Just stuff...

I'm feeling a bit crabby today so you'll just have to bare with this blog post.

Its my 22nd Birthday 2morro! At least this year I'm not coming out of hospital a day before it, but I'm still not well for it really. So its just the same as last year.
I'm really fed up with a few things right now. Namely that I'm alone. Completely. Yes I've got my mum and my best friend Emily (who I'm so so looking forward to her coming home from placement in a few months from France!!) but they are there for me in other ways. I'm sick of being on my own now.
Every where i go i see people being able to get on with their life's and to not have to plan for how they might be feeling tomorrow or that evening before they can even make any plans for something to do. I see people in relationships and i hate that the most at the moment because its one thing i most wish for right now, for me to meet someone that's nice for a change and who i get along with, and who doesn't come with a history like some of my previous boyfriends. I understand they will still have a history i don't mind that as long as its not like the history's of my past bf's, which I'm not going to go into on here as it doesn't need to be known.

But i don't see any way I'm going to meet anyone to be honest. I know zero people around here. Don't get me wrong i love living where i live, but i just wish i had friends! Friends who would come and see me at home when I'm too sick to go out myself, friends who would go for a meal with me randomly just for some laughs after a rough day. Friends who would ring/text me gossip and to see how I'm doing or just tell me how they are in reply to my messages and things like that!!
Emily is that friend for me and more of a friend than the standard if that makes sense, but shes in France atm, and then we wont be living with each other anymore, and then shes finishing Uni and not sure whats happening after that, anything could really.

I want friends who i can go out for some drinks with, and go dancing when I'm too drunk too care how bad it is haha. For me these friends only seem to exist in my head or in fictional programs and books. Much the same as men.

I feel like I'm the outsider looking in through the window at everyone else being able to get on with their lives, find partners, and friends and going through those "stages" of life that are expected.
I want to get married and have kids eventually, but i honestly just cant see it happening if i cant even find anyone. I feel like the reject at the bottom of the pile. Ive seen guys look at me and smile, and then ill cough and cough and not stop and it must look horrific coz hes not looking nicely at me anymore. Theres either that horrid pity look or that disgusted look. Though admittedly i do prefer the disgusted look over the pitying look. I want a partner, not a nurse.

Birthday will be spend much the same as every other day. Bored, fed up and sick.

Immense. Fun.

Sorry this has been a crap post. I'm in the mood to write and vent, and i guess this is what came out today. Just really down...