Just some thoughts and feelings...

So ive got a lot of blogging to do!

This is just some thoughts im having at the moment, ill blog all about my port op and such afterwards soon.

I'm still in hospital. Oddly im not annoyed by this... yet. Although itll be 3 weeks on the 5th march that ive been in here. A personal record for me and im pretty sure ive shocked my doctors into a state of tiptoeing around me in case they say something and i take that as a "yay, i can go home now". But to be perfectly honest with you, im fine to be in here. Not happy about it, im not exactly jumping off the walls to be in here (far too exhausting for one thing) but im not pissed off and planning a great escape style situation of me leaving either.

I have had two big (to me they are big) realisations over the past 2 weeks and a few days. I think they are good and will help me, providing i actually listen to people and myself. Otherwise they are a bit sort of "wow, thats scary" realisation. Ill begin with the good realisation first i think...

1. I'm sick. Granted doesnt sound like the best start for a good realisation, but it actually is. Ive had this stupid disease since i was born. I think growing up i knew something was different about me, but i dont think i ever really acknowledged it, therefore not bothering to keep on top of treatments, and constantly making any physio who saw me bang their heads against a brick wall as they couldnt understand my total disregard for not doing physio. However now im realising this and actually trying to listen to my body, im begining to understand compliance to meds, treatments and physio etc etc. therefore the realisation of me being sick, is a good thing as it means i can now hopefully start getting somewhere that resembles that of a good lung function. Im currently about 63% and i would love it if i could get it up to 70% again. Even if its just for a few months, to feel that good about breathing again would be heaven!

Now onto the bad realisation.

2. Exactly the same. Im sick. Now i know i said that this is a good realisation and for the reasons above it is, but on the other hand this is really bad. I was talking to a friend who is my "go to person", as i am hers, and i said to her "does it sound.... odd that i am just beginning to realise that ive actually got lung disease, even tho ive had it all my life..." She said this: 
"i wudn't say odd no, sometimes we never truly see the extent of sitiuations even tho it may be staring us in the face, other times we just supress it without realising it, and basically the mind will deal with when it feels ready to do so"
I kinda wish my mind had chosen a better and different time to deal with it. I mean lung disease. Its not really something i can wake up realising and then be like "eh, what the hell, its fine" and go back to sleep. Its pretty full on. I told my friend that i feel like ive just woken up and realised ive got no arms. Im actually pretty dependant on other people to an extent, whether i like that or not. Even if they are trained to deal with people like me, such as my CF team. I think this is just another thing that im going to have to find a way to adjust to, despite knowing ive had this for a life time so far, its still a shock to suddenly take in. I will talk to my CF team as well, just so they know how im feeling. Perhaps they can give me some words of wisdom for "dealing". Ive been told that talking helps a lot.
Something ive only been realising for the past few years, although it does depend on the person your talking to as well.

Anyway this was only a short blog, im off to sleep now as finished my meds for the night. Few hours and it begins all over again. Least the nurses have satisfied my strong sudden craving for some cornflakes :D