Year 2 reflection and being home

So like I said I've now finished my exams, and completed year 2 (depending on any possible resits in the summer) I'm so happy its finally all over. When i first started my second year i was all prepared and had a plan in place for doing well and keeping on track, and it was for once in my life a realistic plan! But obviously not realistic enough. I was well when i created this "plan" and so wasn't accounting for how unpredictable CF really is, and how it seems to strike when things are feeling like they are going well.

I ended up getting fairly unwell and was in hospital for about a month, this completely threw me off my "plan" and i lost track totally of uni and missed a great deal, thus making my exams much harder than they should have been. However i made it threw the academic year and I'm trying to create some plans in advance as best i can for my third and what might be my third and final year...

I'm living at home next year (academic year) and so that will help me out a great deal health wise, as mum will be here to help take care of me, make sure i eat, keep on top of my physio and work, and general "have u taken your pills" arguments that ensues after a nice meal lol

I can also start up my running route again, and I'm hoping to eventually be able to get back onto my bike and ride to and from the train station and my house as ill need to get the train to uni every day, which admittedly will be knackering, but after i get into the routine i think ill be okay and as long as i get plenty of rest and keep everything up ill be okay. It should get my lung function back up there as well! Which will please my physios immensely!

I'm at home at the moment. I came home on Saturday for a car boot sale with my mum, which she bought me a photo frame and a large fluffy duck as end of exams presents :D They pleased me immensely :)

I'm supposed to be going back today to Bristol to pack my things up and I've also got a hospital appointment tomorrow and Wednesday (2 different days as two different people) and i know they want me on IVs, but i managed to get back 7% of my lung function, so i know that i can do more for myself without IVs, besides i don't have the energy just yet to deal with them as home IVs and i don't want to go into hospital now, and as I've not got any uni commitments i have more time for myself to focus on my health! I'm putting my foot down and doing more for myself, i don't feel like i need them anymore, no matter how much the Dr wont listen to me. I really don't like her! I prefer the other consultant i have but now hes moved higher up in the CF unit, he doesn't see many patients which sucks :(

I'll either go back to Bristol today or tomorrow morning. I'm leaving most of my things i bought home here as there's no point me taking them back only to have to just pack them and bring them back again...

I'm really enjoying being at home again, without a care in the world with regards to uni at the moment. I'm loving having nothing at all to do, although its hard to think what i did with my time before uni :S
I know ill get bored with nothing to do soon enough, but mum finishes work for summer hols soon so well have plenty to do as we've got some nice days out planned :)

Speaking of mum, she'll be home from work soon, and I'm still not showered or anything so better get a move on!

FREE AT LAST!!!! :D

I'm finally free from exams!!!!!

i finished my last one at 11.30am today and literally wanted to cheer when they said pens down the exams over!! But i had to wait till we were outside, exam conditions and all that blah blah...

Anyway, im going to get some sleep now as im shattered, so much so, my eyes are burning :(

THEN im going back to uni for the end of term/exams/drink the bar dry party with all my friends and it will be immense and i will be getting very drunk :D

I shall post some pictures on here when i am able to :)

Hope everyones goooood :) This is literally the best day of the year for me so far haha!

exams and stuff

Yesterday was a pretty crap day to be perfectly honest. I was revising all day for my exam i had this morning, and a lot of other things just pilled on top of me and i ended up spending most of the night crying my eyes out and once i got going i wasnt able to stop. Seriously i was like a hormonal pregnant woman who was crying coz the couple on TV finally got together or something!!

I think a lot of it was stress and tiredness. Major stress. I dont do well during exam time at all! I hate exams and always have done, i much prefer coursework! I have been that stressed the past few days that ive barely been able to eat... pretty much the most ive eaten the past few days has been coco pops and a small meal of beans on toast with Bacon (which in truth was just meant to be a bacon sandwich!) plus im worried that the 7% gain back in lung function i managed to get the other week i think it was when physio last came to see me, i think that ive lost it... but im back to sorting my nebs out properly as i did slack a little due to wanting to spend so much time revising/stressing and yelling at past exam papers that the question doesnt make sense!

I think the final straw last night before i lost it was when i realised that as i had wiped my browser history the other day to see if it would help my browser to sort its life out (its worked before lol) i managed to delete the email i had saved for this blog and i couldnt remember it when i tried to log in last night to make a post as writing i thought would help me feel better. Thats when it all got far too much and i just literally broke and sat rocking and hugging the pillow crying on the edge of my bed like a crazy person!

