Not the happiest blog ill ever write.
My cousin lost his 3 year (i think) battle against cancer yesterday morning. Although i knew that he had gone down hill the past month or so to the point that he wasnt even getting out of bed now and was becoming pretty much just skin and bones, but his passing was still unexpected.
My mum came home from work where one of my Aunts had rung her with the news and when she got home we went around to my Aunts who's son he is. (im not going to say 'was' because just becaused hes passed, doesnt make him any less her son). All the family rallied round and came over to say goodbye and comfort the rest of the family.
Although the circumstances were beyond horrible, it was still nice to see that my family are actually there for each other when it really counts. This did surprise me as ive never seen it happen before really.
My cousin who has passed was still there in his bed. It was a bit scary to see him at first like that, but after a while i was able to look at him properly and he looked so peaceful. He looked free from any pain he was in, and he looked just like he was sleeping and dreaming nice things. That in a way made it worse when you realised suddenly that you couldnt see him breathing and then it hits you again and again. Yet you still look for that rythm of breathing. I paniced when i couldnt see it the frist time i looked at him, and then i think that was when it really proved to me that he had passed on...
I didnt cry when i was at my Aunt's as i wanted to be strong for the family and my mum.
I cried when i got home though, much against my will as i hate crying 'coz it just makes me more tired and breathless, but i had to let it out. I told mum that i didnt feel like i should be upset this much as i wasnt that close to him. Because i had lived far away from him when i was growing up we never got to really know each other. But mum explained that he is still our family and that i do have every right to be upset just as much as the rest of the family do.
I think some of my sadness is from the shock of him going when he is so young. Hes the same age as me (22) and would have been 23 in a few weeks!
My family are all saying now that we need to all keep in contact more with each other. Ive been wanting this for ages, and its a shame its taken one of my cousins passing to have it happen...
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
Sunday, 13 June 2010
Family Do
I was going to do one large blog, but thought that it would be too long, so ive split it into two parts.
I went to my Great Aunty's at the weekend with my mum as we had my other Great Aunty's 60th wedding anniversary party... i honestly don't know how she put up with my Uncle this long, but they make an amazing couple, and i think its pretty impressive they have been together this long really! Certainly a marriage to look up to that's for sure!
The party was really good as well, as me and my mum got to see some people from our family we've not seen for 4+ years! How people change so much is quite scary when you take a step back and notice really... I kept my sarcasm is check for the night though as i didn't want to offend any family members who don't really know what I'm like... However it was all still happening in my head :p
The most common thing that was said to me was "And you must be Katherine! My gosh haven't you grown! You must have been *insert hand gesture here for height measurement* this tall when i last saw you!".... i mostly just smiled, all the while thinking, well i wouldn't exactly shrink would i! that or i was tempted on one or two occasions to reply with, u were this tall when i last saw u, my haven't you shrunk!... But thought better of it. As soon as most of the people had turnt their backs, i would turn to mum and ask who they actually were haha! I knew some of them, but most of them i hadn't seen since i was well like 1 years old really, but some i remembered from the 40th wedding anniversary party when i was about 11 years old.... Man i feel old!!
The Great Aunt and Uncle whos party it was do a type of barn dancing thing and so they had their friends who they do that with there as well, and a band who can play that music.... It did look quite fun, but it would have set me off into a massive coughing fit and that in the middle of the dance floor would not be pretty at all, so i avoided it and just spoke to family members and got happily tipsy in the corner with my mum and Great Aunt who we were staying with.
I honestly could not figure out our family tree to begin with, but as the evening went on i was talking to mum about it all and trying to understand how were all related to each other, when it all suddenly clicked into place and i got it! However i said rather loudly "oh!!!! I get it now!! That makes perfect sense!!" to the entire table and everyone looked at me rather confused.... they really dont know my epiphany moments you see so it was a bit shocking for the rather quiet girl in the corner to suddenly say something loud like that haha!
