Port, and dreams

At the end of my blog post yesterday i said i would write another one about my port stuff thats happening at the moment...

It took me ages to actually agree to have one put in, mainly because its an operation. I know its a minor operation but still ive not had one since i was born and clearly dont remember that! All ive got is the scars to remember it by. So it was a very big decision to make for me about having a port, and also weigh up the pros and cons of ports aswell. Eventually i said yeah and now my operation for it is booked for the 12th February.

Im admitted the day before and then go down about 10/11am on friday morning. Im still pretty scared about it, but im hoping that once i meet the surgeon and anethetist then i will feel a bit better, i mean they must deal with nervous people everyday right?!?

Im glad ive made the decision to go ahead with it,  but i guess i wont know the full extent of my decision until its done and in really...

I think another reason it took me so long to think about it, is because it proves my CF has taken that "step down" i guess. Its come to the point where my viens have decided they arent going to have any more lines put in them and so ive to have a port put in. I never really thought i would ever be one of the people who have a port. But then i always thought id be healthy no matter my CF. Guess im still nieve after all when it comes to it....

I had a dream last night about my operation, and it was quite detailed, you know like when you get them kind of dreams. Its freaky 'coz when you wake up you think its real! Its wasnt a bad dream but i dont think it was a good dream either. It was good because it all went smoothly and such, but it was bad as when i was taken back to my room there wasnt anyone there, and i hated the port and the fact that it shows like a bump under the skin. I was really upset in this dream about no one being there when i got back to my room, but i was also upset more so because i hated the port and wanted it out.

I woke up properly and felt at my chest where it was in my dream and realised it wasnt real. My first thought when i woke up was dread and also that i shouldnt be lying on my front as ill damage the port! haha i think ill still be able to lie on my front - i hope so its the most comfiest for me! But the dread in my dream about not likeing it has stuck with me and i cant stop thinking what if i dont like it, can i just get them to take it out? But then wont that mean i cant get IVs again, surely thats kind of a good thing but not as they are a good strong way to blast infections and if i cant have them ill get really ill and deline really fast....

So now i cant switch my head off about whether ill like it or not. Ive been warned about it showing more or not depending on my weight, but in my dream it was really prominent.... surely it wont be that bad??....

The no one was there part bothers me aswell as my best mate Emily and my mum are meant to be there when i come back to the ward. The thing thats pissing me off about it is that my sister wants to come down for it with her husband! Which dont get me wrong thats sweet and such but its just a minor operation and shes insisting on being there for when i wake up! As selfish as this sounds I dont want her there at all! I dont want to be selfish but like i said its just a minor operation and everyones making it out like its a life or death thing for me! If i was on the transplant list and getting new lungs then fair enough come down and see me as they are very risky operations... but im no where near being in that "stage" yet. I hope i never am really.

So its just annoying me that she wants to come down for it, especially when ive been told that i COULD be out the same day i have it done! She just invites herself to stay at mums and that pisses mum off, as if i was going to be in on the saturday still then i think she was planning to come and see me again. But with my sister there we cant spend that time together as she gets really bored really easily and hospitals arent her thing. Well they arent anyones thing but when you spend as much time at the hospital as I do compared to my sister which is never you get used to it really.

I cant tell her i dont want her there as shell get in a right mood and get offended (she gets that easily its really annoying trying to give her advice or constructive critisism) so for now im just trying to hint that she doesnt need to come up at all, and that mum and emily will be fine there for me as thats all i want. Most of my family dont know im having it done as then it will be mass panic to come and see thinking they will never see me again.

I wish my family took the time to understand CF some more, being the only person in the family with it, its gets a bit lonely and annoying when they know im having a bad day or week and they dont actually understand what that entails, they just think that ill be perfectly fine after a bit of rest. Which isnt always the case... But i think that if someone else was suddenly diagnosed with CF in my family, then id be a bit jealous as i know that if it was one of my aunts kids they would have attention lavished on them left right and center. They would be so spoilt and constantly worried about, and that would just plain piss me off, and my mum would literally boil over with rage it think! Shes done soooo much to help me and still does, from when i was born to present day. My family dont actually get that or dont want to get that im not sure. They didnt see the crap and hard work she had to put up with while raising me - an unhealthy baby and my sister a really moody child (apparently - not a lots changed!) and havin to put up with my dad who didnt give to flying fucks about me. My sister was "daddys little girl" though....

Anyway.

Im off to watch Grey Anatomy, which i should really stop watching with my port coming up!!