I woke up at 5am this morning after a restless sleep and thought, well as i cant sleep ill revise. So from 5am till 8.30am when i left for the bus to uni i was creating mind maps for revision and getting ready for uni. I actually managed to eat 2 bowls of cereal this morning, yet my stomach still decided to be the one to be really noisy during the exam. Also for some reason i could smell pancakes during my exam and had a craving arrive like half way through my 3 hour exam for a milkyway bar... so as soon as i was allowed to leave my exam i raided the student shop, and had the largest amount of food ive had in a few days! It was soooo good! :)

Once i got home from my exam, i suddenly realised in the small amount of sanity i had somehow gained overnight that i actually had my email for this blog written down!! So yay!! I am happy again... i think this blog has become a sort of security blanket, and realising i couldnt access it last night just freaked me out so much!

I think the exam went okay this morning, I feel like i did okayish on the first section and the second section we had to choose to answer 2 of the 4 questions that were on the paper. Luckily we had been given the topics to revise, and so i was able to answer one of them (i feel) quite well as i know a fair bit about that topic (XML code language if anyones interested :) ) but the other question i totally bombed on. I couldnt remember how to draw the diagram or what it all meant! I couldnt remember the benefits of it all (3 tier architecture) etc, so i totally blagged the question and im hoping the answer has sort of crept up in enough of a way that ill get some marks if not all of them!

Either way im glad its over, and ive got 2 left!! One on Thursday morning and then my last one on Friday morning! Then as soon as that last exam is over me and my friends are all going to something called Last Orders at the uni campus... Basically the student bars have to get rid of all their alcohol supplies for the summer as no one will be there and so they sell it at really reduced prices, and have acts and other things happening around campus.... Basically im going to be very hung over on Saturday morning, which bodes well for my journey home to go to a car boot sale with my mum! :D Luckily ive warned her that i will be in no way human like on saturday, and apologised in advance for in case im still slightly drunk :p Thankfully my mum is fairly easy going and i know shell just laugh at me rather than lecture me about drinking. After all the suffering the morning after is my own doing, and i dont drink every night... in fact its been a long time since i drank, so im very much looking forward to the copious amount of fun and alcohol and dancing to be had :D

Also ive decided my blog lacks far too much in pictures and ive decided to add one of my new hair colour... which was blonde and is now red, courtesy of mum dying it for me :D

Im pretty impressed that ive managed to grow it this long! I usually get impatient and have it all cut off... But apparently i look much better with long hair :)

Decisions...

I went to the hospital yesterday to do a gym session with my physio. I also went last week and managed to get to a fast paced walk for 20mins. And i was still able to breathe okay and hold a conversation with the physio. I went yesterday and was knackered and breathless before id barely started! I struggled to make it for 20mins but was adament i would and really pushed myself to make it that long. This time it was just a regular walking pace and i was really breathless and couldnt really hold a conversation with the physio. This sent her into a bit of a worry mode as never seen me like this before i dont think...

I was then asked if i wanted to do a lung function test. I said yes to this and was happy to do one as i was being nieve and telling myself im sure its all in my head, it wont come back as bad as im feeling. Im just tired is all. (Considering id spent the weekend at my mums and rested plenty!) So i did the lung function test and could barely do a long breath out without it sending me into a state of manic coughing (all the while aware i was going red in the face lol) my "calm down" time was a lot longer than should be. Physio went to get the doctor who basically told me in no uncertain terms i need IVs. I had already figured this one out for myself.

She sent me off for a chest xray - which i was annoyed i couldnt see as the system was down bah! - and it made it slightly better that the radiographer was very yummy :p
Then we had a chat and we talked about my results of lung function. I was 66% and ive been feeling rubbish for a while now which is why i had bought my previous appointment forward as i have exams happening atm, and this is what i wanted to avoid entirely. I was put on a colomycin neb, cipro and a salbutamol neb as id never done that before (how much does it make everyone else shake?!) all of which seem to have not done anything at all. I told the dr the cipro wouldnt do anything as it never does. I always drop after being on that! But never listens to me.
My lung function has dropped from that 66% to 48% in about a week as thats how long ive been feeling like this. That clearly is not good at all, hence the battle comencing about IV treatment. I was told that ive lost 1/5th of my lung and dropped about 18/20%. I was also told im pretty much operating as if i only have one lung. This proper freaked me out and i cant stop thinking about that.

My decision is a very tough one for me, maybe a simple one for others reading this i dont know. But ive got to make the decision to do IVs or not by tomorrow. Im reluctant to do them because of my exams happening atm. I dont want to resit them in the summer time, and with the Unis regulations (which are pathetic and dont help the student one fucking bit!) it will be a long time before i know if i can resit them, as if i dont turn up then im not entitled to a resit. How can i turn up if im in hospital!? These facts do not compute for them people!