I got the typical "so what are you up to these days" questions and explained countless time to different family members about Uni and such. By the end of the night i wanted to have a large white board that said my history of my life since they all last saw me just so i could stop saying the same things over and over again! Plus my cheeks were killing me from smiling all night... although the good thing is that it wasn't that typical fake smile a lot of people have for the family do, which is good! :)
Some people asked about my health, to which i mostly just responded with "yeah, yeah im fine, im okay" as i couldnt be bothered to sit there and explain to them about how things really are. Plus when most of them asked me it was annoying to see that sympathetic smile on their faces, so i just said that i was fine to save more pity. However a few of them did say that i looked well, i just wish i felt "well".... although i wonder what "well" actually feels like, i guess its a different feeling for everyone?
There was a bar there (thankgod!) and the guy serving on it, i really recognised him! Im sure he goes to the same uni as me, or ive seen him around town. Either way he was a bit cute, and i was guna ask him if he went to uni and things when it was just me at the bar buying drinks, but one of my Uncles arrived at the bar so i didnt say anything. Im going to look out for him at uni next year... but knowing my luck hes probably finished now!
I went to my Great Aunty's at the weekend with my mum as we had my other Great Aunty's 60th wedding anniversary party... i honestly don't know how she put up with my Uncle this long, but they make an amazing couple, and i think its pretty impressive they have been together this long really! Certainly a marriage to look up to that's for sure!
The party was really good as well, as me and my mum got to see some people from our family we've not seen for 4+ years! How people change so much is quite scary when you take a step back and notice really... I kept my sarcasm is check for the night though as i didn't want to offend any family members who don't really know what I'm like... However it was all still happening in my head :p
The most common thing that was said to me was "And you must be Katherine! My gosh haven't you grown! You must have been *insert hand gesture here for height measurement* this tall when i last saw you!".... i mostly just smiled, all the while thinking, well i wouldn't exactly shrink would i! that or i was tempted on one or two occasions to reply with, u were this tall when i last saw u, my haven't you shrunk!... But thought better of it. As soon as most of the people had turnt their backs, i would turn to mum and ask who they actually were haha! I knew some of them, but most of them i hadn't seen since i was well like 1 years old really, but some i remembered from the 40th wedding anniversary party when i was about 11 years old.... Man i feel old!!
The Great Aunt and Uncle whos party it was do a type of barn dancing thing and so they had their friends who they do that with there as well, and a band who can play that music.... It did look quite fun, but it would have set me off into a massive coughing fit and that in the middle of the dance floor would not be pretty at all, so i avoided it and just spoke to family members and got happily tipsy in the corner with my mum and Great Aunt who we were staying with.
I honestly could not figure out our family tree to begin with, but as the evening went on i was talking to mum about it all and trying to understand how were all related to each other, when it all suddenly clicked into place and i got it! However i said rather loudly "oh!!!! I get it now!! That makes perfect sense!!" to the entire table and everyone looked at me rather confused.... they really dont know my epiphany moments you see so it was a bit shocking for the rather quiet girl in the corner to suddenly say something loud like that haha!
I got the typical "so what are you up to these days" questions and explained countless time to different family members about Uni and such. By the end of the night i wanted to have a large white board that said my history of my life since they all last saw me just so i could stop saying the same things over and over again! Plus my cheeks were killing me from smiling all night... although the good thing is that it wasn't that typical fake smile a lot of people have for the family do, which is good! :)
Some people asked about my health, to which i mostly just responded with "yeah, yeah im fine, im okay" as i couldnt be bothered to sit there and explain to them about how things really are. Plus when most of them asked me it was annoying to see that sympathetic smile on their faces, so i just said that i was fine to save more pity. However a few of them did say that i looked well, i just wish i felt "well".... although i wonder what "well" actually feels like, i guess its a different feeling for everyone?
There was a bar there (thankgod!) and the guy serving on it, i really recognised him! Im sure he goes to the same uni as me, or ive seen him around town. Either way he was a bit cute, and i was guna ask him if he went to uni and things when it was just me at the bar buying drinks, but one of my Uncles arrived at the bar so i didnt say anything. Im going to look out for him at uni next year... but knowing my luck hes probably finished now!
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
Port, and dreams
At the end of my blog post yesterday i said i would write another one about my port stuff thats happening at the moment...
It took me ages to actually agree to have one put in, mainly because its an operation. I know its a minor operation but still ive not had one since i was born and clearly dont remember that! All ive got is the scars to remember it by. So it was a very big decision to make for me about having a port, and also weigh up the pros and cons of ports aswell. Eventually i said yeah and now my operation for it is booked for the 12th February.
