Death in the family

Not the happiest blog ill ever write.

My cousin lost his 3 year (i think) battle against cancer yesterday morning. Although i knew that he had gone down hill the past month or so to the point that he wasnt even getting out of bed now and was becoming pretty much just skin and bones, but his passing was still unexpected.

My mum came home from work where one of my Aunts had rung her with the news and when she got home we went around to my Aunts who's son he is. (im not going to say 'was' because just becaused hes passed, doesnt make him any less her son). All the family rallied round and came over to say goodbye and comfort the rest of the family.

Although the circumstances were beyond horrible, it was still nice to see that my family are actually there for each other when it really counts. This did surprise me as ive never seen it happen before really.

My cousin who has passed was still there in his bed. It was a bit scary to see him at first like that, but after a while i was able to look at him properly and he looked so peaceful. He looked free from any pain he was in, and he looked just like he was sleeping and dreaming nice things. That in a way made it worse when you realised suddenly that you couldnt see him breathing and then it hits you again and again. Yet you still look for that rythm of breathing. I paniced when i couldnt see it the frist time i looked at him, and then i think that was when it really proved to me that he had passed on...

I didnt cry when i was at my Aunt's as i wanted to be strong for the family and my mum.
I cried when i got home though, much against my will as i hate crying 'coz it just makes me more tired and breathless, but i had to let it out. I told mum that i didnt feel like i should be upset this much as i wasnt that close to him. Because i had lived far away from him when i was growing up we never got to really know each other. But mum explained that he is still our family and that i do have every right to be upset just as much as the rest of the family do.

I think some of my sadness is from the shock of him going when he is so young. Hes the same age as me (22) and would have been 23 in a few weeks!

My family are all saying now that we need to all keep in contact more with each other. Ive been wanting this for ages, and its a shame its taken one of my cousins passing to have it happen...