I know i need to put my health first and i would go on IVs if not for my exams. Ive worked far far too hard - literally blood, sweat, and a lot of tears have gone into getting myself this far - and despite the amount of interuptions ive had from this stupid disease this academic year, im extremely reluctant to let it take away my POSSIBLE passing of exams!
Im missing out on a placement because i know i wont be able to handle the amount of work for it because of everything to do with health. I feel like im daily putting my life on hold for this pathetic disease and i cant control it right now. I want so madly to finish this degree so i can prove to myself and others who have constantly told me i cant do anything that i CAN do something and will make something of my life

But yet i cant make a decision to put my health first. I know i need to and i know that this should be such an easy and quick decision. If i didnt have exams or even didnt have Uni to tend with i would be currently in a hospital bed receiving my IVs... But thats not the case here and this is so hard for me to decide.

I was trying to find my program leader today but hes like trying to find a needle in a haystack really. I also tried to book an appointment to see student advisors about this and some other things and they said to come back tomorrow as they are fully booked until next week. How, if i cant see the people i need to see to help me make a decision am i meant to decide by tomorrow?!?!

I really feel like just giving up right now as whenever i try to do something, CF stands up and says "i cant let you do that, god forbid your happy and healthy!" :'(

A little unsure...

So ive started talking to this new guy. I like him so far, i think he likes me but a little hard to tell really. Anyway i told him the other week about my CF as it came up in convo about my recent tatt. (Ill add a pic on the end) and so he knows about the whole hard to gain weight part of it. Well we were talking tonight and he said in convo that i do look too skinny in my MSN pic.... oh. i just tried to brush it off with a well its hard to find the balance crap. But he didnt really say much. I dont know what his understanding is of CF and i dont really want to sit there and question him on what he knows as if he doesnt want to know then im not going to force him.

But just that what he said "well you do look too skinny in your pic" has stuck with me now and i hate it. When i was younger i hated my skinnyness, and in seniors i was called anorexic (amoungst other bullying things) a few times, even tho it was by people who barely or didnt know me, it still hurt a lot... It took me ages to feel comfy wearing a vest top outside as my collor bones stick out and my shoulders as well look really boney. My arms in general arent exactly Arnold Schwarzenegger size really. I used to wear baggy clothing as much as possible so it wouldnt show off my stick-like-ness.

Im just really quite disappointed he said that, and it feels like he said it so bluntly as well. Forgive me if i seem like im blowing steam for nothing but him saying that, brought back years of buried pain about my looks and skinnyness (as vein as that sounds, its not meant like that). Considering the amount ive been eating lately ive put some weight on (i hope), but it usually just goes straight to my stomach, and feels like all that weight has disappeared by the morning!

I said to myself when i was nearing end of seniors that if someone cant accept me for who i am, then they can just keep walking on past me and my life. But at the same time i dont want this guy to do that... i want to help him understand if he wants to and explain its pretty normal for me and im never going to be muscly. not even a little bit. but then on the other hand i keep thinking about that saying i told myself years ago...

Its stupid. I hate when people i like in that way says things about my weight or something as its the thing im the most self-conscience about. Ive just learnt to hide it better over the years. But still him saying that made me feel so small, weak and self-conscience all over again. and im pretty angry and upset that he made me feel like that!

Heres the pic of my latest tatt. The words "hope" and "breathe" are written on the tails for myself.

Massive diet rant. Fair warning.

I'm guna rant...

Im getting so pissed off with all these people who are on bloody diets!!

By their version of a diet i mean they are thinking they are being good and healthy by eating a celery stick a day, if that! If anything its just so stupid and has major health implications! So one stick of celery is a possible understatement, but you get the point.

I don't understand diets. I know as ive got CF it doesnt really matter if i diet, its very discouraged for me to do that. I see it as fried chicken is healthy for me basically. But i dont rule out healthy foods as well, im addicted to salads, and i like my vegetables (although being at uni, i dont eat as much veg as i should - sorry mum lol) but i just dont understand, why is the world so so vein. Its actually quite disgusting sometimes. and extremely sad. Its really makes me angry, as im sure this blog will show.

Why cant people (from all walks of life) just eat what the hell they want and then just exercise properly! Not stand for 3 hours in the shop comparing the amount of calories on two packets of food that are practically the same!... either way they are guna consume them calories and they will like it, so why bother counting the calories, it doesnt add to the taste!!