Im admitted the day before and then go down about 10/11am on friday morning. Im still pretty scared about it, but im hoping that once i meet the surgeon and anethetist then i will feel a bit better, i mean they must deal with nervous people everyday right?!?
Im glad ive made the decision to go ahead with it, but i guess i wont know the full extent of my decision until its done and in really...
I think another reason it took me so long to think about it, is because it proves my CF has taken that "step down" i guess. Its come to the point where my viens have decided they arent going to have any more lines put in them and so ive to have a port put in. I never really thought i would ever be one of the people who have a port. But then i always thought id be healthy no matter my CF. Guess im still nieve after all when it comes to it....
I had a dream last night about my operation, and it was quite detailed, you know like when you get them kind of dreams. Its freaky 'coz when you wake up you think its real! Its wasnt a bad dream but i dont think it was a good dream either. It was good because it all went smoothly and such, but it was bad as when i was taken back to my room there wasnt anyone there, and i hated the port and the fact that it shows like a bump under the skin. I was really upset in this dream about no one being there when i got back to my room, but i was also upset more so because i hated the port and wanted it out.
I woke up properly and felt at my chest where it was in my dream and realised it wasnt real. My first thought when i woke up was dread and also that i shouldnt be lying on my front as ill damage the port! haha i think ill still be able to lie on my front - i hope so its the most comfiest for me! But the dread in my dream about not likeing it has stuck with me and i cant stop thinking what if i dont like it, can i just get them to take it out? But then wont that mean i cant get IVs again, surely thats kind of a good thing but not as they are a good strong way to blast infections and if i cant have them ill get really ill and deline really fast....
So now i cant switch my head off about whether ill like it or not. Ive been warned about it showing more or not depending on my weight, but in my dream it was really prominent.... surely it wont be that bad??....
The no one was there part bothers me aswell as my best mate Emily and my mum are meant to be there when i come back to the ward. The thing thats pissing me off about it is that my sister wants to come down for it with her husband! Which dont get me wrong thats sweet and such but its just a minor operation and shes insisting on being there for when i wake up! As selfish as this sounds I dont want her there at all! I dont want to be selfish but like i said its just a minor operation and everyones making it out like its a life or death thing for me! If i was on the transplant list and getting new lungs then fair enough come down and see me as they are very risky operations... but im no where near being in that "stage" yet. I hope i never am really.
So its just annoying me that she wants to come down for it, especially when ive been told that i COULD be out the same day i have it done! She just invites herself to stay at mums and that pisses mum off, as if i was going to be in on the saturday still then i think she was planning to come and see me again. But with my sister there we cant spend that time together as she gets really bored really easily and hospitals arent her thing. Well they arent anyones thing but when you spend as much time at the hospital as I do compared to my sister which is never you get used to it really.
I cant tell her i dont want her there as shell get in a right mood and get offended (she gets that easily its really annoying trying to give her advice or constructive critisism) so for now im just trying to hint that she doesnt need to come up at all, and that mum and emily will be fine there for me as thats all i want. Most of my family dont know im having it done as then it will be mass panic to come and see thinking they will never see me again.
I wish my family took the time to understand CF some more, being the only person in the family with it, its gets a bit lonely and annoying when they know im having a bad day or week and they dont actually understand what that entails, they just think that ill be perfectly fine after a bit of rest. Which isnt always the case... But i think that if someone else was suddenly diagnosed with CF in my family, then id be a bit jealous as i know that if it was one of my aunts kids they would have attention lavished on them left right and center. They would be so spoilt and constantly worried about, and that would just plain piss me off, and my mum would literally boil over with rage it think! Shes done soooo much to help me and still does, from when i was born to present day. My family dont actually get that or dont want to get that im not sure. They didnt see the crap and hard work she had to put up with while raising me - an unhealthy baby and my sister a really moody child (apparently - not a lots changed!) and havin to put up with my dad who didnt give to flying fucks about me. My sister was "daddys little girl" though....
Anyway.
Im off to watch Grey Anatomy, which i should really stop watching with my port coming up!!
