well as i cant sleep ill revise. So from 5am till 8.30am when i left for the bus to uni i was creating mind maps for revision and getting ready for uni. I actually managed to eat 2 bowls of cereal this morning, yet my stomach still decided to be the one to be really noisy during the exam. Also for some reason i could smell pancakes during my exam and had a craving arrive like half way through my 3 hour exam for a milkyway bar... so as soon as i was allowed to leave my exam i raided the student shop, and had the largest amount of food ive had in a few days! It was soooo good! :)
Once i got home from my exam, i suddenly realised in the small amount of sanity i had somehow gained overnight that i actually had my email for this blog written down!! So yay!! I am happy again... i think this blog has become a sort of security blanket, and realising i couldnt access it last night just freaked me out so much!
I think the exam went okay this morning, I feel like i did okayish on the first section and the second section we had to choose to answer 2 of the 4 questions that were on the paper. Luckily we had been given the topics to revise, and so i was able to answer one of them (i feel) quite well as i know a fair bit about that topic (XML code language if anyones interested :) ) but the other question i totally bombed on. I couldnt remember how to draw the diagram or what it all meant! I couldnt remember the benefits of it all (3 tier architecture) etc, so i totally blagged the question and im hoping the answer has sort of crept up in enough of a way that ill get some marks if not all of them!
Either way im glad its over, and ive got 2 left!! One on Thursday morning and then my last one on Friday morning! Then as soon as that last exam is over me and my friends are all going to something called Last Orders at the uni campus... Basically the student bars have to get rid of all their alcohol supplies for the summer as no one will be there and so they sell it at really reduced prices, and have acts and other things happening around campus.... Basically im going to be very hung over on Saturday morning, which bodes well for my journey home to go to a car boot sale with my mum! :D Luckily ive warned her that i will be in no way human like on saturday, and apologised in advance for in case im still slightly drunk :p Thankfully my mum is fairly easy going and i know shell just laugh at me rather than lecture me about drinking. After all the suffering the morning after is my own doing, and i dont drink every night... in fact its been a long time since i drank, so im very much looking forward to the copious amount of fun and alcohol and dancing to be had :D
Also ive decided my blog lacks far too much in pictures and ive decided to add one of my new hair colour... which was blonde and is now red, courtesy of mum dying it for me :D
Im pretty impressed that ive managed to grow it this long! I usually get impatient and have it all cut off... But apparently i look much better with long hair :)
Sunday, 10 January 2010
New Year, New Me....
So this is better late than never for my first new year post :)
This year will be all about a new me. Now I know people say this all the time "this year I'm changing, I'm going to be a better person than last year blah blah". Well I truly mean this, and Ive decided that if I dont keep this promise to myself then I am not allowed any more tattoos! Now people who know me quite well know that I adore tattoos! I've got 5 at the moment, and I'm getting my 6th one done in a few months time. I'll get back to this in a bit...
So this new me will include:
1. Not feeling guilty if I feel the need to take a day off and rest, "re-boot" my energy levels so to speak so that I can survive the rest of the week at Uni!
2. It will be about me making sure I really eat properly while I am at Uni. Mums fattening me up some while I'm home for christmas, so I dont want to undo all her hard work and effort of delishious meals in one week alone at Uni. I know I'll have some friends who will kick me up the arse with things.
3. Physio! This is something I detest. I always have. When I was at GOSH when I was younger, I swear my physio nurses hated when I had an appointment, as it would always be the same answers "Have you done any physio at all since we last spoke?" me: "Nope, I dont like it. I dont like doing things I dont enjoy" Physio "Its in your best interest to do some, other wise things won't be easy for you in the long run" This all totally fell on someone who was away with the fairies. Now I've grown up and matured (a tiny bit anyway :p ) I realise how important it is to keep a daily routine of things, like my physio and keeping on taking all them pills (I am really surprised I dont rattle when I walk!) I am getting a bit better, I've been trying to do my DNAse and my Mucoclear (this ones still really new to me, and MY GOD! does it dry your throat out!! Although it does work really well) nearly every other day at the moment, every other day mainly for the Mucoclear until im used to it better, and my DNAse, well I was doing well with doing it every day, but, well, its seemed to have stopped! So that will be picking up. I will be trying to do some chest purcussions aswell, maybe if I'm feeling particulary chesty some days. I used to hate this also when I was younger and found it embarasing.... although I still do, I don't know why, perhaps its the loud coughing because of it all and the stuff I bring up (eventually) I dont like it in front of people, its still bad enough when I'm in hospital and I've got to do my Nebs, I hate doing them in front of people. Theres only two people I dont mind doing them in front of and thats my mum, and my best mate Emily. It takes me a long time to build up trust with people, when I moved to my adult care unit in Bristol, I was not telling the doctors there much until I asscessed what they were like in my eyes. It's very bad I know, but its a trust thing for me. They after all effectively holding my life in their hands, therefore an element of trust has to be found. I'm better with some of them now though :)
4. Organisation!! This is a major one for me! I am sooo bad when it comes to doing things on time, or when I am supposed to do them. I will be (hopefully) having a mentor set up who will help me with this at University. They will help me to create time tables for coursework, revision when exams roll around, other things aswell, making sure I'm on top of my work load and not stressed, and making sure I'm getting all the help I am entitled too. I have also bought myself some folders for which I will be arranging all my work from year 1 in one folder and year 2 so far in another folder, there will be dividers between each module, and it will include all my past assignments, and lecture handouts and notes. I am trying to find them tray things "in and out trays" they are called, and apparently this is the technical term for them aswell! These will obviously be my "in and out trays" for assignments, the out tray will contain one that are due to be handed in, and the in tray well thats obvious really. I'm going to create some decent sort of schedule for my physio time at University aswell...