Im ranting about this also because a few friends have been telling me that i eat too much unhealthy things. Yeah i had KFC 4 times last week, at least 3 starbucks chocolate cream frappachinos - sometimes with extra whipped cream, ive eaten sweets galore, and ive just polished off a box of Mr Kipling Angel slices (there were 6 in the box). And thats just a small amount of what ive eaten this week! And, honestly. im pretty proud of that monumental amount for me, as my appetite has been non-existant for a while now, so this is also a sign for me that something is picking up in me and my extra nebs and physio is actually paying off for a change. (even if it doesnt feel like it when out walking, thats still a work in progress). All my friends know about my high calorie needs and why i need them so much. But i still dont rule out exercise. I still like to sometimes watch what i eat. Sometimes ill just have 3 KFCs in a week (lol).

Im not saying everyone must eat the kind of things i eat and/or as much, as im sure that most of my friends couldnt handle that (considering i know someone who gets full up after a pot noodle! A pot noodle!!) I just wish they would get off my case. Im not guna stop eating "junk" just coz they cant eat it, coz it means their bikini wont look good on them this summer.

If they keep on, they will be picking their head up from off the floor.

I feel a bit better now. Deal with it.

long time no blog...

So its been ages since i last blogged. Im not going to sit and reel out excuses as to why that is coz the truth is i really havnt been bothered to keep my blog up to date. I dont really know why as i do enjoy blogging but i think i maybe just wanted to take a break i dunno... anyway im back now :)

No much has happened i dont think really since my last blog in March. Im back at Uni after a nice relaxing Easter Hols, rested up plenty and mum fed me up :) She made a Banoffee Pie over hols and i practically ate the whole pie, it should have served at least 4-8 people i think! And yes im pretty proud of that fact haha!

So yeah im back at Uni, my second year is nearly finished :D the next few weeks i think are going to drag like hell, which in a way is good as means plenty of time to revise for my all important end of year exams - im proper crapping myself about them! I always do better with Coursework rather than exams, i think the whole time limit thing is the main issue, plus i dont retain information very well :|

Apart from my exams nothing major is happening. Im seeing the psychologist on my CF team for reasons im not going to divulge, but lets just say that the sessions are helping me, which is what i was really hoping they would do :)

Im a bit worried about my health atm, although im doing my physio and things like that im still getting extremely breathless just walking from my house to the bus stop which is like a 1min walk if that! A few other factors are at play as well, and it took me all weekend to convince myself that maybe with exams coming up i should look into bringing my appointment forward as atm its only 3 days before my exams, and im worried that if i leave it till then ill be worse and they will insist on IVs which i cannot do even more so than my last round coz of my exams. I need NO distractions for these exams. With the HUGE disruption i had from my last IV round and longest stay ever (for me) in hospital it really set me behind with all my work (which has pissed me off) and so i need to do well in these exams to pass my year!! So no pressure :P

So i rang them this morning and they said they will speak to a doctor and get back to me today... thats been a few hours now and im still waiting for a phone call back! I said i really need it to be this week and explained why. Now for me to actually ring up and want to come in sooner coz i recognise im not feeling well is nothing short of a miracle for me, as i usually just burry the thoughts and ignore it, then i get worse - i have a vicious cycle i get stuck in, im pretty sure im not the only one who does this - i think i ignore it all because its a case of i want to control the CF and not it control me. so i ignore the signs of possible infection so i can pretend to be "normal" for a while longer. Its pretty thick really as then when i do get treatment, its usually for longer and usually more agressive and things and so i just get really low and fed up. Plus if im in hospital the only two people who remember im still alive on this Earth is my amazing mum and Emily - best friend/house mate/bail payer :p - which pisses me off and upsets me further, as my other so called friends totally forget about me and dont even ask how i am via text unless i text them to see how they were. In the end i didnt bother texting them, which made me feel even more alone but it proved to me that at least i know who my true friends are in any situation. So yeah vicious cycle of which i have attempted to break by actually ringing up and saying i need to come in sooner. So im slightly annoyed theyve not rung me back yet and arent jumping at the chance to drag me in and poke and prod me...

On the bright side i went out friday night for the first time in absolutely ages! It was that long since id been out that i couldnt even remember the last time i did go out! Due to this i took the alcohol intake steady. I still had a slight hang over in the morning but it was okay and bearable :)
I wasnt able to dance much due to getting so breathless and coughing on the dance floor with everyone staring at me wasnt my idea of a good night out, so i did sit down a lot and chat to people. But i still had a really good night :D which is the main thing i think! Im looking forward to going out again at some point. At least i know i can proper party after my exams are over - that will be a messy night!