It took me ages to actually agree to have one put in, mainly because its an operation. I know its a minor operation but still ive not had one since i was born and clearly dont remember that! All ive got is the scars to remember it by. So it was a very big decision to make for me about having a port, and also weigh up the pros and cons of ports aswell. Eventually i said yeah and now my operation for it is booked for the 12th February.
Im admitted the day before and then go down about 10/11am on friday morning. Im still pretty scared about it, but im hoping that once i meet the surgeon and anethetist then i will feel a bit better, i mean they must deal with nervous people everyday right?!?
Im glad ive made the decision to go ahead with it, but i guess i wont know the full extent of my decision until its done and in really...
I think another reason it took me so long to think about it, is because it proves my CF has taken that "step down" i guess. Its come to the point where my viens have decided they arent going to have any more lines put in them and so ive to have a port put in. I never really thought i would ever be one of the people who have a port. But then i always thought id be healthy no matter my CF. Guess im still nieve after all when it comes to it....
I had a dream last night about my operation, and it was quite detailed, you know like when you get them kind of dreams. Its freaky 'coz when you wake up you think its real! Its wasnt a bad dream but i dont think it was a good dream either. It was good because it all went smoothly and such, but it was bad as when i was taken back to my room there wasnt anyone there, and i hated the port and the fact that it shows like a bump under the skin. I was really upset in this dream about no one being there when i got back to my room, but i was also upset more so because i hated the port and wanted it out.
I woke up properly and felt at my chest where it was in my dream and realised it wasnt real. My first thought when i woke up was dread and also that i shouldnt be lying on my front as ill damage the port! haha i think ill still be able to lie on my front - i hope so its the most comfiest for me! But the dread in my dream about not likeing it has stuck with me and i cant stop thinking what if i dont like it, can i just get them to take it out? But then wont that mean i cant get IVs again, surely thats kind of a good thing but not as they are a good strong way to blast infections and if i cant have them ill get really ill and deline really fast....
So now i cant switch my head off about whether ill like it or not. Ive been warned about it showing more or not depending on my weight, but in my dream it was really prominent.... surely it wont be that bad??....
The no one was there part bothers me aswell as my best mate Emily and my mum are meant to be there when i come back to the ward. The thing thats pissing me off about it is that my sister wants to come down for it with her husband! Which dont get me wrong thats sweet and such but its just a minor operation and shes insisting on being there for when i wake up! As selfish as this sounds I dont want her there at all! I dont want to be selfish but like i said its just a minor operation and everyones making it out like its a life or death thing for me! If i was on the transplant list and getting new lungs then fair enough come down and see me as they are very risky operations... but im no where near being in that "stage" yet. I hope i never am really.
So its just annoying me that she wants to come down for it, especially when ive been told that i COULD be out the same day i have it done! She just invites herself to stay at mums and that pisses mum off, as if i was going to be in on the saturday still then i think she was planning to come and see me again. But with my sister there we cant spend that time together as she gets really bored really easily and hospitals arent her thing. Well they arent anyones thing but when you spend as much time at the hospital as I do compared to my sister which is never you get used to it really.
I cant tell her i dont want her there as shell get in a right mood and get offended (she gets that easily its really annoying trying to give her advice or constructive critisism) so for now im just trying to hint that she doesnt need to come up at all, and that mum and emily will be fine there for me as thats all i want. Most of my family dont know im having it done as then it will be mass panic to come and see thinking they will never see me again.
I wish my family took the time to understand CF some more, being the only person in the family with it, its gets a bit lonely and annoying when they know im having a bad day or week and they dont actually understand what that entails, they just think that ill be perfectly fine after a bit of rest. Which isnt always the case... But i think that if someone else was suddenly diagnosed with CF in my family, then id be a bit jealous as i know that if it was one of my aunts kids they would have attention lavished on them left right and center. They would be so spoilt and constantly worried about, and that would just plain piss me off, and my mum would literally boil over with rage it think! Shes done soooo much to help me and still does, from when i was born to present day. My family dont actually get that or dont want to get that im not sure. They didnt see the crap and hard work she had to put up with while raising me - an unhealthy baby and my sister a really moody child (apparently - not a lots changed!) and havin to put up with my dad who didnt give to flying fucks about me. My sister was "daddys little girl" though....
Anyway.
Im off to watch Grey Anatomy, which i should really stop watching with my port coming up!!
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