Invincibility and Wishes

When i was younger i didnt think about the future, the only thing i thought about future wise was what i could eat next! I miss them days, not having to plan for the next day and the day after. Not having to plan where to fit in a good amount of physio to help me each day, not having to worry about running round like a loon in the garden and having a coughing fit that would reduce me to my knees from gasping for breath.

I miss them days. So simple. Them days of feeling invincible and like i could literally hold the world on my own two shoulders - not in a manner of troubles and concerns way, but in a manner of strength, energy, upliftingness if thats even a word...

Now i find myself waking up each day and looking to make sure my blue inhaler is near enough to me with a drink as i know that as soon as i move or sit up the coughing will start. Sometimes its just a little cough and im fine, other times ive been able to wake up and get downstairs and making breakfast before i even have a coughing fit - those are the really good days, which feel like they are getting few and far between. But most days its a horrid hacking cough and it really pisses me off. God knows what my neighbours think of me!

I dont like waking up and thinking when should i do my physio - before or after my shower, or breakfast, i dont like waking up anymore and thinking what shall i do for physio this morning, or when is my next hospital appointment again, or am i on any new meds that i need to take at certain times at the moment?... I hate these pestering thoughts. They are swamping my head more and more these days and i hate it.

I wish i could wake up and this all be a dream, and that i wake up and feel invigorated for life and jump out of bed and run round the garden like a loon without getting stupidly breathless...

I wish i was like 10 years old again. I was thinking and thats when i think i last felt "fully healthy". If this life was a game i would need to be searching around for little hearts right now to build my health back up before i go and fight the "big boss". I feel like im walking further and further into a battlefield unarmed and blindfolded everyday. Its horrible and right now theres not a lot i can do about it other than "try my best to stay healthy".

Im a pretty bad person to have this disease where a lot is required of me 24/7 'coz im so lazy sometimes. I really dont know if God is real, and im not even sure if i want to know 'coz ive got a few things to complain to them about, but if God is real, i would love it if he could get rid of all this rubbish disease business. Thats all diseases not just CF. I know there are a whole range of different diseases out there in the big bad world but sometimes i wonder if were all still in the same boat anyway.... Even so, the boat sucks.

Maybe im wishing for too many things, or too much of one thing, but I wish i could feel invincible again...