5. Portfolio website and Placement!!
This is another major one, and my last "to do" of the year for me. I am hoping to do a placement for my third year at university, I would like it idealy to be in my home town, or near enough to get to easily, so that I am able to move home for a year. However if the best one I find is in Bristol I will have to find some sort of living arrangement there. I am sure things will fall in to place eventually, however its giving me a right headache looking for one, and then thinking about the applying process. My worst thought is what if I apply to a place that I really like and they don't accept me. That will be crushing, yet I guess looking at it from a different angle would be a good learning experience to be able to get back on the horse so to speak!
My portfolio website, I have started this. I've been working on it on and off for a few weeks now, and I've re-started it 4 times! The design I'm working on now is my 4th attempt. So far I am liking it better than my other 3 attempts! Which has got to be somewhere in the right direction... Once it is all finsihed I will purchase my webspace and go live with it, and hope that some work floats my way, or a prospective employer will see it and like me enough to hire me! Fingers and toes crossed!!
That is all my parts of me that I want to change this year. I am sure I've missed some minor details out, but everything is still in my head so I know what I am doing. But these points are the most important to me really. Going back to the tattoo thing quickly as I said I would. I am getting a port fitted this year, which if I am honest I am bricking it about. I know this is a minor operation, and I've been told that it will be under a general anesthetic (sp?) thank god!! But its a big deal to me, as its an operation, and I've always sworn to myself that I would never have one done (which in hindsight, having CF and swearing that to myself was a very bad idea, perhaps I meant operations that wern't essential). I had one done when I was a baby to sort the blockage in my intestines out, and I've got the scars from that. The scars don't bother me anymore, they used to, mainly 'coz people would ask what they were from and as I didn't know really I was shy about them, and kept them hidden. So the scar from the port op won't bother me at all, and I took a long time to think about it, longer than any patient at the hospital I go to my doctor told me, which I'm not sure is good or bad. I do have a tendancy to over think things a lot! But I decided that when I meet the surgeon and the anethetist person I will be more settled as I'm sure they deal with nervous patients all the time with their job! So I am hoping that will be in before my birthday in March (21 woop!) and I've decided that I am getting myself a tattoo after I am all healed somewhere on me (not my chest, perhaps my ankle) to represent my CF for me. I don't mind if people see it and don't understand what it is about, as this is one for me only :) I am busy in photoshop creating one that I feel is perfect :D
So to end this very long blog, I am off to bed now as I'm shattered!
Night
Kat
This year will be all about a new me. Now I know people say this all the time "this year I'm changing, I'm going to be a better person than last year blah blah". Well I truly mean this, and Ive decided that if I dont keep this promise to myself then I am not allowed any more tattoos! Now people who know me quite well know that I adore tattoos! I've got 5 at the moment, and I'm getting my 6th one done in a few months time. I'll get back to this in a bit...
So this new me will include:
1. Not feeling guilty if I feel the need to take a day off and rest, "re-boot" my energy levels so to speak so that I can survive the rest of the week at Uni!
2. It will be about me making sure I really eat properly while I am at Uni. Mums fattening me up some while I'm home for christmas, so I dont want to undo all her hard work and effort of delishious meals in one week alone at Uni. I know I'll have some friends who will kick me up the arse with things.
