I'll get by...

Its taken me a while to get to this non-stressed level, and start to feel remotely happy. For people reading this who don't understand what that sentence means to me ill briefly explain...

During Uni, stress from the course and me not getting along with it got to me a lot, and ultimately made me very ill as i don't deal well under a lot of pressure. And pressure is certainly the understatement of what i put myself under! I made myself believe that i didn't belong at Uni, because i didn't have the same level of understanding of the content as my fellow course mates did, because i didn't enjoy the lectures like they did, because i didn't understand the assignments like they did or get what i was supposed to be doing in the tutorials. Because i wasn't exactly on the same level as everyone else i pressured myself about it, and spent countless nights sat up crying from stress and feeling generally crap about myself, telling myself how useless i was and that I'm so thick its a total fluke i got into Uni.
I spent everyday waiting for a letter to come through saying "sorry we made a mistake and we didn't actually accept you after all". Even though none of this was true, i had managed to make myself think and believe fully that it was true and that i was thick as two planks of wood etc, and so it made it extremely harder for me everyday.
All of this stress as you can imagine made me very ill, and i ended up not really eating properly, i think that started the beginnings of the weight problems i have today, it landed me in hospital countless times, adding more stress as i couldn't then do my uni work and i would spend the time in hospital worrying about falling behind rather than getting anywhere near better! I had the amount of times needed for IVs increased, which led to me getting my port as my veins couldn't handle it anymore, now they want me to have a PEG still and I'm fighting that with all i have in me.

Although Ive said it before that i regret going to Uni and living away from home, i don't really. Yes Ive screwed my health up a lot and I'm paying the price for that now, but I'm starting to pull my finger out as of yesterday. Its time for me to stop hiding under the duvet and thinking things will sort themselves out, as they wont and ill end up getting worse and worse. That's now what i or anyone wants really!
Then how am i supposed to live the life i keep saying i want...

I started to sort myself out yesterday by walking up the shop with mum. I spent way too much on sweets but never mind! I got home and was quite tired from such a simple walk but i was proud i did it! My aim is to get walking to town again, even if I'm too tired to walk home i need a taxi home for now, i don't mind as i can build things up.
I take my pills everyday now, and I'm managing 3 meals a day with snacks in between, and this morning even managed to do 2 Neb's which is a massive improvement on previous days/weeks/months ha ha! So I'm off to a good start. Mums helping me a lot with the food side of things, coming up with new ways to cook things for me to make them more fattening and things like that!

I actually managed to hang the washing out for mum yesterday, and I'm planning to try and hoover today. These things are not simple for me to do though, the washing yesterday took me nearly half and hour, i think by the time id pegged up the last item the first item was dry ha ha! But it was the effort that counted for me :)

Im starting to get some motivation back now, and im making the most of it!!