Fed up with all this crappyness!

I'll warn anyone reading this now, this is not a happy post, nor a christmasy one, so sorry in advance, but youve been warned...

I've been on IVs (Colomycin and Meropenem) for 2 weeks now and they've done absolutely fuck all :(
I've got Cepacia at the moment, and it doesnt seem to be budging and is putting up a very good fight against anything thats being thrown at it! Which as I'm sure some of you know or can imagine, is really really annoying and just gets you really down and makes you wonder why you bother with anything to keep healthy if its all just going to come back and bite you in the arse!

Thats exactly how I feel now. I went to the hospital today for my "end of the IVs" check up, and its not really impressive. Not how I would prefer it to be anyway. My lung function has gone down, I dont member what it was perfectly, but its not better at all. The CF team wanted me to continue on another week of IVs, but I couldnt do it :( Im far too tired and sick of everything! So we agreed I would go onto some oral antibiotics, and then go back to them next wednesday. They wanted to put me on something I've not had before (dont remember the name again sorry :S) but as they arent going to be there for a few days they didnt want to put me on something I've not had before and have no one around if any bad side effects occur, which is fair enough, so I'm on Ciprofloxacilin again to see if that helps at all. They said that it could be that my lungs are taking a bit longer to catch up with the rest of me, but I'm not so sure to be honest. As depressing as that sounds but its how I feel, and I try to be honest most of the time.

I feel like im letting myself and others around me down, mainly my mum, and 2 close friends. I also feel a bit selfish to myself if that makes sense, I was chatting with the CF nurse - Charlotte, shes brilliant, she'll listen and give her opinion and advice and wont get all uppy if you dont take it, which I love, most importantly she listens! - and I was telling her how I'm feeling and that I really just want this round to be over with now, and all that, and she gave me the talk of how they all have my best interest at heart and all that such a like. I listened, and I took into account what was said, but I was adament I wanted my line out today! Except now I'm worrying wether I did the right thing by myself. I feel selfish to myself as a large part of me just wanted to have my line out 'coz I'm so tired of doing my meds all the time, as I said before (sorry for repeating myself) and I just wanted an xmas without all that to do, and then another part of me was sat there thinking, take their advice from this lecture and continue the IVs, it could do me the world of good.... but then it might not do anything at all, in which case what to do then?!
Im just so scared that I'm heading to the point of "no return" you know? I've got to think about havin a port fitted now aswell, I asked my doctor about it on the day I went onto my IVs and he sed its a route we need to start thinking about! I was shocked, as I was only wanting information about it thats all, not to open the actual door to that route yet! I know I would eventually need one, but I didnt think it would be yet.... but they keep asking me if I've been thinking about it and its like they are pushing me for an answer so they can get the ball rolling..... which to be perfectly honest really scares me, the only major part of it that scares me is that its surgery! I know I would be asleep, well they would have to knock me out, fucked if they are coming near me with sharp things when I'm awake, wether I can feel it or not! And I know that its only like a "minor" operation, but the last operation I had was when I was born, and it was on my intestines and I don't remember anything about it obviously! But the thought of having one now scares me soooo much! But I know I'll need to get over this fear and get my port fitted soon...

I'm going to stop whinging now, as its Xmas and I'm going to try and cheer up! After all, with my line out at least I can have a bit of a drink now! :D My sister is down aswell at the moment and her husband is joining us late Xmas day :) so that will be nice.... depending on the amount I argue with my sister, but then again its not xmas until the family argue :P

My plan is to rest up for a few days and stop thinking about everything until after xmas, then sit down and chat with my mum about all thats floating about in my head at the moment. I'm also going to step my physio up a bit more, before I went to Uni, I went on the Wii alot, and that helped a bit, so I'm going to do that, and also I'm going to start doing this new nebuliser that I've got, which is Hyper-tonic Saline, I'm sure a few people I know from the forums do this aswell. Its all new to me, and I did the trial at the hospital and it really really dried my throat out, BUT I felt like it worked and my chest became very loose, so I think it will pay me to start doing that.

Merry Christmas everyone!!

xxx