3. Physio! This is something I detest. I always have. When I was at GOSH when I was younger, I swear my physio nurses hated when I had an appointment, as it would always be the same answers "Have you done any physio at all since we last spoke?" me: "Nope, I dont like it. I dont like doing things I dont enjoy" Physio "Its in your best interest to do some, other wise things won't be easy for you in the long run" This all totally fell on someone who was away with the fairies. Now I've grown up and matured (a tiny bit anyway :p ) I realise how important it is to keep a daily routine of things, like my physio and keeping on taking all them pills (I am really surprised I dont rattle when I walk!) I am getting a bit better, I've been trying to do my DNAse and my Mucoclear (this ones still really new to me, and MY GOD! does it dry your throat out!! Although it does work really well) nearly every other day at the moment, every other day mainly for the Mucoclear until im used to it better, and my DNAse, well I was doing well with doing it every day, but, well, its seemed to have stopped! So that will be picking up. I will be trying to do some chest purcussions aswell, maybe if I'm feeling particulary chesty some days. I used to hate this also when I was younger and found it embarasing.... although I still do, I don't know why, perhaps its the loud coughing because of it all and the stuff I bring up (eventually) I dont like it in front of people, its still bad enough when I'm in hospital and I've got to do my Nebs, I hate doing them in front of people. Theres only two people I dont mind doing them in front of and thats my mum, and my best mate Emily. It takes me a long time to build up trust with people, when I moved to my adult care unit in Bristol, I was not telling the doctors there much until I asscessed what they were like in my eyes. It's very bad I know, but its a trust thing for me. They after all effectively holding my life in their hands, therefore an element of trust has to be found. I'm better with some of them now though :)
4. Organisation!! This is a major one for me! I am sooo bad when it comes to doing things on time, or when I am supposed to do them. I will be (hopefully) having a mentor set up who will help me with this at University. They will help me to create time tables for coursework, revision when exams roll around, other things aswell, making sure I'm on top of my work load and not stressed, and making sure I'm getting all the help I am entitled too. I have also bought myself some folders for which I will be arranging all my work from year 1 in one folder and year 2 so far in another folder, there will be dividers between each module, and it will include all my past assignments, and lecture handouts and notes. I am trying to find them tray things "in and out trays" they are called, and apparently this is the technical term for them aswell! These will obviously be my "in and out trays" for assignments, the out tray will contain one that are due to be handed in, and the in tray well thats obvious really. I'm going to create some decent sort of schedule for my physio time at University aswell...
5. Portfolio website and Placement!!
This is another major one, and my last "to do" of the year for me. I am hoping to do a placement for my third year at university, I would like it idealy to be in my home town, or near enough to get to easily, so that I am able to move home for a year. However if the best one I find is in Bristol I will have to find some sort of living arrangement there. I am sure things will fall in to place eventually, however its giving me a right headache looking for one, and then thinking about the applying process. My worst thought is what if I apply to a place that I really like and they don't accept me. That will be crushing, yet I guess looking at it from a different angle would be a good learning experience to be able to get back on the horse so to speak!
My portfolio website, I have started this. I've been working on it on and off for a few weeks now, and I've re-started it 4 times! The design I'm working on now is my 4th attempt. So far I am liking it better than my other 3 attempts! Which has got to be somewhere in the right direction... Once it is all finsihed I will purchase my webspace and go live with it, and hope that some work floats my way, or a prospective employer will see it and like me enough to hire me! Fingers and toes crossed!!
That is all my parts of me that I want to change this year. I am sure I've missed some minor details out, but everything is still in my head so I know what I am doing. But these points are the most important to me really. Going back to the tattoo thing quickly as I said I would. I am getting a port fitted this year, which if I am honest I am bricking it about. I know this is a minor operation, and I've been told that it will be under a general anesthetic (sp?) thank god!! But its a big deal to me, as its an operation, and I've always sworn to myself that I would never have one done (which in hindsight, having CF and swearing that to myself was a very bad idea, perhaps I meant operations that wern't essential). I had one done when I was a baby to sort the blockage in my intestines out, and I've got the scars from that. The scars don't bother me anymore, they used to, mainly 'coz people would ask what they were from and as I didn't know really I was shy about them, and kept them hidden. So the scar from the port op won't bother me at all, and I took a long time to think about it, longer than any patient at the hospital I go to my doctor told me, which I'm not sure is good or bad. I do have a tendancy to over think things a lot! But I decided that when I meet the surgeon and the anethetist person I will be more settled as I'm sure they deal with nervous patients all the time with their job! So I am hoping that will be in before my birthday in March (21 woop!) and I've decided that I am getting myself a tattoo after I am all healed somewhere on me (not my chest, perhaps my ankle) to represent my CF for me. I don't mind if people see it and don't understand what it is about, as this is one for me only :) I am busy in photoshop creating one that I feel is perfect :D
So to end this very long blog, I am off to bed now as I'm shattered!
Night
Kat
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